We pretty much never talk about dead Dad

[Anonymous]

My husband's Father passed away a few months ago and he was extremely close to his Dad, but we live far away so didn't see him daily.

I'm a little surprised that my husband pretty much never talks about him. Our life is very full at the moment. It sometimes feels like we're just barely holding it together. So I get there isn't a lot of time to think.

I feel like I'm in denial. Like he's still here we just haven't seen him recently. He was such a good man, Father, Grandfather its really just so awful that we lost him.

I guess I don't know if I should be worried about my husband. He's about to go through a stressful transition (from active duty to civilian) and our friends mental health has pretty reliably taken a nosedive post-transition.

[Anonymous]

You can talk about him. You can talk about him to your kids. Or make a meal he liked and talk about that. You can start.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. Is he a person who would brood on this but not talk and so talking would be helpful or is he someone (like me) who just locks bad things into the back of his head and doesn’t bring them out and doesn’t think about them (I realize it’s not a healthy thing abstractly but it’s worked for me for 50 years so I don’t really see the need to change)

[Anonymous]

Your husband and me are likely the same type of person. I saw no reason to bring up my dad after his death. I didn't need to talk it through, I didn't need to work through my grief...it just was it was. I concentrated on all the good in my life and privately thought about my dad at certain times.

It sounds like you are the one who needs support grieving. Everyone grieves differently, don't expect your husband to be the same as you. Share your grief and feelings with your best friend and work through them

[Anonymous]

Depends on the death and how sudden or unexpected it was. If full life and old age, or a battle with a disease then people had their heart to heart talks and said goodbye many times.

How was the funeral and eulogies? Did people celebrate and make peace with the death?

You haven’t mentioned any of the above in your post, yet they are big drivers of the grieving or processing time, and when it actually started.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure they were very close?

I loved my FIL, and thought he and my husband were very close. After he died, I found out it was sort of a relief when he passed, as DH hasn’t had the best childhood with this man, things I didn’t know about until he died. I never knew *that* man; I had a different relationship. Our kids had a different relationship.

I bring him up from time to time, but my relationship was clearly different. What was your husband’s relationship like, truly?

[Anonymous]

If he was in his 80s like so many parents today, lots of children have made peace with that and are just hoping for a good and noble end to lives well lived. We need to stop thinking or wanting people to live forever.

[Anonymous]

My mom died a year ago, and I consider her the best friend I ever had. There is not a day that I don't think about her, and I have accepted the dull ache of missing her to just be part of my daily life. I don't talk about her as much as people might expect me to, mostly because I still tend to tear up when I do and don't want to make people uncomfortable or ruin a good vibe.

[Anonymous]

Was it expected or unexpected? How old was his Dad?

Maybe it is just too hard to talk about right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he was in his 80s like so many parents today, lots of children have made peace with that and are just hoping for a good and noble end to lives well lived. We need to stop thinking or wanting people to live forever.

Grief does not mean we wanted or expected someone to live forever. I’ve lost people unexpectedly (car accident) as well as after a long illness. There are differences but I miss them equally. It sort of showed up for me over a longer period of time than the immediate aftermath, when I would want to talk to them, or look forward to how they would react to good news, etc.

Everyone finds their own path, but I love the idea about making a meal the FIL would have loved, and just referencing that briefly at the meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was in his 80s like so many parents today, lots of children have made peace with that and are just hoping for a good and noble end to lives well lived. We need to stop thinking or wanting people to live forever.

Grief does not mean we wanted or expected someone to live forever. I’ve lost people unexpectedly (car accident) as well as after a long illness. There are differences but I miss them equally. It sort of showed up for me over a longer period of time than the immediate aftermath, when I would want to talk to them, or look forward to how they would react to good news, etc.

Everyone finds their own path, but I love the idea about making a meal the FIL would have loved, and just referencing that briefly at the meal.

I think everyone grieves differently, too, especially men, who tend to be more stoic, even in situations where the loss was unexpected. Some people crumble, some people employ radical acceptance and move on. They’re no right or wrong way. If you’d like to bring him up, do that.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him? “I can’t believe it’s been 3 months. You’ve been pretty quiet about it- how are you doing?”

[Anonymous]

I rarely talk about my mother who died even though we were very close. I think everyone handles grief differently, and just because someone is handling it differently from you doesn't mean that they are handling it badly. I would leave him be.

[Anonymous]

We lost my mom about 15 years ago and my dad, sister and I rarely ever talk about it to each other. It was a long, slow, painful loss. It's way too painful to discuss together. It's easier for me to talk about her to other people than to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and me are likely the same type of person. I saw no reason to bring up my dad after his death. I didn't need to talk it through, I didn't need to work through my grief...it just was it was. I concentrated on all the good in my life and privately thought about my dad at certain times.

It sounds like you are the one who needs support grieving. Everyone grieves differently, don't expect your husband to be the same as you. Share your grief and feelings with your best friend and work through them

This. Sometimes I feel like I grieve my FIL more than my husband does - but I know that’s not true! DH simply doesn’t dwell on things the way I do. I also reminisce with my kids - he was a good grandfather and I don’t want them to forget. When this happens at the dinner table and DH goes quiet - I know he misses him dearly.