Managing teen boundaries with mentally ill grandparent?

[Anonymous]

My MIL has longstanding mental health challenges, and my husband’s relationship with her has become quite strained as those issues have progressed. They are currently very low contact. DH is in therapy and doing a lot of work around boundaries and long-standing family dynamics.

When our children were younger, they had a fairly surface-level, affectionate relationship with her. As they’ve entered their teen years, however, her behavior has increasingly made them uncomfortable. We do not allow the kids to be alone with her.

During this current low-contact period with DH, she has begun reaching out to the kids more frequently and persistently, sometimes during the school day, and the content often feels emotionally loaded (“I miss when you were little,” “the cats miss you,” etc.). The teens find this distressing and confusing. They’ve noticed that if they respond, the messages increase, and if they don’t respond, she escalates her attempts.

We’ve silenced her notifications on their phones, but even seeing missed messages is causing them anxiety. At this point, they’ve expressed that they do not want direct contact with her.

DH struggles with this emotionally and still hopes that one day the kids might have a healthier relationship with his mother than he did, but I’m increasingly concerned about prioritizing our teens’ comfort and emotional well-being now.

Would it be reasonable to block her from texting/calling the kids at this stage, at least temporarily? If you’ve navigated something similar, especially with teens, I’d appreciate hearing how you handled it.

[Anonymous]

Definitely block. You can always un block her if things improve.

[Anonymous]

Block Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Block Grandma.

+1

Prioritize your kids

Her behavior is inappropriate and manipulative especially at their ages

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your replies. To be clear, the kids and I have discussed blocking her for now, and they are very concerned that their dad will be upset with them for blocking her. I have assured them that I have their backs and it wouldn’t be “wrong”, but I’d love any advice you have on reassuring them.

OP

[Anonymous]

My teens would have blocked her on their own without even batting an eye. Yours need to learn how to protect themselves, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your replies. To be clear, the kids and I have discussed blocking her for now, and they are very concerned that their dad will be upset with them for blocking her. I have assured them that I have their backs and it wouldn’t be “wrong”, but I’d love any advice you have on reassuring them.

OP

You have a DH problem. I would go ahead and block her, and he can unblock her if he feels that strongly about it. He won't, he just doesn't want to be the one to actually do it because of his conflicted feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your replies. To be clear, the kids and I have discussed blocking her for now, and they are very concerned that their dad will be upset with them for blocking her. I have assured them that I have their backs and it wouldn’t be “wrong”, but I’d love any advice you have on reassuring them.

OP

You need to tell them specifically how you will defend them against their father. What is he going to do, punish them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your replies. To be clear, the kids and I have discussed blocking her for now, and they are very concerned that their dad will be upset with them for blocking her. I have assured them that I have their backs and it wouldn’t be “wrong”, but I’d love any advice you have on reassuring them.

OP

It's very odd that they're this fearful, OP. Has your husband been sending mixed messages? My daughter would have said: "BTW I blocked Grandma like a month ago - she was sending me weird messages." I mean, this should not be producing so much agonizing on anyone's part. Or are you projecting your own anxieties on the kids, and they're not actually that fussed? I actually hope it's the latter, otherwise it means your kids are a traumatized over your husband's relationship with his mother - and that's on you guys. You two shouldn't have allowed that to happen.

It's also odd that you're crowdsourcing such a minor issue. Obviously your husband needs to tell his kids that they should block Grandma. Why is everyone walking on eggshells here? Does your husband have an anger management problem?

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, the DCUM echo chamber takes everything you have said about your MIL at face value and, as you expected, fully supports your decision to block your children from their grandmother. How dare she say such horrible things as "the cats miss you?" How dare she want a relationship with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your replies. To be clear, the kids and I have discussed blocking her for now, and they are very concerned that their dad will be upset with them for blocking her. I have assured them that I have their backs and it wouldn’t be “wrong”, but I’d love any advice you have on reassuring them.

OP

You have a DH problem. I would go ahead and block her, and he can unblock her if he feels that strongly about it. He won't, he just doesn't want to be the one to actually do it because of his conflicted feelings.

You’re absolutely right, all on points. I’m glad he’s getting help, but I wish it were as simple as flipping a switch. It’s difficult for US in this in-between space. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your replies. To be clear, the kids and I have discussed blocking her for now, and they are very concerned that their dad will be upset with them for blocking her. I have assured them that I have their backs and it wouldn’t be “wrong”, but I’d love any advice you have on reassuring them.

OP

It's very odd that they're this fearful, OP. Has your husband been sending mixed messages? My daughter would have said: "BTW I blocked Grandma like a month ago - she was sending me weird messages." I mean, this should not be producing so much agonizing on anyone's part. Or are you projecting your own anxieties on the kids, and they're not actually that fussed? I actually hope it's the latter, otherwise it means your kids are a traumatized over your husband's relationship with his mother - and that's on you guys. You two shouldn't have allowed that to happen.

It's also odd that you're crowdsourcing such a minor issue. Obviously your husband needs to tell his kids that they should block Grandma. Why is everyone walking on eggshells here? Does your husband have an anger management problem?

It’s been challenging for DH as this was the first holiday season, and things have escalated. I think he’s realizing, while also struggling, to accept that she is who she is, and things will never be normal. I think they just don’t want to add insult to injury by telling him that they, too, are completely over her. They aren’t scared of him, they just empathize and know it’ll be hard for him to hear. He will do nothing to them, he will accept it, but it will be that slap in the face of acknowledgment. Does that make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your replies. To be clear, the kids and I have discussed blocking her for now, and they are very concerned that their dad will be upset with them for blocking her. I have assured them that I have their backs and it wouldn’t be “wrong”, but I’d love any advice you have on reassuring them.

OP

You need to tell them specifically how you will defend them against their father. What is he going to do, punish them?

I replied above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your replies. To be clear, the kids and I have discussed blocking her for now, and they are very concerned that their dad will be upset with them for blocking her. I have assured them that I have their backs and it wouldn’t be “wrong”, but I’d love any advice you have on reassuring them.

OP

It's very odd that they're this fearful, OP. Has your husband been sending mixed messages? My daughter would have said: "BTW I blocked Grandma like a month ago - she was sending me weird messages." I mean, this should not be producing so much agonizing on anyone's part. Or are you projecting your own anxieties on the kids, and they're not actually that fussed? I actually hope it's the latter, otherwise it means your kids are a traumatized over your husband's relationship with his mother - and that's on you guys. You two shouldn't have allowed that to happen.

It's also odd that you're crowdsourcing such a minor issue. Obviously your husband needs to tell his kids that they should block Grandma. Why is everyone walking on eggshells here? Does your husband have an anger management problem?

It’s been challenging for DH as this was the first holiday season, and things have escalated. I think he’s realizing, while also struggling, to accept that she is who she is, and things will never be normal. I think they just don’t want to add insult to injury by telling him that they, too, are completely over her. They aren’t scared of him, they just empathize and know it’ll be hard for him to hear. He will do nothing to them, he will accept it, but it will be that slap in the face of acknowledgment. Does that make sense?

You're adding fuel to the fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your replies. To be clear, the kids and I have discussed blocking her for now, and they are very concerned that their dad will be upset with them for blocking her. I have assured them that I have their backs and it wouldn’t be “wrong”, but I’d love any advice you have on reassuring them.

OP

It's very odd that they're this fearful, OP. Has your husband been sending mixed messages? My daughter would have said: "BTW I blocked Grandma like a month ago - she was sending me weird messages." I mean, this should not be producing so much agonizing on anyone's part. Or are you projecting your own anxieties on the kids, and they're not actually that fussed? I actually hope it's the latter, otherwise it means your kids are a traumatized over your husband's relationship with his mother - and that's on you guys. You two shouldn't have allowed that to happen.

It's also odd that you're crowdsourcing such a minor issue. Obviously your husband needs to tell his kids that they should block Grandma. Why is everyone walking on eggshells here? Does your husband have an anger management problem?

It’s been challenging for DH as this was the first holiday season, and things have escalated. I think he’s realizing, while also struggling, to accept that she is who she is, and things will never be normal. I think they just don’t want to add insult to injury by telling him that they, too, are completely over her. They aren’t scared of him, they just empathize and know it’ll be hard for him to hear. He will do nothing to them, he will accept it, but it will be that slap in the face of acknowledgment. Does that make sense?

You're adding fuel to the fire.

I didn’t realize. Should I simply block her today when they get home from school and that’s the end of it? What would be best, at this point?