Reward for DD & Punishment for DS

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had an important trip(unexpected)—just three nights—and we left our 18 year old daughter in charge of our 15, 14, 11 year old. Most things went fine, but our 11 year old son kept getting out of bed at night to use devices, even after repeated warnings, and wouldn’t listen to our daughter during mornings.

Our daughter did a great job managing everyone, but our son made it challenging nights and mornings. Now that we’re home, we’re trying to figure out the best way to handle this: how do we reward our daughter for responsibly taking charge, while also giving appropriate consequences to our son for repeatedly breaking rules?

[Anonymous]

[list]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had an important trip(unexpected)—just three nights—and we left our 18 year old daughter in charge of our 15, 14, 11 year old. Most things went fine, but our 11 year old son kept getting out of bed at night to use devices, even after repeated warnings, and wouldn’t listen to our daughter during mornings.

Our daughter did a great job managing everyone, but our son made it challenging nights and mornings. Now that we’re home, we’re trying to figure out the best way to handle this: how do we reward our daughter for responsibly taking charge, while also giving appropriate consequences to our son for repeatedly breaking rules?

Separately and you don’t discuss one with the other.

You pay your daughter. She acted as a nanny for 3 days. Handle your son as you would if he disobeyed any caregiver

[Anonymous]

You pay her for her time, and you take his devices away - he's made it clear he's not mature enough for them yet. It's not so much a punishment for him, but "thank you for showing us that you're not ready for this privilege yet. We will try again in 2027."

[Anonymous]

I agree with paying her, and taking away device. What did your daughter do when he wasn’t listening?

[Anonymous]

Does little brother get along with big sis normally?

Is this his only infraction or were there other misbehaviors?

Is his behavior typical or was it part of him acting out bc you and dh were gone, feeling Anxious, wanted to chill at a bit without you around, press boundaries bc, you know, he's 11 yrs old, etc.

Were expectations set prior?

Did you call/Facetime to check-in daily? And reiterate the importance of no screens at bed with him personally?

Not condoning the behavior, but how much of this scenario was setup by failure on your part?

[Anonymous]

What was so important you'd leave three kids alone? Why do you need to crowd source this? He loses electronics for a week. You pay her $1K.

[Anonymous]

This was a long responsibility to put on your 18 yo. Pay her a lot of money and be thankful it all went okay.

Take away your younger kid’s electronics for a day or two and the move on. Again, be thankful nothing bad happened. You have really good kids.

In the future, you tell your oldest to charge them in her bedroom to avoid temptation.

I probably wouldn’t even do a punishment but my 18 yo would let the younger ones have a free for all and they would band together to not tell us about using them all night. And I’d call that a win because everyone was safe.

[Anonymous]

^ and yes, I’d give her at least $1000 for 3 days and that may kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused why you’re confused. Why wouldn’t you pay her and why wouldn’t you take his devices? I’d do a week but that’s maybe the subjective part of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ and yes, I’d give her at least $1000 for 3 days and that may kids.

Ridiculous. She is their child. She works for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was so important you'd leave three kids alone? Why do you need to crowd source this? He loses electronics for a week. You pay her $1K.

This. But I wouldn’t pay $1000. It’s their own child and 2/3 kids are teens. Her compensation shouldn’t be equal to if you outsourced this to a someone else. I’d pay her $300-500.

[Anonymous]

Devices GONE. If he tantrums for them, add more time to the punishment.

Ask your dd what she needs/wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ and yes, I’d give her at least $1000 for 3 days and that may kids.

Ridiculous. She is their child. She works for free.

And that's how you teach her to never do a favor for you again.

[Anonymous]

11 year old would lose his devices for a month in my house.

[Anonymous]

He usually does listen to our daughter and knew what expectations were, he did fine last time we left for five days. Another problem is that since he’d spend longer on devices, he wouldn’t get up and get ready for school on time, affecting them. Our daughter took the devices away by the end so when we came back, at 3pm on day four, things were better. She wouldn’t let him get on the electronics, and he would constantly ask her about it.