Formally very close friendship dying, do you say something or just move on?

[Anonymous]

I met a woman when our sons were both new to 9th grade. Our sons were best friends in high school are now freshmen at 2 different colleges.
They remain close friends but something has happened to the relationship I have with this woman.

We hit it off almost immediately when we met and she would text me all the time: to walk together, have lunch, dinner with our husbands, chats, random texts about mundane stuff. I hadn't been looking for a new friend but this relationship was easy and effortless. We talked about vacationing together, we shared some pretty serious stuff with each other. We had the type of friendship where we would meet for coffee and then end up spending the day together. If anything I was not the driver of the friendship--she was. We both had other friends outside of each other but neither of us are "friend collectors", meaning we don't have super wide circles and value quality over quantity. We reflected on several occasions on how lovely it was to have met each other (when we weren't looking and at a time of life--high school--when you don't expect to) and how we hoped to be close for a long time to come.

Well our sons graduated this year and things have been weird and distant ever since. I thought I imagined it at first (or assumed it was just logistics) but it's become very clear over the past 7-8 months. She doesn't reach out anymore and when I reach out it becomes a "one off" until I reach out again. There is no more back-and-forth exchange. As mentioned above, our boys remain friends. They saw each other over winter break, supported each through breakups with high school girlfriends, and also just hung out doing stupid fun stuff.

This week I saw the friend at a gathering and it was weird. She chatted a bit and said "i'd love to see you again in month or so after X or Y" and I said "oh yes, me too" and that was about it. Then things felt awkward and I said "are you ok?" and she said "yes" and I replied, 'Oh good!" and that was about it. It's been similar to this for the past few times I've seen her.

So my thoughts are:
-in her mind we were close friends for a season and she's moved on. Kind of weird to me because our kids remain friends and our friendship didn't really revolve around our status as fellow parents. We didn't see each other at school (our sons played different sports, etc).
-i misread the place of our friendship in her life all along.
-i did or said something offensive or hurtful that i can't recall (or maybe my son did?)
-as DCUM likes to say: "she's just not that into you"
-she's depressed or sick or...
-she has other hard things going on in life that i don't know about. Could be anything.

For the purpose of this post, let's not debate what is doing on here. It could be any of the above and they would all be valid. The point is that this very close friendship of 4 years is dying. It's fading off into the sunset of life. it bothers me so I guess I want to know what to do. Do I just let this fade away and count it as a brief interlude of close friendship or do I reach out and when I see her next say: "hey, Did i do something to offend you? I miss you and value our friendship and just wonder wanted to put this out there." I guess I want the best chance of rescuing things if that is a possibility. Maybe it's not good to lead with "did I offend you?" Maybe I just say "I really miss you."

Thoughts? Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

Maybe take some initiative and plan something

[Anonymous]

Distill down what you have written here and send her an email or a text. Give her a chance to tell you what's going on...if she doesn't, just slow fade and move on.

[Anonymous]

I feel like when it usually starts dying, it is the end. Unfortunately as you wrote out, it could be any of those things.

It is rare when this starts happening that you can change it, but I have had an instance of feeling distant and moving away from a friend, she realized it and really did make an effort to change our course, and we are still friends now.

It seems like maybe she has moved on because your sons are not living at home anymore. I am sorry, it hurts but when that happens I try to make room for new potential friendships and maintain the other ones I have.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you writing a heartfelt letter, or confronting her for that matter, will change anything. I would chalk it up to a season of life.

[Anonymous]

I am somehow in a similar situation and I am also not sure about what to do. Sometimes is just a season of life and friends get close again later, some other time is a slow goodbye.
For what is worth, I am trying to still send regularly invitations and short messages. Often there is no response or a ‘thank but no thank you’ and it stings.
Maybe is time to give the person some space. I still have hope to reconnect but every day the distance is wider. Friendship cannot last for too long if only one person is still trying to reconnect

[Anonymous]

I would send a short text - hey- I miss our friendship. Did I offend you somehow? If so, would love the opportunity to discuss and apologize.

Or just move on.

[Anonymous]

I had a very similar situation where a former super close friend just kind of stopped answering texts as often and didn’t want to get together as frequently. She had also initiated the friendship and we had been incredibly close, the distance came out of nowhere. I posted on here and the answers were that saying anything comes off as needy/clingy. I did end up saying “I miss hanging out with you!” And she responded with something like “I know, right? it’s just a super busy time” I reached out to her more than she to me, and I felt a lot of sadness with that.

FWIW we are still friends years later, but I don’t think we would be if I hadn’t continued to reach out to her (every few weeks) with a GIF or check in text. We have fun when we hang out, but it’s not the same as before. And she does initiate getting together with me, so it’s not like it’s just one sided, it’s just very different than before.

If I were you I would assume that it’s not personal, I would send her a very specific invitation and see how she responds, and since your kiddos are still close I would maintain a positive attitude as long as you can handle it.

[Anonymous]

It took me a long time, but finally I realized that an important part of life was knowing when to let friendships evaporate. No need for a note—just let her fade away.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t ask if I’d done something wrong. Minimal chance you did and don’t know. It seems she knows you’d be a valuable friend if she was going through something personal, so that door remains open. Most I would do would be to connect again and leave it in her court. Something like “Miss seeing you around, but life is so much different without the boys around, huh!. I’m always up for coffee if life gets less busy. Give me a buzz anytime.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t ask if I’d done something wrong. Minimal chance you did and don’t know. It seems she knows you’d be a valuable friend if she was going through something personal, so that door remains open. Most I would do would be to connect again and leave it in her court. Something like “Miss seeing you around, but life is so much different without the boys around, huh!. I’m always up for coffee if life gets less busy. Give me a buzz anytime.”

This is a good idea

[Anonymous]

Move on.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I'd schedule another in person meet up and as casually as possible ask like the things you mentioned - 'hey, has anything changed?...' Life is too short to not do what you want to do, say what you want to say - so if this is going to keep you up at night, ask delicately and kindly. Decide what you need to move forward.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. It’s obvious from your post that you really enjoyed this person’s company. It’s not easy to make new friends. I also admire your lack of blame or bitterness. It’s almost like you’re emotionally healthy!! I think leaving the door open for future contact is the right call.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she’s actually busy with things going on her in life. This might not be about you. I’d keep reaching out and go with it and then let it fade.

You know your friend, we don’t. Will reaching out and calling her out in this push her away and make you seem needy? It would if I was your friend.

I know there are times when I’ve actually just had a lot going on with medical things with my family or other things in my life and not felt like being that social or sharing.