Snooping on your kids…

[Anonymous]

10 y/o DD gets good grades and is an all-around good kid for the most part. she's not a problem child. She is typical... sibling rivalry at times, frustrated being told no, hates that she doesn't always get her way, etc.

Now, this morning, I was doing their laundry. I went into the bedroom she shares with her 12 y/o sister and noticed her bed was a bit messy, so I went to make it a bit neater, since there seemed to be a lot of stuff under her covers. I discovered 3 pillows (I don't know why she needs so many... but whatever). - So I go to straighten them up and I discover a blanket folded up under the pillows. I pulled it out to put it back in the closet and her journal fell out of it. OK. So, I’m standing there with her journal in my hand. I opened it up. There weren't things in there that were too terrible, though she did go on a swearing rant about something that made her mad, but she knows better than to ever let me hear her swear.

But now I feel terribly guilty about my snooping. Would somebody out there please help me feel better about this? I do believe we need to keep an eye on our kids and who they are when they're not with us because like it or not, they only show us what they want us to see. Anyway, I didn't mean to do it. My mission in entering her room was innocent enough. So it's not like I went in to snoop.

So my question: Do you snoop on your kids? and then... what if I find something really disturbing in the coming years? I don’t want her to hide things from me, but if I found out she was kissing boys (or worse, other girls) or doing drugs, having sex, etc. I may have to come clean and tell her I know about it because I snooped just so I can address the behavior.

[Anonymous]

My mother did that to me when I was about your daughter's age, maybe a little older and at the time I was super mad at her but in the long run it was for my best. She was able to help me work out some issues I was having and her concern really made me feel like she was someone on my team and that I could go to her with anything I needed help with. It's all in how it's handled in my opinion. If I came across my daughter's journal, I'd probably read it and I won't feel bad about it.

Now, would I tell her EVER that I read her journal? No I don't think I would. I think I would find another way to address what I found out without telling her I read her journal. Tell her one of her friends Mom's talked to me or one of her friends etc. And I certainly wouldn't go reading it every day or every month but if my kid is exhibiting strange behavior or hanging out with a different crowd, I'll be looking for it then.

I don't think you should address the cursing rant you found. She knows that you wouldn't tolerate that and that's why she wrote it down. I'd actually be proud of her for that. She knows what's acceptable and what isn't and she went the appropriate route to vent her frustrations.

So I don't know if this made you feel better or not but I really wouldn't think twice about it. In my opinion you're being a responsible parent who only has her child's best interest at heart. Just don't use typical pre-teen/teen age behavior against her. She's gonna curse you out in that journal and she's going to talk about boys she likes and girls she doesn't like and that's all normal. Only step in when it's dangerous to her physical, moral or spiritual safety.

[Anonymous]

I am all for snooping. I look at it this way snooping could save their life one day. How would you feel if you did not snoop and found out too late that they were doing drugs or being pressured into something they did not want to do? I have 2 teenage girls and I have no problem snooping once and a while. I call it cleaning their bedroom though! I trust my girls, but I also know that their is a lot of peer pressure at this age and I would like to feel I have done everything I could to keep them safe.

[Anonymous]

I read my teen's texts. It's synched to an old ipad and I check them regularly. Most peer conversation is on Snapchat, but at least I know that no adults are trying to reach out without involving me

[Anonymous]

I remember my parents finding some things out about me by snooping when I was a teenager. I don't think they read my diary but my dad listened in on a phone call when he was worried about a certain boy I was talking to and I know my mom read at least one of my notes to a friend. At the time I thought they were invading my privacy and was upset. Now I realize it was just because they care about me and love me and I'm thankful for it.

[Anonymous]

At 10 years old the only helpful information you might get is if she’s a bully or if she’s getting picked on. Important information I think.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are too old for you to go in and clean their rooms like that. They are certainly too old for you to be rearranging pillowing and their blankets. You were wrong. Hard stop. You know that and crossed a line reading the journal.

This is different than spot checking the phone, internet use or cleaning the room when it got dirty out of control. If you suspect drugs, you toss it like a jail cell. But in your situation, you give your kid privacy.

No, you don’t say anything since you were in the wrong. Your kid is entitled to have feeling and you violated their privacy.

[Anonymous]

I kinda think don't do it again unless there's something you are worried about, and even then, talk to her first.

[Anonymous]

And adding to my post above, what behavior are you addressing? She wrote swear words? What a great coping mechanism! She wrote down a rant instead of expressing it aloud! If only adults had that level of self control. The world would be a better place.

[Anonymous]

I believe privacy should be respected. I also don't think you should tell her about it. It definitely will ruin your relationship. It will ease your guilt, and it offer nothing to her, other than the fact, that you invaded her privacy. It was innocent enough, because you did not go in her room with the intention of snooping. As a young girl, she won't see it that way. I am all for snooping, if there is a problem with a child, that you cannot reach through any other means, such as talking about it, etc. If you feel there is a problem, than by all means, you have to what you have to do. In the meantime, I would just leave well enough alone.

[Anonymous]

This is a sticky situation. I had a collection of about 10 journals from the time I was able to write until high school. My parents snooped, read every single one, and found out many things they didn't know and I didn't want them to. Mainly sex. That incident led to some rough teenage years for both of us, all trust I had with them went out the window and it seriously hurt our relationship. But now as a mother I understand why they did it and would 100% do it with my children. As parents, it's our job to protect our kids ANY WAY POSSIBLE. And if that includes invading privacy that they don't really have a right to anyways, I'm all for it.

[Anonymous]

I remember when I was that age. And I remember my dad snooping and being sneaky. He went further than you- he came to my school and went through my locker, he searched my room, he tape recorded all my phone calls- to everyone. I had no privacy. Yes, I was still a minor and yes, I lived in his house, but everyone is entitled to some privacy. I'm sure you're thinking I must have done something to have him be this non trusting of me. But I didn't. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17- didn't have sex until I was 18 (and living on my own), never tried drugs, didn't have my first drink until I was 20, I was an A and B student. I was editor of my yearbook, an editor for my school newspaper, swam for a community swim team, was involved in peer teaching. But for a long time I couldn't figure out how he would tell me parts of conversations I had had with my friends, my mom, and my siblings (my parents are divorced). Until I was 16 and saw a tape labeled Amanda Phone on top of his dresser when I went to go get something off of there. So the next time I was home alone- I listened to it and the others I found in his drawer (yes I went snooping myself then). He listened to everything- conversations I had had with everyone.

I was mortified to find out he had listened to me talking about crushes on boys, talking about getting my period, cramps, when I started shaving, all personal things that he had no business knowing about. Then I set up a way to find out if he was reading my journal and going through my closet- and surprise, surprise- he was. And a teacher I was close to told me about him going through my locker. So I started hiding things from him. My Mom, friends, and I developed a code to use on the phone so he wouldn't know what I was talking about. I hid my boyfriend from him for months, I stopped bringing my friends around, I lied about where I was going, what I was doing. I came up with any excuse to be anywhere but at home. All to gain some of my privacy back. And to keep him out of my life. I wanted to be in my life as little as possible.

And then I moved out before senior year was over (although there were other circumstances involved there) and haven't looked back since. I haven't spoken to him in years. I felt like he lied to me and I couldn't trust him. And I couldn't stand being around him. He's never met my daughter and has no idea where I live or my phone number or anything.

I didn't have an open relationship with my mom either but my best friend and I both had one with her mom. She talked to us and really listened to us and made herself a part of our lives. She asked us pointed questions about things and was very honest with us. And you know what? I think she was a big reason we didn't do the things other kids our age around us were doing. We weren't a part of the kids stealing and drinking and doing drugs and acting out. She never once snooped on us. She didn't have too.

[Anonymous]

My mother did that to me when I was about your daughter's age, maybe a little older and at the time I was super mad at her but in the long run it was for my best. She was able to help me work out some issues I was having and her concern really made me feel like she was someone on my team and that I could go to her with anything I needed help with. It's all in how it's handled in my opinion.

Now, would I tell her EVER that I read her journal? No I don't think I would. I think I would find another way to address what I found out without telling her I read her journal. Tell her one of her friends Mom's talked to me or one of her friends etc. And I certainly wouldn't go reading it every day or every month unless my kid is exhibiting strange behavior or hanging out with a different crowd I'll be looking for it then.

I don't think you should address the cursing rant you found, she knows that you wouldn't tolerate that and that's why she wrote it down. I'd actually be proud of her for that. She knows what's acceptable and what isn't and she went the appropriate route to vent her frustrations.

[Anonymous]

I have a 14 year old son and I worked in a middle school for 8 years. My feeling on it is that your room is in my house so I will look around when I think I need to. We are straight up about that with our son so he knew what to expect from us. I do think however that they need the respect of some privacy - telephone calls, journals, bathroom time, knocking before entering their room when you know they are in there, etc.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have read the journal. How interesting could it even be age 10, really?? 🤣

I kept fairly tight parental control of electronics/phones through middle school.

In high school, no. I do want them to have Life360/location on, but I only check it if nervous about a brand new driver or they are out late in the evening etc. I would not be interested in texts etc (or their diary) unless there was a really serious concern. Drugs etc. or something else bad.

I clean their rooms sometimes but I am not purposely inspecting or looking for things.

I always knock loudly on their bedroom door and wait for them to acknowledge me. Or open the door very slowly if I think they might be using headphones and didn’t hear me. I don’t want to see anything I shouldn’t see. 🤣