Reply to 11 year old daughter’s behavior escalating at home

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My daughter who turned 11 in Dec is thriving at school — teachers really like her, she’s shy and quiet but kind, has a close-knit group of friends, plays a sport she good at and likes, and gets good grades. There are no behavioral issues and no complaints from teachers. She’s also honestly perfect around extended family and family friends — polite, helpful, calm. Academically and socially, there are no concerns outside the home. Cognitively she seems mature for her age — smart, articulate, can entertain herself, and generally does her chores.

At home, though, her behavior feels very intense. She cries easily, hits when upset, and has a very hard time when things don’t go the way she expects. If she has something in her head about how something should go and it doesn’t happen that way, it spirals quickly. We went to a winter fair around Christmastime and she went on many rides, but because she didn’t go on every single one, she had a full meltdown when it was time to leave — crying and refusing to go.

If we’re choosing a restaurant, she fixates on one place and won’t compromise. If she wants a specific shirt or shoes and can’t find them, she’ll cry, scream, and sometimes hit. If dinner is different than what she expected, she refuses to eat. When she’s mad, it can escalate to slamming doors or throwing whatever is nearby. The reactions often feel much bigger than the situation.

Birthdays and big events often end the same way — even if she’s had a great time, once everything winds down she’ll complain something wasn’t right and end up crying.

She’s sweet in that she isn’t focused on trends or appearances — she’ll wear whatever I buy and doesn’t care much about how she looks. I’ll sometimes try to curl her hair for school and she refuses because she says she doesn’t care. At the same time, she resists doing certain basic things independently, like fully rinsing her hair, using a hairbrush properly, or picking out an outfit on her own.

We’ve tried consequences and different approaches, but nothing seems to change. What should we do next?[/quote]

Hmmm who is she hitting? Kids are supposed to learn that getting hit back is reflexive [/quote]

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