If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart breaks for you. I went through this in 2017 and still have nightmares about it. But my husband quit drinking right away, joined AA and made a 100% full on change to his life and commitment to his family. If your husband can commit fully to recovery and dedication to you and your family, things will be okay. Plus a lot of counseling!

+100

Two very difficult years (out of 26), but so, so much good now. It was a very good marriage prior and it’s a great marriage now. We are happy and we communicate so much better. Therapy of his own accord was the best thing ever for him. He should have done it in his 20s after his chaotic upbringing. We have a deeper understanding and connect on a deeper level now. There is no holding anything inside anymore for either of us.

[Anonymous]

Is it infidelity if only making out, kissing and fooling around?
I’d think so but wonder how others see it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it infidelity if only making out, kissing and fooling around?
I’d think so but wonder how others see it

Yes. Can't believe this is a question although sounds about right after hearing the immaturity of some people on this board.

[Anonymous]

Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not primarily the result of “midlife crisis affairs.” In the big picture, over 80% of all divorces occur before age 45 for wives, and nearly 75% of all divorces occur before age 45 for husbands.

In the United States, the median age at divorce from the first marriage was 33.2 for men and 31.1 for women.

It’s a cultural myth that mid-life crisis affairs destroy marriages.

On the contrary, as painful as they are, they more often drive couples into science-based couples therapy, and a stronger, more committed marriage is often the result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah Esther Perel is problematic for me. I agree with some of her observations about monogamy being at odds with our programming, but I think she really doesn't get the trauma aspect of being cheated on. For however long the cheating has been going on, your reality has been a lie, served up on a platter by the person you trusted most. It cuts very deep.

Look, obviously no romantic partner is perfect. Every relationship has areas for improvement. But implying or outright stating that cheating is a result of those problems really lets the cheater off the hook. Your life isn't going to be perfect every second. It's on you to have healthy coping mechanisms and communication skills. "Oh sorry boss, I know I stole from the company, but you were expecting too much of me, so let's talk about that instead."

"I couldn't figure out how to talk to you about hard stuff without traumatizing you, blowing up our relationship, and exposing you to STDs . . . you understand, right? I mean, you NEVER wash the dishes like you say you will . . ."

What? I just read "State of Affairs" and she has like a whole chapter or three on the trauma infidelity inflicts. She says what is often the worst is that the deceived partner's reality was false and that is a huge trauma for them. The life, the relationship they thought they had was a lie. I think her work makes total sense and has helped me personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah Esther Perel is problematic for me. I agree with some of her observations about monogamy being at odds with our programming, but I think she really doesn't get the trauma aspect of being cheated on. For however long the cheating has been going on, your reality has been a lie, served up on a platter by the person you trusted most. It cuts very deep.

Look, obviously no romantic partner is perfect. Every relationship has areas for improvement. But implying or outright stating that cheating is a result of those problems really lets the cheater off the hook. Your life isn't going to be perfect every second. It's on you to have healthy coping mechanisms and communication skills. "Oh sorry boss, I know I stole from the company, but you were expecting too much of me, so let's talk about that instead."

"I couldn't figure out how to talk to you about hard stuff without traumatizing you, blowing up our relationship, and exposing you to STDs . . . you understand, right? I mean, you NEVER wash the dishes like you say you will . . ."

What? I just read "State of Affairs" and she has like a whole chapter or three on the trauma infidelity inflicts. She says what is often the worst is that the deceived partner's reality was false and that is a huge trauma for them. The life, the relationship they thought they had was a lie. I think her work makes total sense and has helped me personally.

Out of sheer curiosity (this isn’t a leading question to rag on the author), how many chapters does she devote to perspective of the wayward spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah Esther Perel is problematic for me. I agree with some of her observations about monogamy being at odds with our programming, but I think she really doesn't get the trauma aspect of being cheated on. For however long the cheating has been going on, your reality has been a lie, served up on a platter by the person you trusted most. It cuts very deep.

Look, obviously no romantic partner is perfect. Every relationship has areas for improvement. But implying or outright stating that cheating is a result of those problems really lets the cheater off the hook. Your life isn't going to be perfect every second. It's on you to have healthy coping mechanisms and communication skills. "Oh sorry boss, I know I stole from the company, but you were expecting too much of me, so let's talk about that instead."

"I couldn't figure out how to talk to you about hard stuff without traumatizing you, blowing up our relationship, and exposing you to STDs . . . you understand, right? I mean, you NEVER wash the dishes like you say you will . . ."

What? I just read "State of Affairs" and she has like a whole chapter or three on the trauma infidelity inflicts. She says what is often the worst is that the deceived partner's reality was false and that is a huge trauma for them. The life, the relationship they thought they had was a lie. I think her work makes total sense and has helped me personally.

Yes, she does mention trauma in State of Affairs, where she says that the trauma must be dealt with before the betrayed spouse can acknowledge how they contributed to the affair. I don't agree that there's a causal relationship between a person's contributions to a marriage and their spouse's decision to cheat, and that it's damaging to imply that there is one. Before State of Affairs, she wrote Mating in Captivity, which doesn't mention trauma once but says a lot about the eroticism of affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not primarily the result of “midlife crisis affairs.” In the big picture, over 80% of all divorces occur before age 45 for wives, and nearly 75% of all divorces occur before age 45 for husbands.

In the United States, the median age at divorce from the first marriage was 33.2 for men and 31.1 for women.

It’s a cultural myth that mid-life crisis affairs destroy marriages.

On the contrary, as painful as they are, they more often drive couples into science-based couples therapy, and a stronger, more committed marriage is often the result.

Well it is in my divorcecare circle. Maybe for the religious it is verses others. We tend to stay in relationships longer with abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not primarily the result of “midlife crisis affairs.” In the big picture, over 80% of all divorces occur before age 45 for wives, and nearly 75% of all divorces occur before age 45 for husbands.

In the United States, the median age at divorce from the first marriage was 33.2 for men and 31.1 for women.

It’s a cultural myth that mid-life crisis affairs destroy marriages.

On the contrary, as painful as they are, they more often drive couples into science-based couples therapy, and a stronger, more committed marriage is often the result.

Well it is in my divorcecare circle. Maybe for the religious it is verses others. We tend to stay in relationships longer with abuse.

WTH is 'divorcecare circle' and it's 'versus', not a musical verse. Divorce rates area also lower among the more educated. Go figure.

Researchers at the National Center for Health Statistics estimate that 78% of college-educated women who married for the first time between 2006 and 2010 could expect their marriages to last at least 20 years. But among women who have a high school education or less, the share is only 40%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not primarily the result of “midlife crisis affairs.” In the big picture, over 80% of all divorces occur before age 45 for wives, and nearly 75% of all divorces occur before age 45 for husbands.

In the United States, the median age at divorce from the first marriage was 33.2 for men and 31.1 for women.

It’s a cultural myth that mid-life crisis affairs destroy marriages.

On the contrary, as painful as they are, they more often drive couples into science-based couples therapy, and a stronger, more committed marriage is often the result.

Well it is in my divorcecare circle. Maybe for the religious it is verses others. We tend to stay in relationships longer with abuse.

WTH is 'divorcecare circle' and it's 'versus', not a musical verse. Divorce rates area also lower among the more educated. Go figure.

Researchers at the National Center for Health Statistics estimate that 78% of college-educated women who married for the first time between 2006 and 2010 could expect their marriages to last at least 20 years. But among women who have a high school education or less, the share is only 40%.

It’s a popular divorce therapy group nationwide. Sorry for the spelling mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it infidelity if only making out, kissing and fooling around?
I’d think so but wonder how others see it

Yes. Can't believe this is a question although sounds about right after hearing the immaturity of some people on this board.

‘it’s not cheating if there’s no sex!’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it infidelity if only making out, kissing and fooling around?
I’d think so but wonder how others see it

Yes. Can't believe this is a question although sounds about right after hearing the immaturity of some people on this board.

‘it’s not cheating if there’s no sex!’

Yep. So many justifications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it infidelity if only making out, kissing and fooling around?
I’d think so but wonder how others see it

Ummmmm is this a trick question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah Esther Perel is problematic for me. I agree with some of her observations about monogamy being at odds with our programming, but I think she really doesn't get the trauma aspect of being cheated on. For however long the cheating has been going on, your reality has been a lie, served up on a platter by the person you trusted most. It cuts very deep.

Look, obviously no romantic partner is perfect. Every relationship has areas for improvement. But implying or outright stating that cheating is a result of those problems really lets the cheater off the hook. Your life isn't going to be perfect every second. It's on you to have healthy coping mechanisms and communication skills. "Oh sorry boss, I know I stole from the company, but you were expecting too much of me, so let's talk about that instead."

"I couldn't figure out how to talk to you about hard stuff without traumatizing you, blowing up our relationship, and exposing you to STDs . . . you understand, right? I mean, you NEVER wash the dishes like you say you will . . ."

What? I just read "State of Affairs" and she has like a whole chapter or three on the trauma infidelity inflicts. She says what is often the worst is that the deceived partner's reality was false and that is a huge trauma for them. The life, the relationship they thought they had was a lie. I think her work makes total sense and has helped me personally.

My theory is that there are three kinds of betrayed partners —
1) Type one realizes it’ll never go back to the false reality and leaves
2) Type two is so used to living a lie that they quickly construct another lie/delusion to forgive/tolerate their partner and “move on”
3) Type three confronts the lie and decides to go soberly into the truth with their partner

Guessing type three is extremely rare. Type two is probably more prevalent than you’d think. For many, living a lie is a way of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it infidelity if only making out, kissing and fooling around?
I’d think so but wonder how others see it

Yes. Can't believe this is a question although sounds about right after hearing the immaturity of some people on this board.

‘it’s not cheating if there’s no sex!’

Yep. So many justifications.

just Seinfeld’s wisdom