Caregiver burnout - vent
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Caregiving for DD has been a 24/7 job for the past 3 years. DD had to be pulled from school when medical home & hospital ran out. I cut work to part time, remote and work weird hours to pay my mortgage. DH under functions and is depressed so I’m responsible for literally everything.
I’m maxed on meds and self care isn’t a priority when paying bills becomes a monthly scramble. I feel like if one more person “reminds” me to do something that feels non-essential I’m going to snap. I’m on meds. Therapy makes me feel worse - like I’m whining about first world problems and the only answer I get is to “breathe.” Ask family for help and the answer is “we’d love to help but we’re just so busy with…(insert sport/club/etc.)” ask professionals for help and you are either placed in the waiting list vortex or told you are a bad parent in fancy words via a form letter. I’ve come to the realization that no one is coming to the rescue and like everything else it’s on my shoulders. How do you deal? What happens if you just can’t anymore? |
Anonymous
|
Why did home and hospital end? What are your child’s needs.
Personally I’m not a fan of therapy unless there’s a specific issue or problem that you need to work out. And it doesn’t sound like you’re getting benefit from it. |
Anonymous
|
OP I am so sorry. Yes, it used to drive me bonkers when even my own therapist would do the whole-you need a ladies night out or a weekend getaway as though it's all so simple and will make it better.
I had to function in day to day hour to hour mode during certain phases. Anything good even a receptionist being kind or a stranger smiling I tried to really process and focus on and of course if something really good happened I really tried to live in that. I also try to remind myself of things like a really unusually kind teacher DC had and I remember back. I train my brain to go to the light when I get too lost in the dark. Our families are no support and if anything were angry we no longer had the patience for their dramatics. I was overwhelmed often by all I needed to do and had to break it into tiny tasks and try to feel good crossing even the smallest thing off my list. A lot of people seem to have it easier and they do, but I have found life changes so quickly and anyone can be thrown into a highly demanding caregiver sometimes just for a much shorter period and sometimes lifetime. I know now when I have phases where life is easier I savor things many people don't notice. Nature usually helps calm me except for one day I was losing and looked out my kitchen window to watch a fox savagely devour a bunny. Luckily most of my observance of nature is peaceful. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you are the caregiver of you DH in addition to being the caregiver of your child. |
Anonymous
Op here. Yes. And to two sets of aging parents. I’m having a bit of an identity crisis - yay midlife. It’s like I no longer exist for me,I’m just a robot serving others and forced to smile through it. It’s funny because in my work world all the talk is about AI replacing knowledge work. Even AI doesn’t want to do the crap caregiver job! |
Anonymous
| I think you need to write a list with priorities. You cannot cater to 4 adults. It is just not sustainable. See who needs what as a level 1 or 2, everything else falls through. Do not carry the world on your shoulders. |
Anonymous
What if you stop caregiving for your DH and both sets of parents? Talk to your therapist about how to do this. I am literally in therapy to learn how to be more selfish. Drop the rope on all the aging parents. DH's parents are his responsibility. End of story. Do you have siblings to help with your parents? If not, can you put them in assisted living? And can you leave on some weekends - just get away from your special needs child and yourself and do something for yourself? I found the only way to do something from myself is to create physical distance and turn off my devices. |
Anonymous
| You need to focus on getting kid back to school. nothing else will really help. Whatever is holding you back from doing that, address with your therapist. |
Anonymous
|
OP, hugs. I know that's not much, but I want to give you five minutes to take a deep breath or six, give you a hug, and let you scream or cry or just breathe in peace.
I agree with others that having to be responsible for yourself, a disabled child, and five adults is too much. And I also recognize that its hard to say "No, I am done managing you adults," especially when its your spouse and parents (and in-laws). Telling you "figure out what and who you can offload" isn't helpful because it's putting more on your plate short term, hoping for long-term gain--but that's only if you can successfully offload. This is just so so so hard and I want to give you a magic wand. Is your husband in therapy or otherwise seeking professional help for his depression? Can you drop the rope on DH? Not leave, not kick him out, but say "I can't do 24-7 care for a disabled kid and be your therapist/life coach/housekeeper/secretary/fill your parenting role with our child." (especially if he's refusing to address his depression) And then let him deal and figure it out. With both sets of parents (do you mean your parents and your in-laws, or are your parents divorced and remarried?), again, can you drop the rope? Based on what you said in your first post, it sounds like you have siblings that aren't facing the tremendous pressures you are. I doubt they'll step up and take care of parents if you ask them, but what if you just....stopped? Forced them to deal with it because you can't deal with it. Same with DH's parents if you are indeed caring for them as well. These won't be easy. People will be upset. But you need to take care of you, and people need to help you take care of you--and that means them taking care of themselves or taking care of aging parents. There might be screaming and tantrums and meltdowns and threats to disinherit and never see you again. Would all that be worth it, even if they followed through, to give yourself a little more breathing room and peace? Only you can decide that. But I will also say do you want people, who demand so much from you when you're the full time caregiver and still working part-time, in your life? They take, they don't support, let alone give. Addition by subtraction, perhaps. |
Anonymous
| When you can't do it anymore you stop. And everyone around you learns to deal with the new reality. I won't reiterate the good advice that PP gave you, but you need to drop the rope. Everyone but your child is an adult. They can (and will) figure out other support mechanisms than you. |
Anonymous
| OP what is happening with public school? That is the only thing that is set up to help you. |
Anonymous
Your question is about caregiver burnout but your real problem is that you are allowing the system to inappropriately foist its legal responsibility for your child's education onto you. Homeschooling is not realistic for a working parent. Ask family members to help you with money for a lawyer and/or educational advocate so that DD can get back in school. Also, is your DH seeing his own psychiatrist and therapist? Yes, it's mandatory if he is depressed. I left my exDH because he wouldn't see the psychiatrist and would stay on medication. It is unreasonable to expect a wife to function for the other parent. The kids don't have an intact family, but they do have a family where one parent is healthy. If I had stayed, I literally would have killed myself - either by my own hand or had a heart attack from the stress. You say he is underfunctioning, but it is OK to lower the bar somewhat. Eat on paper plates. Just focus on passing classes if that's where your child is. Do what is possible. It may not be what you imagined, but it is possible to get through and improve things in the future. Why did you say - "DD had to be pulled from school when medical home & hospital ran out". This is legally impossible. Home and Hospital can't "run out". You either qualify for it or you don't. Did your IEP team say that DD no longer qualified for home and hospital? If so, on what grounds? That is something you can appeal. If DD doesn't qualify for Home & Hospital any more, what did the IEP team (or 504 team) say about her placement? Are they saying that she should be back in school 100% of the time. Are you saying she can't be -- why not? If she cannot be in school any more, and she cannot be in H&H, then the public school system must provide a paid private placement. Do *not* pull her out of school - it is the school's job to figure out how to educate her. There are a lot of options - IEP if you think she needs special instruction, 504 plan if she doesn't need special instruction and just needs accommodations. Accommodations can be very unique - don't let the school tell you "we don't do that". Public school legally owes you and your child a Free and Appropriate Public Education. I've seen multiple kids with accommodations for depression or anxiety - like extra time, flexible deadlines, cut 1 or more periods from the day, flash pass to the nurse, excused from state testing, enroll in a period as a TA and use that period for medical appointments or when exhausted from the illness, medication given at school by nurse, etc. School teams can be a brat about it, but the law says that you must consider the unique needs of the child. Kids with depression can find good treatments and get through HS and college. Mine did. Consider taking NAMI Family to Family class and/or attending a NAMI support group. |
Anonymous
|
This. OP.
Your question is about caregiver burnout but your real problem is that you are allowing the system to inappropriately foist its legal responsibility for your child's education onto you. Put this responsibility back on the school system. It is the federal law. Then take care of you. Others will need to fend for themselves or reach out to other for professional help. As that saying goes, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Take care. BTDT. |