How to handle long-distance friendship visits we’re not comfortable with?

[Anonymous]

DD13’s close friend moved about three hours away mid–school year. It’s been a mix of emotions; DD was really sad to lose the day-to-day friendship, but if I’m honest, this was also a friend whose in-person influence we’d been a bit concerned about as they head toward high school.

They’re still in touch occasionally (phone/FaceTime), which we’re fine with. The complication is that another family in their old friend group has already done a full weekend visits—driving their child there, dropping off, then picking up Sunday—and now DD is asking if we can do the same.

For a few reasons, we’re not eager to go down that road—the distance/time commitment, and more importantly, wanting to encourage DD to invest in friendships that are local and sustainable, especially with high school coming up, plus knowing nothing of the supervision situation so far from home. We’re happy for her to stay connected, just not to make regular long-distance visits a thing.

How would you explain this in a way that feels fair and not overly controlling? I want to be honest without sounding like we’re just banning the friendship outright.

[Anonymous]

It’s one weekend - it won’t derail local friendships. And you could find out about the supervision provided if you tried.

If you’re that worried invite the friend to stay with you. You can supervise and have all the local friends over to see the visitor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s one weekend - it won’t derail local friendships. And you could find out about the supervision provided if you tried.

If you’re that worried invite the friend to stay with you. You can supervise and have all the local friends over to see the visitor.

I’m sorry, I should have been more clear: I’m not driving 12 hours in one weekend so my DD can spend the night, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. But my 13yo doesn’t understand that reason because she’s thinking emotionally since her other friend has been multiple times, which, in and of itself I find bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one weekend - it won’t derail local friendships. And you could find out about the supervision provided if you tried.

If you’re that worried invite the friend to stay with you. You can supervise and have all the local friends over to see the visitor.

I’m sorry, I should have been more clear: I’m not driving 12 hours in one weekend so my DD can spend the night, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. But my 13yo doesn’t understand that reason because she’s thinking emotionally since her other friend has been multiple times, which, in and of itself I find bizarre.

Yeah, that’s crazy. I wouldn’t be doing that either. Someone will tell you to drive halfway, but that’s still six hours.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the other friend's family has ties there. Can DD go with them sometime?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. I wouldn’t leave my kid there. This friend can stay at our house, perhaps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one weekend - it won’t derail local friendships. And you could find out about the supervision provided if you tried.

If you’re that worried invite the friend to stay with you. You can supervise and have all the local friends over to see the visitor.

I’m sorry, I should have been more clear: I’m not driving 12 hours in one weekend so my DD can spend the night, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. But my 13yo doesn’t understand that reason because she’s thinking emotionally since her other friend has been multiple times, which, in and of itself I find bizarre.

Your kid is confused because you are providing all sorts of mixed up reasons for why you aren’t going to facilitate this trip. This is not about “regular” weekend visits, it’s about the fact that you do not want to and are not going to do it.

Tell your kid, clearly, that it’s too long a drive for you to make for an overnight. Be prepared with an answer if, in the future, 1) the kid who’s family has made that drive a couple times invites your kid along or 2) the friend returns to your town for a visit.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do that with a family I barely knew. Invite the girl back here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one weekend - it won’t derail local friendships. And you could find out about the supervision provided if you tried.

If you’re that worried invite the friend to stay with you. You can supervise and have all the local friends over to see the visitor.

I’m sorry, I should have been more clear: I’m not driving 12 hours in one weekend so my DD can spend the night, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. But my 13yo doesn’t understand that reason because she’s thinking emotionally since her other friend has been multiple times, which, in and of itself I find bizarre.

That’s logical, but I am suspicious that it took you three tries to come up with that reason.

Your DD can probably sense that, whatever you claim, this is absolutely about you not liking the kid who moved away. (Which might be justified, of course, but you aren’t being up front with DD and she can tell.)

[Anonymous]

No.

No

No.

As often as needed.

[Anonymous]

"If she wants to come here, we can talk about that. Her Mom has to call me."

And later, if pressed, "I want you girls here"
No explanation or elaboration required

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one weekend - it won’t derail local friendships. And you could find out about the supervision provided if you tried.

If you’re that worried invite the friend to stay with you. You can supervise and have all the local friends over to see the visitor.

I’m sorry, I should have been more clear: I’m not driving 12 hours in one weekend so my DD can spend the night, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. But my 13yo doesn’t understand that reason because she’s thinking emotionally since her other friend has been multiple times, which, in and of itself I find bizarre.

Then just say that an No. What’s the big deal?

[Anonymous]

Just let her go! Stop being controlling. It's a one time thing. And probably a good experience to get away (from you). It will fizzle in good time.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. It’s ok. If the reasoning is you don’t like her influence I absolutely would not send her there for the weekend and wouldn’t want her at our house for the weekend either. It’s ok to say weekend trips aren’t going to happen.

[Anonymous]

I think it's completely reasonable to tell her a 12 hr round trip weekend trip is not something you're willing to do. It's fine to tell your kids no because it is something you don't want to do. Maybe the next time her friend plans a visit, your DD can tag along.