I don’t talk to my girlfriends about my feelings when I’m upset with them and I’m not sure that’s healthy.

[Anonymous]

Thoughts?

I’m more of the slow fade type and looking back, I’ve definitely lost several friendships over the years and sometimes I regret it. No big fights for the most part, but some tension here and there that maybe could have been worked out with communication.

The last number of years I’ve moved to a model of just ignoring or glossing over issues with friends. Anything but direct conflict.

I have a lot of friends but sometimes I think I don’t feel as close as I should, maybe because I don’t fully express myself.

Thoughts? Is this dumb?

[Anonymous]

I am never that upset with my friends that I have lost friendships or have second-guessed myself over how I handled minor disagreements. My lost friendships all have to do with geographical distance and introversion - I can't handle a large group of friends at once. I maintain a very small group of good friends. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thoughts?

I’m more of the slow fade type and looking back, I’ve definitely lost several friendships over the years and sometimes I regret it. No big fights for the most part, but some tension here and there that maybe could have been worked out with communication.

The last number of years I’ve moved to a model of just ignoring or glossing over issues with friends. Anything but direct conflict.

I have a lot of friends but sometimes I think I don’t feel as close as I should, maybe because I don’t fully express myself.

Thoughts? Is this dumb?

I am trying to change all that in myself. I attempted to open up to someone who considers me like a sister. It didn't go well for me. Turns out, she prefers I gloss over things so she can get back to venting to me. I'm doing the distancing/slow fade with her. I've tried to be more open with friends who are a step above acquaintances. What I've discovered is that those people can listen without trying to deflect, dismiss or minimize my feelings. In turn, they've opened up to me. I always felt my closest relationships were superficial and one sided. I'm learning about balance and reciprocity. Recognizing my friendships weren't working for me was the first step in changing.

[Anonymous]

You are an avoidant and it's terrible for relationship. This blocks emotional intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are an avoidant and it's terrible for relationship. This blocks emotional intimacy.

intimacy is a two way street. The people who engage avoidants are 100% getting something out of it and are highly motivated to keep things as they are.

[Anonymous]

Is what it is.
Maybe therapy

[Anonymous]

You are fine. I don't want to hear about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are fine. I don't want to hear about it.

🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are an avoidant and it's terrible for relationship. This blocks emotional intimacy.

What are avoidants?

I’m not this way with my dh. But everyone else? Yes

[Anonymous]

What on earth are you having tension about with people that are grown adults? I am in my 50s and can’t think of any tension with a friend in the last 20 plus years. Are you young?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What on earth are you having tension about with people that are grown adults? I am in my 50s and can’t think of any tension with a friend in the last 20 plus years. Are you young?

Even when I was young, I didn't get into tiffs with friends. Who are these people who have such disagreements that either they need to hash it out, or they need to suppress their feelings and it makes them upset?

So weird and dramatic. Is it that they're not choosing their friends well, or that they're emotionally dysregulated?

[Anonymous]

You need therapy, OP. Having such strong feelings about communications with friends is not normal. Either they're not friend material to begin with, or else you're way too extreme in your feelings about minor issues. If this keeps happening to you over and over, consider that it might be a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What on earth are you having tension about with people that are grown adults? I am in my 50s and can’t think of any tension with a friend in the last 20 plus years. Are you young?

I'm not OP but we have had some tension in our neighborhood due to two issues involving two couples, both due to alcoholism and abuse. They both had young kids, one couple is divorcing, it was dramatic and involved in ways I would never have expected (we are a very tight-knit neighborhood and our kids are all around the same age and all attend the same small school). It put a lot of stress on our friendships with those couples and it put some stress on our other friendships as people tried to navigate the situations. Sometimes people just aren't who you think they are or something like alcoholism drives them to be a different person than the one you met.

In any event, neither of those situations was a "talk it through" type thing with those couples because the issues were so fundamentally deep that we just distanced ourselves from them permanently, and one moved away. In OP's case I think there are definitely times and places to have conversations with friends, but every friend and every situation is different. My closest friends of 30-40 years and I have definitely had disagreements over time, but we love each other more than the issue (it's not like someone slept with someone else's husband or anything), and so we have always worked it out. I have other "friends" who are more acquaintances or people I associate with due to common interest (i.e. our kids play the same niche sport) who I wouldn't bother trying to work something out with other than to get to a place of indifference. Some relationships can't be saved, and that's ok, but it seems to me like you are avoiding all situations in which there is conflict, and I agree with you, I don't think that's healthy.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who runs away from all friends when anything remotely negative comes up.
Then acts like nothing happened with they run into one another.
They can't handle anything negative, but have no problem infliction negative on others by running away.
It's a very lonely life. Comes from childhood neglect.

[Anonymous]

Yep, it’s dumb. I said something that bothered a friend. She told, explained why, and asked I not say it again. Our friendship was valuable to me, so I stopped. Ten years later we are still friends. No big deal.