Formally very close friendship dying, do you say something or just move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What is wrong" places the person on the defensive.
I don't see that as a good thing.
It's basically "you are disappointing me WHY let's fix it so you do what I like you to do."

Agree. It also will cause them try to take an account of what you may have done or said even if there’s nothing. You will have them trying to figure out what the offense was. Not a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What is wrong" places the person on the defensive.
I don't see that as a good thing.
It's basically "you are disappointing me WHY let's fix it so you do what I like you to do."

Amen

[Anonymous]

You don't know what is going on in her life.

Remember this: people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would make it -not- about these adults. (your boys). As adults, talking about these adults now feels like gossip. Except for big life events: Michael got a new job at ____, he's engaged, that type of thing. A line or two and then shutting up about it.

Two women have got to focus on all the other things in life to talk about (well, except finances, religion, politics) But I'm actually surprised this lasted for you for as long as it did -- the kid's friendship holding you together. Most of us have had to pivot, not talking much about our kids with our Mom friends. That happened long ago.

But now there is good reason. These are adults. With their own adult lives and Moms shouldn't be discussing their lives with their friends. Try that. Invite her a few times for an activity completely different. You are two women the same age, whose temperaments are a good match, you should have a lot in common.

[Anonymous]

^ pp again. if this sounds extreme, at least consider approaching the relationship with more of this in mind.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to reach out in a few weeks for a lunch

Not lunch. You need some togetherness that's not the two of you sitting across from each other needing to make conversation. Going to a movie would be much better. Attending some performance event. Something that does not need much conversation. For now.
I am poster 15:05 & 15:16 btw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me a long time, but finally I realized that an important part of life was knowing when to let friendships evaporate. No need for a note—just let her fade away.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I would make it -not- about these adults. (your boys). As adults, talking about these adults now feels like gossip. Except for big life events: Michael got a new job at ____, he's engaged, that type of thing. A line or two and then shutting up about it.

Two women have got to focus on all the other things in life to talk about (well, except finances, religion, politics) But I'm actually surprised this lasted for you for as long as it did -- the kid's friendship holding you together. Most of us have had to pivot, not talking much about our kids with our Mom friends. That happened long ago.

But now there is good reason. These are adults. With their own adult lives and Moms shouldn't be discussing their lives with their friends. Try that. Invite her a few times for an activity completely different. You are two women the same age, whose temperaments are a good match, you should have a lot in common.

I'm the OP and this is such a bizarre reply because you literally pulled all of this out of thin air and it's actually the opposite of what our friendship was all about. We had very good boundaries about talking about our kids because we both recognized their need for privacy as young men. For instance, they have both dated girls for over a year and we've never once talked about their relationships or the girls. Not a single time.

Your post is just so weird. It's like you read an entirely different original post than what I wrote.

[Anonymous]

It might not have anything to do with you. I have had close friends do this twice. Once the friend was going through an acrimonious divorce and was secretive about it. She got back in touch after the divorce and we hung out some, though we were never as close again. In the other case the person had less dramatic but heavy personal stuff and we did resume the friendship years later. Sometimes friendships take energy you don't have. I would give her space for a while, and then maybe an occasional quick text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might not have anything to do with you. I have had close friends do this twice. Once the friend was going through an acrimonious divorce and was secretive about it. She got back in touch after the divorce and we hung out some, though we were never as close again. In the other case the person had less dramatic but heavy personal stuff and we did resume the friendship years later. Sometimes friendships take energy you don't have. I would give her space for a while, and then maybe an occasional quick text.

Adding: you mention that you guys are "not friend collectors" and I take that as an important clue, actually. I think people like this, with a small number of close friends, tend to be introverted by nature and when life gets difficult or upsetting or profound, they want to process it on their own. That's how I am and how most of my close friends are, and I think that's why I have been through this multiple times with friends. (I don't think it's because I'm not supportive, I think it's more the temperament of these friends).

It's hard but I wouldn't lose hope, I would just put the relationship aside for now.

[Anonymous]

Totally speculative but because of the timing of her son graduating, I'd wonder if she's getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

If she wanted to maintain the level of friendship you had, she would. When kids are launched, there is time for coffee, a walk, etc. with people we want to spend time with. Agree with others who have suggested the season of this friendship is over. I had this happen for some of my friendships that had developed when my kids were young. Once it was adults-only and I had time to reflect, I realized the friendships were not going to endure the next stage (various reasons) and I let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she misses her son and is struggling with empty nest, and you’re a reminder of the before times?

This.

[Anonymous]

"Does email/conversation asking a fading friend what is wrong ever work? I've gotten that email one time when I was younger (I had just gotten my first big job and was really busy - it had nothing to do with the friend), and that email turned me off the friendship a bit (too intense and drama)."

Yes. In person, brief, casually and delicately.

Decide what you

[Anonymous]

Formally? Do you mean formerly?