Visits- what to expect

[Anonymous]

We recently visited my son’s family for two weeks, a long flight for us. We spent a nice four day Easter weekend at a resort with them. But then once back at their house, it was difficult to get any meaningful time with the grandkids or my son.

The kids, in middle school, had things after school - practices and bday parties- and the parents had conferences and evening events too. The girls also mainly retreated to their rooms at night, or one would watch tv with us until late.

I miss the days when families would visit each other for half of summer or extended periods with no work. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Phones killed it.

Also as a working mother myself, women having limited vacation time killed leisurely summer vacations with relatives.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, this isn’t summer and they had to work. Were the kids on spring break?

2 weeks is a really long time. Even if you were coming from Alaska, the flight isn’t that long.

[Anonymous]

Middle schoolers don’t exactly sit around on your lap and play with blocks like toddlers. They should be busy with sports, friends, and homework after school.

Growing up, I mainly saw my grandparents for holiday meals, family bday dinners and mothers or Father’s Day.

[Anonymous]

Beyond dinner together you are not being realistic. Kids have school, activities, sports. Offer to drive them, then take them for a quick meal, etc. when the parents were out, take them for a nice dinner or fun.

[Anonymous]

Did you work OP?

Are you leisurely wealthy where everyone in the family blows off summer to hang out at the estate?

I don’t know anyone’s kids who sit at Grandmas house half the summer. Maybe a divorce situation and over-working father. Most older kids have camps, summer school, a job, school stuff, sports, and maybe a vacation or two.

[Anonymous]

They spent 4 days at a resort with you. It's not summer vaacation, why wouldn't the kids have stuff during the school year. This is why people post that nothing is enough for the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

OP, our family had a 2 night/3 day rule. No visits longer than that.

Go with what works. For your family. You know the resort get together worked. Do that again.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so you had a nice vacation with them when they were on BREAK…

But then when they returned to school, work, and regular life, you’re pouting?

Next time either visit during the summer or freaking leave earlier. No one wanted you there that long, not your son, not his wife, not the kids. Or if you were going to be there that long, you are expected to fall into their regular life, routine and rhythms without being a total burden and a total bore.

[Anonymous]

OP, it you want to stay longer is their area, stay someplace other than their house, and have plenty else to do in the area. Make some memories for yourself, have some favorite places to go, routines, that don't involve your kids. If you were in their area for 2 weeks, maybe you'd have dinner with them a couple times. Maybe you'd be going to a sporting event of your Grandkids. You would not be seeing them everyday, certainly not. See them, when invited, likely a few hours every several days. OP, I am likely your age. The idea of being there, in town, you could stretch for more than 2 weeks. We've stayed in our kid's area for a month at a time but you fill most of your time with independent adventures. You show up only when invited and that's occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Op, want more time with your Grandchildren? Can you be in charge while your son and wife go on vacation? Could you manage that? Do they think you could manage that? You'd have to completely adapt to the routine of the household/school/activities.

[Anonymous]

You have to meet them where they are. Go to the kids’ activities where that’s appropriate. Ask if you can make or order dinner sometimes so you can all sit down together. Make things easier for the parents so they have more time. Have grandkids show you what they are interested in, and be interested in those things. When my youngest was deep in a Star Wars phase my mother watched all the movies and used Claude to help her get the main points of the shows etc. My son loved talking to her about that. Join in their games. Maybe they don’t want to play Monopoly but they will play video games or Unstable Unicorns.


I also noticed this:
[/b] But then once back at their house, it was difficult to get any meaningful time with the grandkids or my son.[b]

What about DIL? You didn’t mention quality time including her. It sounds like she works. Are you expecting her to make things happen? Do you have a good relationship with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently visited my son’s family for two weeks, a long flight for us. We spent a nice four day Easter weekend at a resort with them. But then once back at their house, it was difficult to get any meaningful time with the grandkids or my son.

The kids, in middle school, had things after school - practices and bday parties- and the parents had conferences and evening events too. The girls also mainly retreated to their rooms at night, or one would watch tv with us until late.

I miss the days when families would visit each other for half of summer or extended periods with no work. Oh well.

It sounds like your son did not actually want you to visit for two weeks. That is a long visit. If he wanted to spend time with you, he would have. You need to take the hint and adjust.

Did you grow up wealthy so that the adults in your family didn't have jobs and could just while away the summer doing nothing? You need to adjust your expectations about how much vacation time the adults actually have.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to halt my kid's after school activities or sports because a grandparent is visiting for 2 weeks. One practice or activity in a visit? Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to meet them where they are. Go to the kids’ activities where that’s appropriate. Ask if you can make or order dinner sometimes so you can all sit down together. Make things easier for the parents so they have more time. Have grandkids show you what they are interested in, and be interested in those things. When my youngest was deep in a Star Wars phase my mother watched all the movies and used Claude to help her get the main points of the shows etc. My son loved talking to her about that. Join in their games. Maybe they don’t want to play Monopoly but they will play video games or Unstable Unicorns.


I also noticed this:
[/b] But then once back at their house, it was difficult to get any meaningful time with the grandkids or my son.[b]

What about DIL? You didn’t mention quality time including her. It sounds like she works. Are you expecting her to make things happen? Do you have a good relationship with her?

It doesn't appear OP cares about DIL but she misses the good old days when the kids were younger and easier to hang with. None of this sounds like it's about DIL at all. Sounds like OP is resigned to "it is what it is".