Would you tell him the truth?

[Anonymous]

About a month ago I ended things with a guy I had been dating. He was younger than me by a few years, in his early 30s. When we first started dating, he was great- seemed mature, responsible, sexy.

But after a few weeks, I guess after he had gotten more comfortable around me, it was like he reverted to being a teenage boy. Farting all the time around me, constant homophobic and poop jokes, if he had stomach problems he would tell me all the details about his bathroom trips, laughing at me during sex (not like cute laughing because something weird happened, like if I made any noise whatsoever or tried to dirty talk he’d just laugh), he’d try to initiate sex by either groping my chest or whipping his junk out and shaking it at me. When he visted extended family, he would troll the woman to try to get them to fight with each other. Everything was a big joke to him.

It was SO weird and such a 180 from the guy I originally met. He grew up around all guys, and was military, so I chalked it up to the dude had never really been around women. But I guess he knew enough to not act like a total caveman at first?

Anyway, I ended things soon afterwards because I was so grossed out. He was actually pretty distraught over me ending things. I never really gave him a reason why, just that I thought we weren’t compatible.

He’s reached out and wants to talk about why I ended it for closure. How honest should I be with him? I don’t want to lie and reassure him he’s great, but also, I feel bad saying that basically everything about his personality is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

I hate the concept of closure and worry he'd try to use this to "litigate" your breakup. He just needs to learn to move on.

I would not meet up with him.

[Anonymous]

Only since he asked, tell him. Meet him in public for a brief time and tell him what you told us. State what you told us, and don't stick around for conversation.

Or not. You owe him nothing. You are entitled to your preference. I don't think "the when" mattered. That's what the dating period is for.

[Anonymous]

Don't meet with him in person.

You could say something in text like...

"I enjoyed the mature polite "best behavior" you showed during our early dates. Later on, when you felt more relaxed, you were comfortable saying and doing things that were dealbreakers for me (such as farting on me and making negative remarks about gay people). I am looking for a partner who authentically displays mature and polite behavior consistently. While you have many good qualities, I don't think you're the right person for me."

[Anonymous]

Did you tell him you did not like this stuff at the time? If you did, then I would just say that you did not like how he behaved around you after the beginning. If you did not ever tell him these things, well that’s a mistake. I would give him the list. He was great at the start but then became immature. I will also add that when a partner does things you don’t like tell them in the moment, so they can improve or not

[Anonymous]

I'd totally tell him that he was too immature.

DH and I joke a lot, but man nothing like that. I don't even think that's teenaged boy material, that's what 5 year old boys do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only since he asked, tell him. Meet him in public for a brief time and tell him what you told us. State what you told us, and don't stick around for conversation.

Or not. You owe him nothing. You are entitled to your preference. I don't think "the when" mattered. That's what the dating period is for.

Why meet in public? Just have a phone conversation.

[Anonymous]

He’s asking for feedback so I’d give it freely. Be kind but honest. Maybe he can do some self-reflection. I think this would be a huge favor for him.

[Anonymous]

Text him the link to this thread and then block him (assuming you want no further contact).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell him you did not like this stuff at the time? If you did, then I would just say that you did not like how he behaved around you after the beginning. If you did not ever tell him these things, well that’s a mistake. I would give him the list. He was great at the start but then became immature. I will also add that when a partner does things you don’t like tell them in the moment, so they can improve or not

I did tell him at the time, but also, I'm 40. I don't want to have to explain to a grown man I don't need a play-by-play of his diarrhea, or to not make gay jokes loudly at a restaurant where our server was gay, or to please not try to pee on me in the shower. So that's why I ended it, rather than try to be his mom and teach him appropriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate the concept of closure and worry he'd try to use this to "litigate" your breakup. He just needs to learn to move on.

I would not meet up with him.

+1000

Just ignore.
Believe me, he knows why. I dated a Jekyll Hyde guy, and at one point he confessed, he could only be “best behavior” for so long. He will swear to be different - but he won’t be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Text him the link to this thread and then block him (assuming you want no further contact).

Please don’t. Then he will chime in and then troll us.

[Anonymous]

It's not your job to teach a grown man how to behave appropriately or how to be a decent human being.

Seriously, if he needs you to explain to him that these behaviors, including the homophobic jokes, are disgusting, you aren't going to fix him. He showed you who he is, so why would you invest more of your time with this man trying to teach him to be someone different? Even one conversation feels like a one-sided waste of your time.

[Anonymous]

Look, you told him at the time and he just ignored and pushed your boundaries. He knows he was doing it.
No meeting, not talking, nothing. Bye bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, you told him at the time and he just ignored and pushed your boundaries. He knows he was doing it.
No meeting, not talking, nothing. Bye bye.

+1 to all this. The guy acted like a frat bro and doesn't understand that his actions have consequences. He also doesn't need to meet in person to do any of this. I highly suspect this is an attempt to get OP back or "win" the breakup.