How do I move forward?

[Anonymous]

Context, I have a complicated relationship with my parents. I don't talk to my sibling anymore but I really want to keep some semblance of a relationship with my parents and so that they can see their grandchildren vice versa. In 2021 my parents moved to be about 45 minutes from us and they live down the street from my sibling. I try to see them for each birthday and holiday which ends up being about once a month. My Dad has Parkinson's but is stable and on medication. He is declining slowly. They are both late 70's.

This past weekend, my parents were supposed to come see us for my DD birthday. I offered us to visit them but they insisted they like taking the ride. They were supposed to be here at 11:00am. At 11:00am I get a text saying "just leaving". 45 minutes pass and they're still not here. I'm getting nervous but don't want to call because it can startle them sometimes in the car. Finally at 12:15pm their car gets here. Everyone is excited. When I open the door, it's only my Mom. I get super scared that something happened to my Dad and exclaimed "where's Dad, is everything ok?!". She gets super mad at me and goes "what about me? How about good to see you Mom?". And I was like well of course it's good to see you but is everything ok with Dad? Turns out she had to take him to urgent care in the morning for a bad case of bronchitis and he needed to stay home. She was complaining about this and I said "if you would have let me know, I would have come with you or taken him".

We proceed to have a visit. She brought me all the things in her house that she doesn't want of me anymore: pictures of me she used to hang on the wall, momentos, etc. We have cupcakes for my DD birthday and she leaves abruptly. I asked her to text/call me when she got home to make sure she was okay. She said she would but she never did. So, I started texting her and calling. No response. Multiple calls to both my Mom and Dad, multiple texts, no response. Finally this morning she texts back "ok" to my last text that said "can you let me know you're ok". 2 minutes after she texted I tried calling. I texted asking why she won't talk to me and she hasn't responded.

This is not the first time she has screened my phone calls or done something in this way to me but I'm exhausted and don't know how to move forward or fix it. She blames me for my Dad's health because I don't talk to my brother - which has no correlation, I haven't talked to my brother for almost 5 years. I want to keep this relationship but it makes me so sad and I have so much anxiety about it.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

What I would do? I would research narcissistic and abusive parents. Your mother blaming you for someone else’s medical issues, because you no longer speak to them, is toxic and manipulative and textbook. Also the other things you mention, but this stands out like a sore thumb.

[Anonymous]

Detach. My mom is like this. I see her less, have rock solid boundaries and keep conversations polite and distant. I do not expect any mature behavior from her and I do not engage with her demons. After many tantrums, insults and more blaming she finally accepted this is all I will give her.

[Anonymous]

OP here - update. I got through to her.

She just screamed at me and told me what a terrible person I am. And that I don't do anything for them and I wasn't kind to her because I didn't offer her lunch as soon as she walked in the door (even though I did make lunch later for her). She's screaming and crying telling me that I've done "this" to her and then told me all the things over my life that I did that she hates me for. She told me I'm making her life worse and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - update. I got through to her.

She just screamed at me and told me what a terrible person I am. And that I don't do anything for them and I wasn't kind to her because I didn't offer her lunch as soon as she walked in the door (even though I did make lunch later for her). She's screaming and crying telling me that I've done "this" to her and then told me all the things over my life that I did that she hates me for. She told me I'm making her life worse and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Take her at her word and take a break from her. Nobody should be screamed at. You drop the rope and if she comes back at you, tell her you are honoring her wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - update. I got through to her.

She just screamed at me and told me what a terrible person I am. And that I don't do anything for them and I wasn't kind to her because I didn't offer her lunch as soon as she walked in the door (even though I did make lunch later for her). She's screaming and crying telling me that I've done "this" to her and then told me all the things over my life that I did that she hates me for. She told me I'm making her life worse and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

I’m the first PP to respond. I recommend you do some research. I recommend Jerry Wise on YouTube. Look up his videos on trauma bonding. You will never change your mother. The only thing you can do is choose how you interact with her. But first, you need to accept that you are trauma bonded to your mother. I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - update. I got through to her.

She just screamed at me and told me what a terrible person I am. And that I don't do anything for them and I wasn't kind to her because I didn't offer her lunch as soon as she walked in the door (even though I did make lunch later for her). She's screaming and crying telling me that I've done "this" to her and then told me all the things over my life that I did that she hates me for. She told me I'm making her life worse and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Take her at her word and take a break from her. Nobody should be screamed at. You drop the rope and if she comes back at you, tell her you are honoring her wishes.

+1

[Anonymous]

Do you think her reaction is somehow related to your brother? Is he talking trash about you.

[Anonymous]

If they are late 70s, strap in. 80s+ will only get worse. They are in mental and physical decline. Tney likely can not control their outbursts anymore. A therapist could help you with some strategies to deal. You may only need a few sessions.

[Anonymous]

Being old and taking your spouse to the ER is traumatic. It leaves residual stress.
That can make people "more so."

Drop rope but stop asking whhhhyhyyy whaaat and letting them live in your head. Doesn't sound like seeing grandkids is all that important to her compared to spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think her reaction is somehow related to your brother? Is he talking trash about you.

OP here, I think she wants me to talk to my brother and I think she believes this is what will make me do it if she makes me feel guilty enough. I used to run back to her and 'apologize' when she would get so mad at me so that everything could be ok. But my brother has treated me like trash my whole life. Then during COVID, he purposely put us in a precarious situation that he knew we would be upset with because my DD who was 5 months at the time just got out of the hospital for an emergency overnight situation. This was just the straw after years of issues with him.

[Anonymous]

I would be thrilled if my difficult mom told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Take the win.

[Anonymous]

If you want some peace, I suggest you read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson. It's a great book and should help you understand why your parents are the way they are.

Good luck, OP. No one deserves to be treated poorly, least of all by their parents. You are NOT the problem here. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be thrilled if my difficult mom told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Take the win.

This!!! Let her do her silent treatment! Enjoy your peace and quiet!

[Anonymous]

Your update suggests that your mom has always been controlling. I would give her some space, mainly due to her abusive remarks. I would not discuss your brother with her ever. You 2 are adults and she needs to stay out of it.