Tell me about three kids 4-5 years apart each

[Anonymous]

I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. For various reasons, we can’t try for a third until the youngest is 4 (I’ll be 38). Anyone have this age gap between 3 kids? I worry we may be pulled in all different directions or that the kids won’t be close. I guess the positives are that they get more one-one time with us as babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. For various reasons, we can’t try for a third until the youngest is 4 (I’ll be 38). Anyone have this age gap between 3 kids? I worry we may be pulled in all different directions or that the kids won’t be close. I guess the positives are that they get more one-one time with us as babies.

It prolongs the vulnerable stage but allows for more 1:1 attention. In two years, your eldest will be >8 and your middle will be >4. Tread carefully on ensuring the 8-year-old doesnt get parentified or expectations beyond what you would expect if there were only 2. Learn how to babywear, if you dont already, because your kids will be more active outside of the house. You really need a solid marriage and support system to not only have 3, and thus be outnumbered, but also because of the spread. It will feel like you have two sets of kids because the older ones will be able to do a lot of stuff before the 3rd can and they'll group together. Baby #3 wont really be able to hang until 4-6 depending on their temperament which means eldest is >12 and middle is >8. You'll hit your sweet spot then whereas most families with shorter gaps struggle <5 and then its fun/easier from 5-13/15.
Also, in the next two year while you are waiting to conceive develop strong family systems and routines to anchor your older two and for you and your husband/wife to be able to implement solo when a new baby gets added. Things like pancake or croissant Sunday, picnic dinner Tuesday, etc. Make sure they are contributing to the running of the household before a new baby comes so that it isnt seen as because of the new baby.
As far as kids being close, age gap does not promise or ensure closeness. How the family functions as a unit and whether each kid feels accepted and valued does. Your eldest is going to have a very different experience compared to your other child(ren). Close gap can foster favoritism or comparison or triangulation. Bigger age gaps can also cause favoritism, lack of cohesive family unit and shared experiences, and resentment over opportunities (the baby usually gets a better setup because the costs are down once the elder kids are out of the house).

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the detailed response!

[Anonymous]

Mine are 3.5 years apart. Not sure this entirely age gap related moreso than personality related but the older one is insanely jealous of the younger one. He is old enough to recall when he had 1:1 attention and now he has to share it with the younger kid. Even though we still make an effort to give 1:1 attention, it's just not the same quantity as it once was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 3.5 years apart. Not sure this entirely age gap related moreso than personality related but the older one is insanely jealous of the younger one. He is old enough to recall when he had 1:1 attention and now he has to share it with the younger kid. Even though we still make an effort to give 1:1 attention, it's just not the same quantity as it once was.

Does this mean your oldest is 7 years older than the youngest/third child?

[Anonymous]

Personality is absolutely the biggest factor IME. Mine are 15, 11, 7 and I’m expecting. One girl, two boys. Girl is the eldest. They’ve all fought more than they’ve gotten along but their personalities do not mesh in the sense that there’s no one who’s affectionate to the other, one extrovert, one semi extrovert and one introvert. They also do not have very many shared interests and even with one shared interest of Roblox, they do not all like the same games or play together regularly within in that app.

None have ever mentioned anything related to 1:1 attention. Again, different personalities and interests can play into that.

I was a very lonely only child and do not relate to those who enjoyed being alone all of the time.

[Anonymous]

17:59 here - also yes, for sports you’ll be pulled in different directions and teams almost always

I also never had the youngest at each time on a strict nap schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personality is absolutely the biggest factor IME. Mine are 15, 11, 7 and I’m expecting. One girl, two boys. Girl is the eldest. They’ve all fought more than they’ve gotten along but their personalities do not mesh in the sense that there’s no one who’s affectionate to the other, one extrovert, one semi extrovert and one introvert. They also do not have very many shared interests and even with one shared interest of Roblox, they do not all like the same games or play together regularly within in that app.

None have ever mentioned anything related to 1:1 attention. Again, different personalities and interests can play into that.

I was a very lonely only child and do not relate to those who enjoyed being alone all of the time.

Omg. Why would you want a 4th kid, especially at the ages of kids you already have?

[Anonymous]

There is no way to know how it will go. It’s entirely dependent on each individual child and the family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

It will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Yep. My sister is 22 months younger than I am. We got along ONLY when we were at our grandparents' house and we were the ONLY playmates. (no cousins visiting at the time)

Otherwise, we are oil and water.... black and white.... couldn't be more different if you tried (we both believe murder is wrong, but that's about the ONLY thing we agree on)

now that we are 59 and 61 years old, we get along BECAUSE I suck it up and don't talk much when we are together because she is volatile and I don't feel like fighting about EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.

We are helping our parents (90's) move through older age, but that's all we are capable of agreeing on. So even very close in age siblings don't get along all the time - and we should, in that we are both girls, only 22 months apart, neither has special needs, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have 5 kids and I'm parenting 3 different age groups right now: 1 preteen boy, 2 early elementary girls, and 2 toddler girls (twins). Not going to lie, the twins have slowed us down a lot. It's more difficult to do things if I have to solo parent and the older kids usually complain about us not doing as much anymore.

The girls fight like crazy. Sometimes my son gets in the mix and I'm trying to teach him not go back and forth with people younger than him. We do need to get better with one on one time. Since my girls are so close in age, it's like they just automatically go together and that shouldn't be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personality is absolutely the biggest factor IME. Mine are 15, 11, 7 and I’m expecting. One girl, two boys. Girl is the eldest. They’ve all fought more than they’ve gotten along but their personalities do not mesh in the sense that there’s no one who’s affectionate to the other, one extrovert, one semi extrovert and one introvert. They also do not have very many shared interests and even with one shared interest of Roblox, they do not all like the same games or play together regularly within in that app.

None have ever mentioned anything related to 1:1 attention. Again, different personalities and interests can play into that.

I was a very lonely only child and do not relate to those who enjoyed being alone all of the time.

Omg. Why would you want a 4th kid, especially at the ages of kids you already have?

+1 😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 3.5 years apart. Not sure this entirely age gap related moreso than personality related but the older one is insanely jealous of the younger one. He is old enough to recall when he had 1:1 attention and now he has to share it with the younger kid. Even though we still make an effort to give 1:1 attention, it's just not the same quantity as it once was.

Does this mean your oldest is 7 years older than the youngest/third child?

I don't have a third child. The first two are that terrible together. I weighed in due to the age gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. For various reasons, we can’t try for a third until the youngest is 4 (I’ll be 38). Anyone have this age gap between 3 kids? I worry we may be pulled in all different directions or that the kids won’t be close. I guess the positives are that they get more one-one time with us as babies.

It prolongs the vulnerable stage but allows for more 1:1 attention. In two years, your eldest will be >8 and your middle will be >4. Tread carefully on ensuring the 8-year-old doesnt get parentified or expectations beyond what you would expect if there were only 2. Learn how to babywear, if you dont already, because your kids will be more active outside of the house. You really need a solid marriage and support system to not only have 3, and thus be outnumbered, but also because of the spread. It will feel like you have two sets of kids because the older ones will be able to do a lot of stuff before the 3rd can and they'll group together. Baby #3 wont really be able to hang until 4-6 depending on their temperament which means eldest is >12 and middle is >8. You'll hit your sweet spot then whereas most families with shorter gaps struggle <5 and then its fun/easier from 5-13/15.
Also, in the next two year while you are waiting to conceive develop strong family systems and routines to anchor your older two and for you and your husband/wife to be able to implement solo when a new baby gets added. Things like pancake or croissant Sunday, picnic dinner Tuesday, etc. Make sure they are contributing to the running of the household before a new baby comes so that it isnt seen as because of the new baby.
As far as kids being close, age gap does not promise or ensure closeness. How the family functions as a unit and whether each kid feels accepted and valued does. Your eldest is going to have a very different experience compared to your other child(ren). Close gap can foster favoritism or comparison or triangulation. Bigger age gaps can also cause favoritism, lack of cohesive family unit and shared experiences, and resentment over opportunities (the baby usually gets a better setup because the costs are down once the elder kids are out of the house).

It will probably feel for the first 2 years a bit like you’ve blown up a really system that you need to find your way back to… with the gaps I would expect the eldest to also either take responsibility for more things or separate (or both) and the for the middle child to struggle the most with the shift. 8 and 4 are very different stages, so while they are an older unit they are also in very different developmental places.

They both need you, but in less obvious ways than the baby, which they can understand intellectually, so that’s hard.

What PP highlighted about the baby/exhaustion phase being longer is also true. They are in such different places developmentally you are kind of spread thin between them and they are not functioning as a unit and buffering one another socially and in other ways like a more tightly packed sibling grouping offers. With the close spread it is all hands on deck and very challenging until the youngest is about 4.5/5, but then it can get easier - so pain is front loaded while in your case pain is backloaded. And you’re just in it for longer with an 8 or 9 year spread.