Underlying angry tone

[Anonymous]

Ran into a friend and her husband on NYE. Spent more time chatting with husband who I’ve always considered nice and normal. This time he had this underlying angry tone about things and also bragged about some contracts he’d gotten. He’s about 40. They have a nice life and she recently left her job, so they have enough money coming in. She has also started becoming sarcastic and snarky randomly.

Maybe they were always like this but I didn’t notice before. Or is it that people start becoming bitter as they age?

[Anonymous]

It could also be that you have changed, OP.

I have found that I have gotten gentler and more open-minded as I age, and this has made me more aware of very negative or judgmental attitudes from others. I have friends I've known for decades and who are the same as they've always been, but I find I can't spend as much time with them as I used to because I am more bothered by their snarky or judgmental tone.

[Anonymous]

It’s a stretch to turn one interaction with two people into a statement about people “becoming bitter” with age. Context matters, stress, alcohol, money dynamics, holiday vibes, and even the mood that night. And since this is an anonymous forum, there’s no way to know whether this is new behavior or just newly noticed behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could also be that you have changed, OP.

I have found that I have gotten gentler and more open-minded as I age, and this has made me more aware of very negative or judgmental attitudes from others. I have friends I've known for decades and who are the same as they've always been, but I find I can't spend as much time with them as I used to because I am more bothered by their snarky or judgmental tone.

Good point PP!

I do think the husband is more negative than before. The wife I’ve seen multiple times and she seems to be getting worse but maybe I just never knew her that well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could also be that you have changed, OP.

I have found that I have gotten gentler and more open-minded as I age, and this has made me more aware of very negative or judgmental attitudes from others. I have friends I've known for decades and who are the same as they've always been, but I find I can't spend as much time with them as I used to because I am more bothered by their snarky or judgmental tone.

You claim you've gotten "gentler and more open-minded" but you're "bothered by their snarky or judgmental tone"? These positions are incompatible. Gentle, open-minded people don't need to judge other people's "tone". They can accept that others communicate how they do and it's not about the listener. Needing to control other people's tone isn't gentle or open-minded, it's judgmental, controlling, and a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ran into a friend and her husband on NYE. Spent more time chatting with husband who I’ve always considered nice and normal. This time he had this underlying angry tone about things and also bragged about some contracts he’d gotten. He’s about 40. They have a nice life and she recently left her job, so they have enough money coming in. She has also started becoming sarcastic and snarky randomly.

Maybe they were always like this but I didn’t notice before. Or is it that people start becoming bitter as they age?

Yeah, needing to read this much into someone's "tone" (or, better said, your perception of someone's alleged tone) is mental. I don't know what "nice and normal" means to you, but being proud of a contract you've gotten sounds pretty normal to me.

You're the only one in this dynamic that seems bitter. Stop projecting, start reflecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could also be that you have changed, OP.

I have found that I have gotten gentler and more open-minded as I age, and this has made me more aware of very negative or judgmental attitudes from others. I have friends I've known for decades and who are the same as they've always been, but I find I can't spend as much time with them as I used to because I am more bothered by their snarky or judgmental tone.

You claim you've gotten "gentler and more open-minded" but you're "bothered by their snarky or judgmental tone"? These positions are incompatible. Gentle, open-minded people don't need to judge other people's "tone". They can accept that others communicate how they do and it's not about the listener. Needing to control other people's tone isn't gentle or open-minded, it's judgmental, controlling, and a waste of time.

I agree with your sentiment, but the person you are responding to is not the OP. That's a different poster that claims they are gentler and more open-minded.

[Anonymous]

It's age. Reality bites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ran into a friend and her husband on NYE. Spent more time chatting with husband who I’ve always considered nice and normal. This time he had this underlying angry tone about things and also bragged about some contracts he’d gotten. He’s about 40. They have a nice life and she recently left her job, so they have enough money coming in. She has also started becoming sarcastic and snarky randomly.

Maybe they were always like this but I didn’t notice before. Or is it that people start becoming bitter as they age?

There could be dozens of reasons a couple is off during a single meeting, including you not being aware of your annoying behavior to some random one off thing happening that day. I wouldn't change my perception of them based on an hour or two.

That being said, most people around us, including us got more relaxed and accepting of others with age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could also be that you have changed, OP.

I have found that I have gotten gentler and more open-minded as I age, and this has made me more aware of very negative or judgmental attitudes from others. I have friends I've known for decades and who are the same as they've always been, but I find I can't spend as much time with them as I used to because I am more bothered by their snarky or judgmental tone.

You claim you've gotten "gentler and more open-minded" but you're "bothered by their snarky or judgmental tone"? These positions are incompatible. Gentle, open-minded people don't need to judge other people's "tone". They can accept that others communicate how they do and it's not about the listener. Needing to control other people's tone isn't gentle or open-minded, it's judgmental, controlling, and a waste of time.

PP here and no, it is not incompatible. I used to enjoy spending time with friends judging other people or complaining and criticizing. Now I find I don't want to do that, and when these same friends express these opinions, I find unable to match their strong negative opinions, and instead feeling natural or even empathetic towards the people or things they are judging. I am still friends with them, but we are just in different places mentally and that can make it hard to spend time together. I don't judge them and I recognize that what has shifted is something in me, not them.

I was actually trying to urge OP to look inward rather than blaming this dynamic on her friends, who may just be acting consistently as they always have. When we stop enjoying other people's company, it's easy to assume it's their fault, but in this case it might be OP shifting her outlook and thus not b being able to relate to her friends in the same way.

[Anonymous]

Could be any number of things. Lots and lots of people are having a very rough time these days with the world were it is, and cynicism and anger have settled in for many to a noticeable degree. Or they could have been having a vicious fight all the way to the party. Or for whatever reason, they've decided they strongly dislike you.

[Anonymous]

I think most adults are governed by the things toddlers are. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. The HALT acronym is popular for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Sarcasm becomes very unattractive when older, older than a young adult.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they’re having marital problems and it’s affecting them both in this way.

[Anonymous]

Watch out for the wife. My secretly abusive, publicly nice DH started to get rude or grouchy to others and drop his act just when he believed he had me fully controlled. Friends picked up on his behavior but didn’t realize what was going on with me until way later. They assumed I was just having one off day.