How do I get over guilt and second-guessing myself about moving mom to memory care
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Anonymous
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I don't think I'll stop second-guessing the move, unless mom becomes happy with memory care. Right now she goes between being enraged at being in memory care and doing (I hope) relatively ok.
Are there any stories about parents adjusting to MC? Or getting over the guilt? Think mom definitely needs...but with her being so angry, I wonder if it's the best choice or too early to make this move. Mom's short term memory is horrid, she had trouble at home taking meds and eating, and essentially got kicked out of assisted living (they wanted to move her to memory care). |
Anonymous
| This is what’s best for her. Being enraged is a sign of dementia anyways, so prepare yourself it may only get worse, not better, even if it’s the better decision. Better than her accidentally leaving the stove on and burning down her house and her neighboring houses. |
Anonymous
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Ask 15 people who kept a loved one with cognitive decline at home if it was always smooth or happy and report back.
Just kidding, its bad no matter what you do. Memory care and assisted living have their issues, but the real problem is the disease. There almost certainly is no path that doesn't involve rage. So don't beat yourself about about this particular decision, because you weren't choosing between "bad" and "good," just shades of bad that can't be predicted and will change no matter what you do anyway. |
Anonymous
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My mom adjusted, and at a certain point it was clear that she felt much safer there than anywhere else. I still remember bringing her back after a long day at the ER and she was so happy to see her caregivers there. I could see her relax. That being said, she also had times when she hated it and wanted to leave and didn't understand why she was there. She also didn't know why we werent all living together--her, my dad (who she divorced in 1994!), and my brother. THis is the nature of the cruel disease--what they feel and think really does not have bearing on their reality, so you have to make the decisions for them.
I also think that the memory care physician tried a few different mood medications before finding the right one that helped her anxiety without drugging her out. You may wish to inquire. As long as she is getting good care, you are doing the best you can. If assisted living said she was ready, then she was ready and safer there than anywhere else. |
Anonymous
| As an RN who has worked in memory care, chances are she' adjusting pretty well, it's a lot like daycare when your pippies would cry when you'd drop them off and then cry when they had to go home |
Anonymous
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Advocate for her, meds can alleviate the rage. Visit frequently and pay close attention. We forget that people with dementia are still people, and their environment still impacts them but they are less and less able to communicate their needs. Educate yourself about QOL focused care. I’ll give you an article to get started (scroll to Later Interventions).
Placing a loved one in Memory Care is often a difficult and painful decision. You are dealing with the inherent pain of the long goodbye, and your LO may be especially hard on you at thus time. Don’t feel guilt, that is just torturing yourself. You did the right thing and your mom needs you to take care of yourself and her. Taking care of her will look and feel different, but it is still valuable and important. |
Anonymous
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https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/04/continuing-education-patients-dementia-caregivers
And the link I forgot! |
Anonymous
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How long has she been there? It can take a month or more before they're really settled in.
My mother got moved from IL to AL and it was the right thing, but she still sometimes thinks she's going back to IL. She also thinks her parents are alive (she's in her 90s), so you can imagine how meds on her own were going. My dad had to move to AL and then skilled nursing/memory care, and he was both cooperative and sure he didn't need to be there for more than a year. |
Anonymous
Mine was enraged at home. That was how she aged. She raged at all sorts of people and was often noncompliant with meds. For my inlaw the good thing about Memory care is it's easier to have medication compliance. Once the rage is managed and they can relax, it gets better. FIL was the star of the sing-a-longs and was busy with activities when we visited. he appreciated these strangers coming to see him, but he also still thought he was working so between activities and needing to get to the office he only had so much time for us. it was cute. |
Anonymous
| My mom went from IL to AL and now memory care. She has never really fully adjusted. Her rage/outbursts is now controlled by meds but she seems “heavily medicated”. It was either medicate her or hire a private duty nurse at $35/hr x 60 hours a week on top of the cost of memory care. |
Anonymous
You would have still needed to medicate her with the private duty nurse, but she would not have to comply. It would have been a revolving door of caregivers. You did the right thing. Sadly some elders need to seem "heavily medicated" to refrain from aggression. When my mom ends up the hospital, they have to use chemical restraints because no doctor will work with her and the staff avoid her. |
Anonymous
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Nobody wants to go to memory care. But you have to remember you are doing what you feel is best for everyone at this time. It is not what anyone wants, but it is what is best. I also think that anger can be an aspect of dementia, in that she may be angry anywhere she is. If you moved her in with you, she could still be angry. So, it is necessary that she is angry that she is in memory care, but angry that her brain is not working the way it should.
Luckily, my dad thought he was staying at a hotel, so he never fully understood that he was in memory care. But, I know it wasn't what he wanted, but it was what I needed. I had two high schoolers at home and working full-time, I could not manage round the clock care for him. So, I made peace with doing what was best at the time for everyone. |
Anonymous
You should research her facility. Most dementia patients do not need to live that way. Dementia care has come a long way but some facilities are still treating patients as they did decades ago https://www.alz.org/getmedia/51c0902c-d7ae-4ddb-8374-129c137bed06/dementia-care-the-fundamentals-of-person-centered-care-for-individuals-with-dementia-2018.pdf https://www.alz.org/getmedia/eb083607-0991-4565-8919-1ac0c8a6b899/dementia-care-evidence-based-nonpharmacological-practices-to-address-behavioral-and-psychological-symptoms-of-dementia-2018.pdf More here: https://www.alz.org/professionals/professional-providers/dementia_care_practice_recommendations#Recommendations |
Anonymous
In theory, it has come a long way. In practice, not so much. My mother has now been at 3 memory care facilities. Each are staffed by foreign born and educated nursing staff and nursing aides and med techs who have HS diplomas (if lucky). These folks are not reading medical research or implementing the “latest and greatest.” They are just trying to make it through the day and go home. My mother has both aggression and gets out of bed in the middle of the night and falls each time. Medication is the only viable means for controlling both. |
Anonymous
I encourage everyone to search out facilities that are implementing Personal Centered Care. Patients, Staff, and families are all much happier and more satisfied. This isn’t brand new information by any stretch and many facilities have been implementing it for years. Don’t settle for barbaric treatment of your LO with dementia. |