15 y.o son--smart kid; hates school

[Anonymous]

We're seeing some deep unhappiness with our son, who is a freshman, with school and "the point of it all." He's at a good private school with a good faculty, but he hasn't seemed to really connect to his teachers and his classes. He feels, despite the school's insistence on learning being the most important thing, pressure on grades being the most important thing there. (This is not one of the typical DMV pressure cooker schools, and he says he doesn't think it's different at other places. He HATES homework.g) He's got a strong friend group and is social, if also an introvert (and so can get tapped out after too much people time, but he has a good sense of calibrating that for himself).

I know this is impossible to judge from outside, but I'm trying to gauge how much of this is high school transition, how much is the current climate (lots of recent research on how disengaged students are with school, especially at the high school and college level) and, well, everything in these strange times. I think there's some anxiety and depression going on beyond garden-variety teen apathy and grumpiness that reaches into sadness that he's shared with me.

If you saw this with your son around this age, what were your next steps? Upping physical activity? (He's not a sporty kid.) Therapy? Medication? I'm not sure how to help him fully. And while I think the school counselors both at his previous and current school are well trained to talk to kids this age and give them tools for managing stress, he's mostly scoffed at their guidance to the whole class group, and so talking to a therapist is going to be a hard sell (but maybe a necessary one).

Open to perspective from folks who've been there, done that. TIA.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I have a sporty kid and he hates school as well. I asked him just last night what his friends think and he said they all hate school too. I don't know the answer to your question. It might just be the age. They want to sit around and play video games not do work.

[Anonymous]

He’s not wrong. I’d validate.

My sons only did well in school because they wanted to play sports so they had to do well enough.

[Anonymous]

He hates the high pressure of grades and homework, so you put him in a private school? In the DMV? Okay. That sounds like it's working about as well as anyone reading your post would think it would work. Meaning, it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Our teens hated high school in the DMV, life was tough. Then we moved out of the area for spouse's job to a mid-size city, more like a town. A month after moving, our teens were like different people. Relaxed. Happy. Doing the work. A change of scenery (as in, a new city) did night-and-day wonders. Neither of our kids wanted to apply to any schools in the DMV. Their reaction was "Why would I ever want to go back there to school in that awful, high-pressure place with rude striver people?"

[Anonymous]

Schools = colleges

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend the book The Disengaged Teen. The gist is that finding something that excites your son that is intellectual or academic can help him feel more engaged even in classes he doesn’t enjoy.

That said, we went through this recently with our teen, who was also at a great school (St Stephen’s St Agnes) but they felt the school, while ostensibly being low pressure and prioritizing the experience of learning, was extremely focused on points and grades and pretty rigid in what the students learn. It just killed the joy of learning for him. We changed schools and our teen is much happier! So I wouldn’t rule out making a change like that as an option. I know applications for next year are due soon but I think if you reach out to schools you’ll find it’s not too late.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Would public be less stressful and less homework? Did his friends come to high school with him?
Mine are in public stay away from too much homework and pressure. I cannot imagine having to pay for school where DC is unhappy.
Did he offer a solution?

[Anonymous]

There ought to be a big social draw to school, invested in their life at school. Outside of academics. Maybe the school's too small.

[Anonymous]

I would be empathetic and encourage him to think about things outside of school he wants to do and how doing well in school will set him up for what comes next. And give him plenty of opportunities to think about what comes next for him. Just like how some people don't like their job but they have hobbies they enjoy, or the job is how they save up enough to retire. Also if he thinks public school would be a better option, I would help him look into that. Might as well be disengaged for free, and have the money for extracurricular or future endeavors!

[Anonymous]

Start now to look for some engaging summer activities for him. Consider something like an outdoor program. Take him on a college tour so he sees what he is working for. I’d go with him to a therapist saying that you need help with how to help him because you don’t want to screw up as a parent. That takes the onus off him being the problem. It sounds like possible depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I highly recommend the book The Disengaged Teen. The gist is that finding something that excites your son that is intellectual or academic can help him feel more engaged even in classes he doesn’t enjoy.

That said, we went through this recently with our teen, who was also at a great school (St Stephen’s St Agnes) but they felt the school, while ostensibly being low pressure and prioritizing the experience of learning, was extremely focused on points and grades and pretty rigid in what the students learn. It just killed the joy of learning for him. We changed schools and our teen is much happier! So I wouldn’t rule out making a change like that as an option. I know applications for next year are due soon but I think if you reach out to schools you’ll find it’s not too late.

Good luck!

This is interesting (though maybe not practical for OP!)

I (36F) grew up in this area - went to a competitive school etc - and as an eager people-pleaser I thrived with the striver culture and grades obsession culture; then I crashed and burned and had to regroup later in adulthood once those goalposts fell away.

It is wonderful that your son already has strong friendships since, honestly, relationships with other human beings are “the point of it all,” at the end of the day. Is he able to spend decent quantities of unstructured time with these friends doing enjoyable things, maybe outside? Do they live close enough that he can choose when he sees them? I ask because in hindsight, attending a specialized school meant that all of my school friends lived really far away, so it was genuinely difficult to maintain a fulfilling social life outside of highly structured school stuff.

Does he have an introvert hobby at home that recharges him that he can talk about and/or share with others? Activities that are tactile, non-quantitative, and/or social are great. It’s also great that he feels comfortable sharing his feelings with you.

[Anonymous]

^whoops sorry -PP and I responded to the wrong post! I meant to respond to the post about moving out of the DMV, which OP may not be able to do

[Anonymous]

Even the former non pressure cooker schools are being infiltrated by pressure cooker families and the culture is pervasive. And no it doesn’t always follow the racial lines.

[Anonymous]

I’d transfer him. Why is he a 15 year old freshman?