“I raised you to do the right thing”

[Anonymous]

Does this statement actually hold weight and matter? At what age? Where is the line for when every person is responsible for having their own mind, thoughts, and behavior?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't "hold weight" based on age, it holds weight based on the parent who is speaking and what they are speaking about.

I remember my mother literally foaming at the mouth screaming at my sib and I that "You weren't raised like this!!!" when we were both voting for Obama. She literally started crying and ran out of a restaurant in a rage. It was pure racism. So yeah, with her? It never held any weight.

[Anonymous]

The right thing can be very subjective!

[Anonymous]

Agree it's totally subjective.

Example of a situation where it didn't work and I think actually backfired:

My FIL used to say this to my DH when we'd visit, in order to try and twist his arm into (1) staying longer than we'd originally planned, or (2) spending more time with DH's brother, who is a deeply problematic person. It caused DH a lot of stress for his dad to try and coerce him in this way, and in neither case was what my FIL wanted the "right thing" for DH. What was he going to do, call his office and say "Oh I can't come back to work on Monday, my dad is mad and thinks we should extend our visit"? Regarding his brother, the reason DH didn't spend more time with him was because he is abusive and prone to flying into rages with any provocation. FIL was just trying to control DH, and was using paternal pressure to do it.

I could imagine a situation where a child is struggling with a decision and CHOOSES to consult their parent, whose moral authority they respect, and the parent says something like this to help guide them. But it would only work if the child was asking for their moral opinion and if the parent had shown the child that they walked the walk in terms of making moral and ethical choices (even when it might be hard).

[Anonymous]

The flip side of PP’s stories is situations where the parents raised the children to do things (or not do things) that most people consider right, but the adult child does something different (eg, treating people poorly, abusing drugs, etc.). Adults make their own decisions, and I wouldn’t blame the parents in those situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The right thing can be very subjective!

Rape, murder, theft, setting fires, assault are wrong. Not subjective at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this statement actually hold weight and matter? At what age? Where is the line for when every person is responsible for having their own mind, thoughts, and behavior?

Nothing to do with that.

It implies you didn’t do the moral or ethical thing. Societal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this statement actually hold weight and matter? At what age? Where is the line for when every person is responsible for having their own mind, thoughts, and behavior?

Yes everyone, except a very young child, is indeed responsible for their own behaviors.

[Anonymous]

I’d say around 7 or 8.
We have one kid and have taught her to treat others with kindness, be helpful etc. I wouldn’t use the exact words you use but when we’ve seen her friends be jerks I’ll say “ we don’t roll like that in our house” ( to DD, not the friend) or words to that effect. To reinforce the expectation tbat we expect her to treat others as we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The right thing can be very subjective!

Rape, murder, theft, setting fires, assault are wrong. Not subjective at all.

Yeah, but the “right thing” is subjective in families who aren’t dealing with murder and rape.

When I was growing up, my neighbor had a younger sister with Down’s syndrome. Her parents always said she was going to take care of her sister when they grew up. She would have panic attacks about it. Her parents were livid when she applied to college across the country and even angrier when she never came back. They kept saying “They raised her to do the right thing!” and said they had no idea what went wrong. We weren’t even that close but I remember her crying in the backyard a lot when we were kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this statement actually hold weight and matter? At what age? Where is the line for when every person is responsible for having their own mind, thoughts, and behavior?

No, it's centering the conversation on the whiner's delusion that is currently being proven false. It makes the child think the parent is nuts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The right thing can be very subjective!

Rape, murder, theft, setting fires, assault are wrong. Not subjective at all.

Yeah, but the “right thing” is subjective in families who aren’t dealing with murder and rape.

When I was growing up, my neighbor had a younger sister with Down’s syndrome. Her parents always said she was going to take care of her sister when they grew up. She would have panic attacks about it. Her parents were livid when she applied to college across the country and even angrier when she never came back. They kept saying “They raised her to do the right thing!” and said they had no idea what went wrong. We weren’t even that close but I remember her crying in the backyard a lot when we were kids.

PP here. That would be a very hard situation, and I do understand what you're saying. I work in the special education field and often hear challenging and heartbreaking family discussions. There are no easy answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The right thing can be very subjective!

Rape, murder, theft, setting fires, assault are wrong. Not subjective at all.

Yeah, but the “right thing” is subjective in families who aren’t dealing with murder and rape.

When I was growing up, my neighbor had a younger sister with Down’s syndrome. Her parents always said she was going to take care of her sister when they grew up. She would have panic attacks about it. Her parents were livid when she applied to college across the country and even angrier when she never came back. They kept saying “They raised her to do the right thing!” and said they had no idea what went wrong. We weren’t even that close but I remember her crying in the backyard a lot when we were kids.

They sure did raise her to "do the right thing." The right thing for them...

ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The right thing can be very subjective!

Rape, murder, theft, setting fires, assault are wrong. Not subjective at all.

Yeah, but the “right thing” is subjective in families who aren’t dealing with murder and rape.

When I was growing up, my neighbor had a younger sister with Down’s syndrome. Her parents always said she was going to take care of her sister when they grew up. She would have panic attacks about it. Her parents were livid when she applied to college across the country and even angrier when she never came back. They kept saying “They raised her to do the right thing!” and said they had no idea what went wrong. We weren’t even that close but I remember her crying in the backyard a lot when we were kids.

What a sh!t kid.

I watched love is blind UK and one of the men had a brother with downs that he loved and planned to help take care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does this statement actually hold weight and matter? At what age? Where is the line for when every person is responsible for having their own mind, thoughts, and behavior?

Yes everyone, except a very young child, is indeed responsible for their own behaviors.

This 100%. I don't know what age I'd put on it, but every child becomes a human making their own decisions that often have no relation to the parenting or home life they received.