how responsible should we be for parent's weekend companionship?

[Anonymous]

My widowed 80yo mother-in-law generally spends one weekend afternoon at my sister-in-law's home, which is much closer to her than our home (we're an hour away). Not long after FIL died, SIL asked me and DH to do more to help keep MIL occupied. She indicated that she didn't love having MIL come over every single weekend and just sit on her couch and watch TV with her. Since then, we have tried to meet up with MIL more and also took her with us on vacation this past winter.

We just got a text from SIL letting us know that she would be away this weekend and asking us to please make plans with MIL "otherwise she will have nothing to do." MIL lives in a nice 55+ community with a clubhouse and activities. She drives during the day, and she does have a few friends in the development. She spends two days a week with her best friend at a local casino, her primary form of entertainment.

We happen to be free tomorrow and will ask MIL to meet for lunch, but the bigger issue is why SIL feels she--and, in her absence, we--need to be responsible for MIL's weekend social life, especially last minute. MIL has a car and a phone of her own. DH and I have encouraged MIL to get more involved in activities so she's busier, but she said she's okay being bored and just watching TV.

I asked DH to please call his sister and try to navigate this dynamic, and he said he would, but I have my doubts that this will change. I don't know if the issue is that SIL cannot say no to MIL and so MIL doesn't make alternative weekend plans or if MIL is genuinely lonely and unable/unwilling to reach out to people. Should I stay out of this one completely and let DH handle?

[Anonymous]

Sad that her asking you all to spend one weekend day with your husband's mother makes you so upset you need to post about it?

Obviously your mother in law is lonely and it is your husband's dad. She's asked you all in many ways to spend time with the mom. That would indicate that the mom is lonely.

You don't need to "do" anything. But I'd advise not making this into something. If you can't do it, don't. Also, your husband could go alone and spend time with his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad that her asking you all to spend one weekend day with your husband's mother makes you so upset you need to post about it?

Obviously your mother in law is lonely and it is your husband's dad. She's asked you all in many ways to spend time with the mom. That would indicate that the mom is lonely.

You don't need to "do" anything. But I'd advise not making this into something. If you can't do it, don't. Also, your husband could go alone and spend time with his mom.

+1
You sound incredibly selfish. SIL has made a basic ask that your husband spend time with his mother Once or twice a month. Just figure out a way to do it or get out of the way and let your husband do it.

[Anonymous]

Leave it to your husband. But I think what you aren't grasping is that MIL wants to see her son. Yes she can drive to a casino or join a club or whatever. But that is not the same thing as seeing her beloved son.

[Anonymous]

Completely let you husband handle.

And, people can ask anything. It doesn't mean others have to fulfill their request, understand it, agree with it.

Reasonable people adjust to each other -- and it's easier and more linear communication if 1 person only is the point person --- and that should be your husband.

Agree, she wants to see her son. Op, can you imagine you'd miss your children if you hadn't seen them in awhile?? Of course !!

[Anonymous]

I think your expectations of someone in her 80s are pretty high. It sounds like she does well with her routine and her trusted friends, not so good with anyone or anything new, and probably doesnt have the energy for a busier schedule than she currently has. So SIL is trying to provide her with a routine low-stress outing. And she's suggesting that your husband could fit into that routine by taking a weekend. She probably thinks weekends are better for your DH than weekdays.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to be "responsible" for her weekend social life, but it is much better for MIL to stay active and have outings and variety and social interactions. Even if she thinks she doesn't want these things, they will do her good.

SIL does not sound unreasonable. She's not trying to coerce you, she's just asking. You can say no. But I do not think one lunch a month (or whatever) is unreasonable for a widow in her 80s to want from her son.

[Anonymous]

I suspect SIL somehow feels bad that MIL isn't seeing family every weekend, for some weird reason, and is creating problems when there are none, given your MIL has not reached out to you, and given that she's already in a community with lots of socializing.

I know people like your SIL. They continually ask others to pitch in for socialization purposes and can't seem to understand that not everyone has the same social needs.

I would politely ignore the SIL honestly, and just see MIL when you want to see her.

[Anonymous]

So the conversation between DH and his sister is that she should not be directing or dictating how much time you do or do not spend with MIL. If SIL wants to be responsible for 100% of MILs social activities fine for her. She doesn’t get to put that monkey onto you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad that her asking you all to spend one weekend day with your husband's mother makes you so upset you need to post about it?

Obviously your mother in law is lonely and it is your husband's dad. She's asked you all in many ways to spend time with the mom. That would indicate that the mom is lonely.

You don't need to "do" anything. But I'd advise not making this into something. If you can't do it, don't. Also, your husband could go alone and spend time with his mom.

But they shouldn't feel guilted into having to do this every weekend! The MIL lives in a community where she can socialize.

So the discussion needs to be had with SIL and let her know that nobody needs to spend time with MIL every weekend. Stop doing that and she will make more friends nearby.

[Anonymous]

Don't any of you *get* missing a child?

[Anonymous]

You need to leave this decision to your husband and support him in what he decides. I hope you’ll give your children the grace you seem to want your MIL to extend to you if they don’t want to hang out with you in your later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't any of you *get* missing a child?

No. My MIL verbalizes to my husband that she misses him - we live on a different continent and see her whenever we travel to our home country. This means we see her, and my parents, less than once a year.
If the MIL in this case, who is cognitively unimpaired, and busy with activities, has not told anyone she misses her son or wished she saw him more often, then I don't think it's on OP and husband to sacrifice every weekend to visit MIL an hour away. Once a month would be great.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Remember that will be you one day.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your sil is doing more than you realize, and would like acknowledgment and thanks. Entertain the mil and see what’s going on.
Then thank sil for doing more than her share.