Graduation season is so tough

[Anonymous]

I am in a lot of pain right now. My DS has just graduated from high school. He has ADHD and other social skills issues and had a very tough time of school both socially and academically. He did not have any friends other than a few acquaintances. It is so tough participating in graduation filled with hundreds of smiling kids hugging their friends, seeing all the grad parties, seeing pictures of the groups of friends doing their college reveals and hearing about beach week from my own neighbors/friends when my kid is not doing any of that. I feel like I failed him and that his childhood was just filled with pain and struggle. DS is going on to college but his struggles will likely follow him. I just feel so down and am having trouble having conversations with people when they are well meaning and saying "congratulations to [DS]" and "what an exciting time." Because it is actually a terrible time right now. It blows.

[Anonymous]

Oh that’s tough, OP. It must feel really hard. Soon things will settle down and I’m guessing it won’t smart as much.

[Anonymous]

I so so sorry OP. It is a struggle. I have 3 DC and this is true for 1 who also graduated this year. She can easily make friends, just no success maintaining most and the one friend she had dissed her starting in December.
It is tough.

Thankfully, DD agreed to start counseling again this summer and I am hoping it can help her.

[Anonymous]

First, most of those friendships you see are very surface level and only there because people feel they need to show they have friends. Second, a lot of people make their first real friends in college or later, as they learn more about themselves and find people who share genuine interests. In many cases, friends hold you back as you want to stay close to them so you choose the college where they are going and now what suits you. Third, people underestimate how differently people's brains mature. Some have the social part develop faster. Sounds like your son's frontal cortex (the executive function part) is growing a bit slowly and also the social part. All of that is related to ADHD. Dedicate this summer to coaching him through meeting people and having lots of good conversations. And remember, nerds rule the world.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. My kid is also graduating, and we aren't having a party of other celebration because there's no one to invite. He hasn't been invited to a single thing. He had a couple of friends, but they graduated last year. I am hopeful that college will be better, as it's a fresh start and we know that the school he is going to is well equipped to deal with his challenges.

You did not fail him. You were living with and supporting the child you actually have.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. It's so tough. My AuDHD kid graduated last year. With no friends, no invites, etc. But this year, as a freshman in college, he has flourished socially. There are so many more things to do, so many more types of people. So hang in there and have hope.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. Take time to grieve the present, but don’t grieve the future. You have no idea. Both of my boys have dramatically changed in college, one unrecognizably so. Never in a million years would I have said that at his college graduation was he the same kid as four years earlier. My other DS had lots of HS friends, but in college decided he didn’t like any of them but one. He is also so different from last year.

Let him bloom!

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I have a rising senior and am unsure what the future holds. It is so hard to go through and watch happen for others what you wish for your child, too. I am happy for them, but so sad for my kid.

[Anonymous]

I guess it’s all in how you look at it. Lots of people here have kids who weren’t on the regular diploma track at all and won’t be going to college. Comparison is the thief of joy.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this will help but my son has a friend like this. They became friends in kindergarten and always kept a relationship, even though the boy is quite awkward. He is a little ND and was dyslexic with an IEP that put him in an awkward spot at school with some classes that were below his level because he had an IEP which made a lot of accomodations necessary. I don't know is he's autistic but I'd say it's mild if so. My son was one of his only friends in high school and the grad party date was checked against our calendar overtly.

Anyway, the helpful part is that this boy has found more friends at college and does socialize with roommates, etc. He's definitely less awkward than in high school. It's on a slow but good trajectory.

Let this season pass, rest up, and get ready for the next season. Any graduation is an accomplishment.

[Anonymous]

This was my kid last year and is doing much much better in college. I also don’t get the need to be so over the top celebrating like your kid is the only one to get a HS diploma. And no one gives a crap where your kid goes to college.

[Anonymous]

My son has had a tough time so far in HS and I think he will be super relieved when it's over. At least, that's how we both felt about MS which was even worse.

So maybe the silver lining is that it's over? Fresh slate for college.

(hoping my kid can go to college)

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. My DS didn’t even graduate. It’s hard to watch every year. I have better perspective most of the time now as some time has passed and he is moving forward at his own pace and on his own path, but I don’t know if I’ll ever not ask myself what I should have done differently. In reality though, I got a different kid. My best work is just to walk along whatever road we need to with him. Avoid what you need to (Facebook, social events) to keep your peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a lot of pain right now. My DS has just graduated from high school. He has ADHD and other social skills issues and had a very tough time of school both socially and academically. He did not have any friends other than a few acquaintances. It is so tough participating in graduation filled with hundreds of smiling kids hugging their friends, seeing all the grad parties, seeing pictures of the groups of friends doing their college reveals and hearing about beach week from my own neighbors/friends when my kid is not doing any of that. I feel like I failed him and that his childhood was just filled with pain and struggle. DS is going on to college but his struggles will likely follow him. I just feel so down and am having trouble having conversations with people when they are well meaning and saying "congratulations to [DS]" and "what an exciting time." Because it is actually a terrible time right now. It blows.

You didn't fail him. I get that it's hard for you seeing all that. Look away from social media and look at your kid. How do they feel?

[Anonymous]

My kid ate lunch alone every day in high school and was invited to zero parties and was generally miserable in high school.

He absolutely blossomed in college and made a good group of friends and was so happy. He needed a hard reset to start over because I think he had sort of figured things out even in high school but no one gave him a chance. He did work with a great therapist who really helped him figure out a plan for approaching college.

So have some hope; he really might do better in a new environment where people don’t have preconceptions of him. I’d encourage him to get an on campus job— that was a really good way for my DS to meet and socialize with classmates without the pressure of being “social” if that makes sense.