Need social advice from parents with older kids

[Anonymous]

This is a good thread so far and made me think my role as a parent of 6 and 11 year old. I was a latch key kid growing up and have grown up to be self sufficient and independent. My childhood was lonely and parents were not the college educated kind and we didn't know the opportunities and resources available to us. I want to break the cycle and build opportunities for my kids. They are turning out great because of the community we have actively created. Sharing parental advice, club opportunities, as well as opportunities of child development. They play more on play dates at the same time as developing risk taking, imaginative roles, right and wrong, leading their own initiatives. It helps to reinforce these development with a community. This socialization has made my kids really well wounded. I am an introvert myself, but I know the value of being an extrovert for my kids. Additionally, I am also a high school teacher and see popular kids all the time. They are not popular because of some sports or clubs exclusively, they are popular because they are really nice people who know how to socialize with various types of people. But I get it if parents rather not, not all parents have to be the same.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to vacation with other families to keep his social life healthy. Invite a friend to go to dinner and do something fun every now and then. Or lunch and a trampoline park. Or just to come play video games. As your kid gets older this involves you less and less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it doesn’t matter. Your child will make friends in school and in the neighborhood without you doing anything at all. As she gets older she can plan and schedule what she wants. Did your parents plan out bunches of social engagements for you in elementary school? Mine certainly didn’t and I still had a great social life. I have three kids: high, middle, and elementary. The families we were friends with and vacationed with in elementary- our kids are no longer close friends with. They all find their own paths. We never did play dates- it makes no difference to their social lives.

To me this is so odd! Growing up, I would have a friend over after school at LEAST once a week. Or go to their house. Having friends over after school was so normal, and it was where our friendships really got deeper. Now, vacationing with another family- that's something that seems so foreign to me. I don't want to share a beach house with another family just because our kids are the same age and like eachother. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it doesn’t matter. Your child will make friends in school and in the neighborhood without you doing anything at all. As she gets older she can plan and schedule what she wants. Did your parents plan out bunches of social engagements for you in elementary school? Mine certainly didn’t and I still had a great social life. I have three kids: high, middle, and elementary. The families we were friends with and vacationed with in elementary- our kids are no longer close friends with. They all find their own paths. We never did play dates- it makes no difference to their social lives.

To me this is so odd! Growing up, I would have a friend over after school at LEAST once a week. Or go to their house. Having friends over after school was so normal, and it was where our friendships really got deeper. Now, vacationing with another family- that's something that seems so foreign to me. I don't want to share a beach house with another family just because our kids are the same age and like eachother. No.

I don't think you're understanding that some of these turn into real friendships among parents too. Most friendships start by chance or convenience like being in the same dorm or class in college. Some people you actually click with and same can happen for parents of your kids' friends. The ones we're close to are ones we also have other stuff in common with and we could have become friends even without the kids. It's just that the kids are the reason we first met and talked and got to know each other.

[Anonymous]

I have two teens in high school and a child in elementary school. We have had many rounds of family friends each step of the way. Now my oldest is 17. I now separate my adult friendships with my children’s.

There is a small window where parent relationships do matter but once kids are 10 and up, they make their own friends. I do not hang out with any parents WITH my teens. Even the parents I have known since elementary, we are definitely friendly but we aren’t doing family vacations together. I do take my teen’s friends with us sometimes on weekend trips. My teens have gone with friends to beach house or ski.

Separately, we do have some family friends we made when those teens were toddlers, preschool or very early elementary. The kids aren’t really friends anymore but we will occasionally get together.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I have always been friendly with the parents whether it is room parent, pta, sports, scouts, etc. I do think my kids benefited a little as they probably got invited to a few more birthday parties because of me and people reciprocated all the times I hosted parties and play dates. This all ends when kids are tweens and middle school.

[Anonymous]

We never did vacations with other families. I do think it’s important to encourage your kid to have friends, host other kids, drive your kid places, make your house welcoming… but you do not need to socialize with the adults if you don’t want to (be friendly, but you don’t need to plan something where you’ll be together all day).

Sometimes friendships develop naturally, and you often have things in common with other parents. But I have a high schooler, and am on a chit-chat basis with the majority of her friend’s parents (if that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its important if you have an only child. I also have an only, shes 13 now and I think its important over the years that they learn that not everything revolves around them and we need to take other peoples needs into consideration as far as taking turns, choosing games to play etc.

Meh. My only child learned all that stuff at school and with friends and gets along well with others. No need to take multi-family vacations or constantly schedule parent-group social events for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to vacation with other families to keep his social life healthy. Invite a friend to go to dinner and do something fun every now and then. Or lunch and a trampoline park. Or just to come play video games. As your kid gets older this involves you less and less.

That not true boo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. I have always been friendly with the parents whether it is room parent, pta, sports, scouts, etc. I do think my kids benefited a little as they probably got invited to a few more birthday parties because of me and people reciprocated all the times I hosted parties and play dates. This all ends when kids are tweens and middle school.

I'm a different poster but this is like our experience. My very social kid managed fine on his own, and we did vacation with his friends in the younger years, but we don't talk to any of those families now as he's entering MS. I have a less social elementary kid who would probably not get any invites if I didn't go out of my way to make friends with other parents, host events, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its important if you have an only child. I also have an only, shes 13 now and I think its important over the years that they learn that not everything revolves around them and we need to take other peoples needs into consideration as far as taking turns, choosing games to play etc.

Meh. My only child learned all that stuff at school and with friends and gets along well with others. No need to take multi-family vacations or constantly schedule parent-group social events for that.

Most only children I know have become fairly awkward adults... I don't mean introverted, more like needy - require attention or validation of some sort. Seems like this could have been mitigated by having them participate in more group activities as kids.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its important if you have an only child. I also have an only, shes 13 now and I think its important over the years that they learn that not everything revolves around them and we need to take other peoples needs into consideration as far as taking turns, choosing games to play etc.

Meh. My only child learned all that stuff at school and with friends and gets along well with others. No need to take multi-family vacations or constantly schedule parent-group social events for that.

Most only children I know have become fairly awkward adults... I don't mean introverted, more like needy - require attention or validation of some sort. Seems like this could have been mitigated by having them participate in more group activities as kids.

Interesting. Most of the only children I know are chill because they never had to compete for attention or resources

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its important if you have an only child. I also have an only, shes 13 now and I think its important over the years that they learn that not everything revolves around them and we need to take other peoples needs into consideration as far as taking turns, choosing games to play etc.

Meh. My only child learned all that stuff at school and with friends and gets along well with others. No need to take multi-family vacations or constantly schedule parent-group social events for that.

Most only children I know have become fairly awkward adults... I don't mean introverted, more like needy - require attention or validation of some sort. Seems like this could have been mitigated by having them participate in more group activities as kids.

This isn’t true IMO. The only children I know are sometimes not self aware. They are a little selfish but fine overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to keep in mind that K-8 socializing is as much about the parents as their kids. I wasn't huge into the parent social swirl, either. I'm an ambivert, which means I'm equally introverted and extroverted. I think my problem is I see through people's facades, masks, way too easily. I can read body language even when I don't want to. So I catch the subtle eye roll, etc. I could spot the fake moms who would sell me out, gossip behind my back, or be mean to my kids within minutes of being around them. I'm very choosy about who I let into my world, my circle is small. Our kids always had a few friends and I always had one or two mom friends. High school moms are competing against each other and building hierarchies around their kids' activities. You'll know these moms by their shirts because they tend to create a special tshirt for their "in mom" group that they all wear at the same time. It's very high school -- you're bang on, OP. It' a-okay to keep your dignity. I have zero regrets about keeping mine. --Mom of college kids

I have never heard about this. Is this different from simple "boosters"? Is it more "we wear pink"?
This sounds crazy and not subtle at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it doesn’t matter. Your child will make friends in school and in the neighborhood without you doing anything at all. As she gets older she can plan and schedule what she wants. Did your parents plan out bunches of social engagements for you in elementary school? Mine certainly didn’t and I still had a great social life. I have three kids: high, middle, and elementary. The families we were friends with and vacationed with in elementary- our kids are no longer close friends with. They all find their own paths. We never did play dates- it makes no difference to their social lives.

To me this is so odd! Growing up, I would have a friend over after school at LEAST once a week. Or go to their house. Having friends over after school was so normal, and it was where our friendships really got deeper. Now, vacationing with another family- that's something that seems so foreign to me. I don't want to share a beach house with another family just because our kids are the same age and like eachother. No.

We didn’t have play dates because parents worked. It was no big deal at all and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. We had a neighborhood full of kids of varying ages. Interestingly, the neighborhood kids and my school friends had no crossover. I wasn’t friends with the neighborhood kids at school. We played with each other in the evenings and on the weekends- like built forts in the woods, went on long walks to no where, congregated in someone’s basement for hours, kickball games in field or someone’s yard. Dawn to dusk old school activities. It was great fun and some of my best memories- but these were kids I would have never been friends with, had they not been my neighbors (different grades, classes, different interests, some different schools). It was like a special club we all were part of but never mentioned outside of our club. This kind of spontaneous socializing is far more valuable than the contrived playdates of today.