Constantly contradicting me

[Anonymous]

Is this just simple contempt or something more?

Why does my DH constantly dismiss me? If I say I think something needs to be done, he contradicts me every single time.

I am not someone who spouts off and demands things or asserts things I know nothing about. So if for instance, I say “hey, this [house issue] should be fixed because it’s dangerous. I don’t feel comfortable doing it so I can look into hiring somebody.” He downplays it. He makes me feel so insane that last night I googled whether this thing was dangerous and every single result was “YES, FIX IMMEDIATELY.”

If I say “hey, would you mind packing [thing SN kid needs] while I get ready?” He’ll say we don’t need to bring it. So he sits there on his phone while I either take care of the thing I asked him nicely to do, or we leave without it and the outing sucks because inevitably the kid needs this thing so we go home early. Every single effing time.

It would be one thing if he just didn’t care, but he simply seems to just not believe me when I tell him something about the world or our kids or whatever. He’s smart in many ways, but it’s like he thinks I’m stupid. Which I have no insecurities about because I did very well in school and I happen to know my IQ.

I don’t henpeck him, I praise him, I am kind. It almost just smacks as your run-of-the-mill misogyny where men think they are the rational, intelligent ones and woman are to be dismissed.

I’m at my wits end. Anyone else deal with this?

[Anonymous]

I wanted to add, that I thought marriage was a partnership. I want to be on the same team. But how can I when my partner doesn’t trust my judgment? When he takes a contradictory opinion every single time even when it’s something he knows NOTHING about?

It’s so exhausting to constantly have to make my case for every single thing, large and small.

[Anonymous]

Has he always been like this?

[Anonymous]

I would just do more stuff without asking his opinion. Just hire the handyman.

On the kid stuff, you have to decide if it is bad enough to divorce. Truthfully, I have a kid with profound SN. Like, she is a teenager and we have to change diapers, feed her, etc. If we weren’t equal partners on this, we likely would have divorced. It has to be a huge part of why divorce is so high with profound SN. But, I would likely not to divorce over my other kid that has mild inattentive ADHD. As she gets older, she can figure out how to get her needs met on her own. Only you can decide.

If I truly thought my husband thought I was stupid, I would be losing my mind. I’m totally confident I how smart I am as well, but I would find this super disrespectful. And would objectively mean he is a moron since it is pretty objectively clear that I'm smart — not about every topic, but a whole lot of them.

[Anonymous]

I have to tell you, i wouldn't deal with this well. He doesn't respect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he always been like this?

I don’t think so.

We are in midlife. We don’t have a lot of emotional connection. I know that has bothered me much more than him, but we’re working on it.

I have to say, I have been trying to replay the tapes from our first years, trying to see if it was there. I don’t think so. He was a breath of fresh air compared to some of my boyfriends. No passive aggression, no games. So I really don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[house issue]

What was it?

[Anonymous]

OP I could have wrote this myself. I feel for you girl. I spent a very long time trying to figure out HIS issues and why he does this. This is jerk behavior could be a narcissist you could try and label it, but anyway it doesn't matter if you're not ok with it you need to set a boundary. My DH would literally make fake reasons up to dispute me, didn't ever look things up. Had no information on the subjects but new best! Anyway I was ready to leave and told him why and then finally he started working on himself. I don't know if it's going to last, I'm not holding my breath but I will not tolerate being second in my marriage. Not being heard. So I think you start by talking to him directly about this, calling him out on it and telling him that you're a partner and you're not being heard or respected. Stand up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to tell you, i wouldn't deal with this well. He doesn't respect you.

Yeah, that’s what I’m coming to grips with.

FWIW, I think he may be on the spectrum. I’m not using this to dismiss or judge or whatever, I am not neurotypical myself… hence the SN kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[house issue]

What was it?

Don’t want to out myself. Sorry!

But also, hilariously, this smacks of my entire life. Like I have to explain, explain, give evidence ad nauseam in order to be believed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just do more stuff without asking his opinion. Just hire the handyman.

On the kid stuff, you have to decide if it is bad enough to divorce. Truthfully, I have a kid with profound SN. Like, she is a teenager and we have to change diapers, feed her, etc. If we weren’t equal partners on this, we likely would have divorced. It has to be a huge part of why divorce is so high with profound SN. But, I would likely not to divorce over my other kid that has mild inattentive ADHD. As she gets older, she can figure out how to get her needs met on her own. Only you can decide.

If I truly thought my husband thought I was stupid, I would be losing my mind. I’m totally confident I how smart I am as well, but I would find this super disrespectful. And would objectively mean he is a moron since it is pretty objectively clear that I'm smart — not about every topic, but a whole lot of them.

Sadly, I realize I’ve started disconnecting more because it’s easier.

Until recently, I’ve been reticent to use the language that we are raising a SN kid because our needs are nowhere near the level of yours. For my own mental health, I have to acknowledge that constant vigilance of my kid’s emotional state, the consequences for their sibling, constantly changing or opting out of plans, managing every single interaction, etc. for my neurodivergent kid is still draining for me — a highly emotional and empathetic person.

It’s weird because when he does this, I think to myself “I thought he was smart so why is he being so incredibly stupid?”

Any men on here have any insight?

[Anonymous]

How would he react if you hired the electrician or whomever to handle the task? If he gets angry, have a list prepared of all the items he has previously vetoed. He sounds very argumentative and I would find that difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would he react if you hired the electrician or whomever to handle the task? If he gets angry, have a list prepared of all the items he has previously vetoed. He sounds very argumentative and I would find that difficult.

I don’t know. Maybe part of the problem is he makes far more than I do and I want us to be a team in spending, decision-making, etc. so I probably have internalized misogyny myself in that I “ask permission”. Something I need to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just do more stuff without asking his opinion. Just hire the handyman.

On the kid stuff, you have to decide if it is bad enough to divorce. Truthfully, I have a kid with profound SN. Like, she is a teenager and we have to change diapers, feed her, etc. If we weren’t equal partners on this, we likely would have divorced. It has to be a huge part of why divorce is so high with profound SN. But, I would likely not to divorce over my other kid that has mild inattentive ADHD. As she gets older, she can figure out how to get her needs met on her own. Only you can decide.

If I truly thought my husband thought I was stupid, I would be losing my mind. I’m totally confident I how smart I am as well, but I would find this super disrespectful. And would objectively mean he is a moron since it is pretty objectively clear that I'm smart — not about every topic, but a whole lot of them.

Sadly, I realize I’ve started disconnecting more because it’s easier.

Until recently, I’ve been reticent to use the language that we are raising a SN kid because our needs are nowhere near the level of yours. For my own mental health, I have to acknowledge that constant vigilance of my kid’s emotional state, the consequences for their sibling, constantly changing or opting out of plans, managing every single interaction, etc. for my neurodivergent kid is still draining for me — a highly emotional and empathetic person.

It’s weird because when he does this, I think to myself “I thought he was smart so why is he being so incredibly stupid?”

Any men on here have any insight?

Wait, so you are completely reasonable, approach him with issues appropriately, and seek only good-faith partnership responses from him, and his responses are uniformly unreasonable for no apparent reason whatsoever?

Golly, beats me. Maybe explain the moron thing one more time. That might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just do more stuff without asking his opinion. Just hire the handyman.

On the kid stuff, you have to decide if it is bad enough to divorce. Truthfully, I have a kid with profound SN. Like, she is a teenager and we have to change diapers, feed her, etc. If we weren’t equal partners on this, we likely would have divorced. It has to be a huge part of why divorce is so high with profound SN. But, I would likely not to divorce over my other kid that has mild inattentive ADHD. As she gets older, she can figure out how to get her needs met on her own. Only you can decide.

If I truly thought my husband thought I was stupid, I would be losing my mind. I’m totally confident I how smart I am as well, but I would find this super disrespectful. And would objectively mean he is a moron since it is pretty objectively clear that I'm smart — not about every topic, but a whole lot of them.

Sadly, I realize I’ve started disconnecting more because it’s easier.

Until recently, I’ve been reticent to use the language that we are raising a SN kid because our needs are nowhere near the level of yours. For my own mental health, I have to acknowledge that constant vigilance of my kid’s emotional state, the consequences for their sibling, constantly changing or opting out of plans, managing every single interaction, etc. for my neurodivergent kid is still draining for me — a highly emotional and empathetic person.

It’s weird because when he does this, I think to myself “I thought he was smart so why is he being so incredibly stupid?”

Any men on here have any insight?

Wait, so you are completely reasonable, approach him with issues appropriately, and seek only good-faith partnership responses from him, and his responses are uniformly unreasonable for no apparent reason whatsoever?

Golly, beats me. Maybe explain the moron thing one more time. That might help.

Hey, I’m open to self introspection. If you suspect I must be doing something wrong, constructive criticism or insight is welcome.