Should I tell her I’m agnostic?

[Anonymous]

I am, I believe, a “cultural Catholic”. I no longer practice and consider myself agnostic, but I have very fond memories of growing up Catholic. I think back fondly of attending Saturday vigil with my mother, have foundational memories and identity from Catholic school, and have fun memories from church youth group.

Much to my loudly atheist MIL’s dismay, I did have our first child baptized. I had a desire to build the same foundation and memories for my child, and for a while we did, but then I became disillusioned with the church and stopped going. I still hope to return one day, maybe.

My MIL is very judgmental, often criticizes me to our kids (“but I know your mom is *religious*” said in a condescending tone). I’ve never confronted her because at first I didn’t want to feed into it and let her know it bothered me, but also, when I stopped believing, I thought it was funny that she was still so triggered by something that wasn’t even a thing! It felt like a secret running joke. (I have never told her I’m no longer practicing and consider myself agnostic.)

But I’m sort of tired of this game. Is there a way to explain my stance to her, to let her know she can lay off without thinking she’s won somehow?

[Anonymous]

She won't lay off. Information given to her can only be used against you.

[Anonymous]

What are you hoping to get out of telling her? What is your objective?

Once you answer those questions, determine your boundaries, and then tell your MIL what they are.

Ask that she respect them. If she doesn't, that is another conversation of what to do next.

[Anonymous]

"Thank you for your opinion."

That's it. Just leave it at that. Any argument you make she will come back against. Just acknowledge that you heard her and don't give her fodder for more.

If you really want to push back, it's your DH's role, not yours. He can tell her that you are raising your children the way you decide, together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am, I believe, a “cultural Catholic”. I no longer practice and consider myself agnostic, but I have very fond memories of growing up Catholic. I think back fondly of attending Saturday vigil with my mother, have foundational memories and identity from Catholic school, and have fun memories from church youth group.

Much to my loudly atheist MIL’s dismay, I did have our first child baptized. I had a desire to build the same foundation and memories for my child, and for a while we did, but then I became disillusioned with the church and stopped going. I still hope to return one day, maybe.

My MIL is very judgmental, often criticizes me to our kids (“but I know your mom is *religious*” said in a condescending tone). I’ve never confronted her because at first I didn’t want to feed into it and let her know it bothered me, but also, when I stopped believing, I thought it was funny that she was still so triggered by something that wasn’t even a thing! It felt like a secret running joke. (I have never told her I’m no longer practicing and consider myself agnostic.)

But I’m sort of tired of this game. Is there a way to explain my stance to her, to let her know she can lay off without thinking she’s won somehow?

How about just telling her that you don't believe anymore and that you don't want to talk about it -- that you want her to know, but you don't want to discuss it with her. Then don't discuss it with her.

[Anonymous]

Just own it and tell her. How is acknowledgement of your agnosticism a "victory" for her in this scenario?

[Anonymous]

I am a cultural Catholic (French flavor) with even fewer ties to the Church. My husband is staunchly atheist and refused to have a religious wedding or baptize the kids. Fine. Your way is also fine.

I think you should be overtly Catholic whenever your MIL is around, just for kicks. Cross yourself often. Tell her you lit a votive and prayed for the welfare of her soul. Mention it's her special day if she has a saint's name and it's that saint's day. Your kids will be in on the joke and be highly amused.

[Anonymous]

I'd be tempted to hang crucifixes all over the house and act more religious just to mess with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am, I believe, a “cultural Catholic”. I no longer practice and consider myself agnostic, but I have very fond memories of growing up Catholic. I think back fondly of attending Saturday vigil with my mother, have foundational memories and identity from Catholic school, and have fun memories from church youth group.

Much to my loudly atheist MIL’s dismay, I did have our first child baptized. I had a desire to build the same foundation and memories for my child, and for a while we did, but then I became disillusioned with the church and stopped going. I still hope to return one day, maybe.

My MIL is very judgmental, often criticizes me to our kids (“but I know your mom is *religious*” said in a condescending tone). I’ve never confronted her because at first I didn’t want to feed into it and let her know it bothered me, but also, when I stopped believing, I thought it was funny that she was still so triggered by something that wasn’t even a thing! It felt like a secret running joke. (I have never told her I’m no longer practicing and consider myself agnostic.)

But I’m sort of tired of this game. Is there a way to explain my stance to her, to let her know she can lay off without thinking she’s won somehow?

How about just telling her that you don't believe anymore and that you don't want to talk about it -- that you want her to know, but you don't want to discuss it with her. Then don't discuss it with her.

More from the pp directly above. I'm a cultural Catholic too. There's lots I love about the church (music, smells, bells, candles, cathedrals, stained class windows) and I don't believe in god anymore at all. My mother-in-law lives and will die an atheist (attending a quaker church, giving her body to science) and helped guide my reading to some extent when my beliefs were changing. I have a good mother-in-law. You do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She won't lay off. Information given to her can only be used against you.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She won't lay off. Information given to her can only be used against you.

+2 Also, you should end the running joke in your head. Also, I don't know what you were disillusioned with but there are many ex-Catholics in Episcopal and Lutheran churches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She won't lay off. Information given to her can only be used against you.

+2 Also, you should end the running joke in your head. Also, I don't know what you were disillusioned with but there are many ex-Catholics in Episcopal and Lutheran churches.

I'm a former Catholic who went to an Episcopal Church for a while, before giving up religion entirely. If OP is not religious, an Episcopalian Church won't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a cultural Catholic (French flavor) with even fewer ties to the Church. My husband is staunchly atheist and refused to have a religious wedding or baptize the kids. Fine. Your way is also fine.

I think you should be overtly Catholic whenever your MIL is around, just for kicks. Cross yourself often. Tell her you lit a votive and prayed for the welfare of her soul. Mention it's her special day if she has a saint's name and it's that saint's day. Your kids will be in on the joke and be highly amused.

You sound fun! I'm the same as OP.
Stop by the church and pick up a bulletin and whatever they might be selling - candles, rosaries, statues to place around the house. But be kind of stealthy and let her discover them.

[Anonymous]

To your question, your MIL will simply find something else to antagonize you and criticize you. She either doesn’t like you or enjoys being a PITA to you, no point trying to figure it out.

Just try out the WASP response, cold civility, gray rock, and be above her. DH’s extended family are a mix of what you call cultural Catholics and actual Catholics, they are the biggest bunch of loud, dramatic manipulative, reactive and boundary crossing people you’ll ever meet. WASPs judge quietly, Catholics judge loudly.

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn't tell her because that would give her a little too much pleasure. And she might think she influenced me in some way. I am also a petty b**** so there is that.