If you had a positive tween/early teen experience

[Anonymous]

I’d love your thoughts or advice. I have a 12 year old son who is just starting to show a little surliness. He’s a good kid with a great heart but can be a little impulsive and sloppy with school work. His verbal skills for example way outshine his written skills and he does math well in his head but is terrible at writing out his steps. He has lots of friends and is pretty close to his family. Anyway, he’ll have to buckle down and take school and his behavior at school seriously but I also want to be ok with him learning as he goes. I was a type A perfectionist and am trying not to put the same weight on him….but it’s hard. Anyway anything concrete that you are glad you did as your kids started to leave childhood?

[Anonymous]

I don’t see a problem.

[Anonymous]

You seem to be equating a "positive" experience with academic success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d love your thoughts or advice. I have a 12 year old son who is just starting to show a little surliness. He’s a good kid with a great heart but can be a little impulsive and sloppy with school work. His verbal skills for example way outshine his written skills and he does math well in his head but is terrible at writing out his steps. He has lots of friends and is pretty close to his family. Anyway, he’ll have to buckle down and take school and his behavior at school seriously but I also want to be ok with him learning as he goes. I was a type A perfectionist and am trying not to put the same weight on him….but it’s hard. Anyway anything concrete that you are glad you did as your kids started to leave childhood?

Accept my boys for who they are. Don't borrow trouble. Your kid sounds totally normal.

[Anonymous]

I’ve found that being a welcoming presence for their friends is key to being close with your teenagers.

[Anonymous]

I never had any issues with my son. He is now almost 16. He is less mature than I was at his age. He’s not very academic. But we are very close, he tells me a lot. I tell him why I care about the things I do and what I hope for him. I tell him what I believe he should strive for. The rest is up to him.

[Anonymous]

Are you mostly asking about academics? I can’t really tell.

If so, my main advice would be to follow grades/schoolwork closely at this age (in the parent app). Not necessarily because you are expecting straight A’s- more to monitor any missing assignments, organizational skills, and the “why” of a low grade on something. A lot of kids this age still need that follow up, and better to set your standards now (before high school) when the stakes are lower.

Other than that, I found the middle school years “tough at times but overall ok” for both of my sons (I have two teen DS in high school). The middle school years have a lot of challenges for most parents and kids- tough age.

[Anonymous]

I’ll second a pp: don’t borrow trouble!

And also don’t gloat to yourself or to your kid abt troubles other people are having, even in an @empathetic” way.

the teen years are long and hard and a nice, confiding14 year old can easily turn into a frustrating, secretive, 17 year old knucklehead.

it will be easier for both you and your son to move on if you haven’t been too unkind about teenage nonsense beforehand.

[Anonymous]

I was coming on here to post that I had a really great friend group, all different types of kids, and parents that weren’t overly strict. We got in some trouble from time to time but I don’t ever remember long periods of time of strict groundings or anything. We moved on.

But this seems all about academics. No, they weren’t on me to get all As. I didn’t have that kind of pressure. I did miss an occasional assignment or bomb a test here and there. They likely didn’t know right away since this was before online grades.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had a fair amount of success by treating my teen boys like ‘adults’ and respecting their agency (‘adults in quotes because that’s not quite it but I can’t figure out a better way to say it). So in your example, I would not lecture about grades but instead start having conversations in the car about what’s at stake in high school, asking about what path they think might be best for themselves, asking what they think they might need help with to get there and how I can help set them up for success - then listen. My kids do pretty well in school, but we still have had the conversation “is a 4 year college what you want? Is a highly competitive college? Or vocational program? Okay, this is the path that I think could get you there…” I think the key is that they feel empowered by having the choice, and that you are listening to them - but also that you’re watching, and there to remind them about what they chose and what will help them get there. Clearly there are some lines that you need to hold firm on, but things go much smoother when you’re on the same team and are acting more as a mentor than dictator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you mostly asking about academics? I can’t really tell.

If so, my main advice would be to follow grades/schoolwork closely at this age (in the parent app). Not necessarily because you are expecting straight A’s- more to monitor any missing assignments, organizational skills, and the “why” of a low grade on something. A lot of kids this age still need that follow up, and better to set your standards now (before high school) when the stakes are lower.

Other than that, I found the middle school years “tough at times but overall ok” for both of my sons (I have two teen DS in high school). The middle school years have a lot of challenges for most parents and kids- tough age.

NP. I have a girl, but I was going to say follow the grades less! Yes, there will be some blips, but that's how they learn. In 7th grade I was like why is this missing or that grade so low and then I was adding pressure and stressing her out. Also sometimes there was just too much work so if I said retake every test, it would compromise learning the new material.

We decided a grade below which she would always retake. I think I've looked in the grade book once in 8th grade. I also pass along messages that teachers directly send me about missing work. Her grades are not perfect, but also most of them don't count for high school yet and she cares about them.

I had almost perfect grades but horrible executive function (could only do work at the last minute once it was urgent) and non-existent internal motivation (in retrospect my mom has none at all and does everything based on what other people think), aka no life skills. The perfect grades were my identity that "had to" be maintained because it was my only sense of self.

The hard part was my grades and scores and behavior at school were so good and school so relatively easy even doing everything last minute that no one believed I was struggling to do the work or didn't understand literature or physics. Also when I did get one grade I thought was unfair because the expectations hasn't been spelled out, my mom contacted the teacher to fix it. There was never a thought of me fixing it. Yes, she was probably right I wouldn't have talked to the teacher, but I desperately wanted that ownership and boundaries that meant my responsibilities fell on me even if I didn't know how to articulate it at the time.

For me this is SO much bigger than grades, to the point that I'm almost indifferent to grades, but how I approach school is key to our relationship. I don't want to put my anxiety on my kid, and grades is an easy place to practice that. My kid is much happier and more successful when I'm focusing less on grades. It also seems to me she has developed more personalized strategies and advocates for herself more than her peers. And she has her own values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you mostly asking about academics? I can’t really tell.

If so, my main advice would be to follow grades/schoolwork closely at this age (in the parent app). Not necessarily because you are expecting straight A’s- more to monitor any missing assignments, organizational skills, and the “why” of a low grade on something. A lot of kids this age still need that follow up, and better to set your standards now (before high school) when the stakes are lower.

Other than that, I found the middle school years “tough at times but overall ok” for both of my sons (I have two teen DS in high school). The middle school years have a lot of challenges for most parents and kids- tough age.

NP. I have a girl, but I was going to say follow the grades less! Yes, there will be some blips, but that's how they learn. In 7th grade I was like why is this missing or that grade so low and then I was adding pressure and stressing her out. Also sometimes there was just too much work so if I said retake every test, it would compromise learning the new material.

We decided a grade below which she would always retake. I think I've looked in the grade book once in 8th grade. I also pass along messages that teachers directly send me about missing work. Her grades are not perfect, but also most of them don't count for high school yet and she cares about them.

I had almost perfect grades but horrible executive function (could only do work at the last minute once it was urgent) and non-existent internal motivation (in retrospect my mom has none at all and does everything based on what other people think), aka no life skills. The perfect grades were my identity that "had to" be maintained because it was my only sense of self.

The hard part was my grades and scores and behavior at school were so good and school so relatively easy even doing everything last minute that no one believed I was struggling to do the work or didn't understand literature or physics. Also when I did get one grade I thought was unfair because the expectations hasn't been spelled out, my mom contacted the teacher to fix it. There was never a thought of me fixing it. Yes, she was probably right I wouldn't have talked to the teacher, but I desperately wanted that ownership and boundaries that meant my responsibilities fell on me even if I didn't know how to articulate it at the time.

For me this is SO much bigger than grades, to the point that I'm almost indifferent to grades, but how I approach school is key to our relationship. I don't want to put my anxiety on my kid, and grades is an easy place to practice that. My kid is much happier and more successful when I'm focusing less on grades. It also seems to me she has developed more personalized strategies and advocates for herself more than her peers. And she has her own values.

PP. Meant to say this describes my daughter and also happens to be the opposite of me, especially in school: "verbal skills for example way outshine his written skills and he does math well in his head but is terrible at writing out his steps." It helps to keep in mind that regardless of what I do, my child's school career and eventual career-career will look different from mine because we have different strengths weaknesses, not to mention interests and personalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be equating a "positive" experience with academic success.

I'm of course bringing my own history into this.... However, I see OP as desperately trying not to equate the two. I suspect it's the only frame of reference she has from her own teeange life, and she thinks it's too narrow which is why she's asking.

[Anonymous]

So what’s the issue?
Let your child be.. Stop reaching for issues.

[Anonymous]

Establish good study habits (quiet room, no phone, etc). Learning how to check their work (school and home) is a skill set. Do you ever check your child’s homework?