How do you manage family visits involving kids (pre-teen and teen) and grouchy, sometimes abusive elderly grandparents
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Anonymous
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We visited my parents last weekend and noticed that my parents, in particular my elderly father who is in his late 70s, are getting pretty difficult to be around, and probably not great for my kids due to the things I heard them saying to them. My father was starting to nitpick at them about what they were wearing, how they were speaking, what kind of activities they like ("don't you like baseball like a real boy," that sort of stuff). I know his father was emotionally abusive, so I think he may just be repeating the stuff he was subjected to as a kid. We have to spend a lot of money on travel just to visit them, and DH and I really see no point in putting up that kind of money only to expose our kids to that stuff just to see the grandparents. There's no hope in telling my mother to help my dad check his behavior. In some ways, I think she's afraid of getting into a spat with him and disrupting her peace. She's more or less become the dutiful elderly wife who just focuses on keeping him alive (he has a lot of health issues at this point but won't accept outside help).
We visited for only three days last week, and she got on me about the visit being too short. But why on earth would we stay longer if their behavior stinks? |
Anonymous
| How much misogyny have you internalized that you’re blaming your mother for your father’s conduct? Where is your responsibility as your child’s parent? You, the parent, your father’s child, are the person responsible for saying “dad, that’s not how we talk to our family members”. You let your son down, your spouse down, and you’re blaming your mother. |
Anonymous
| You can certainly opt not to visit, but I’d let your parents know why, and give them a chance to behave differently. If they do it again, then they’ve made their choice. |
Anonymous
I more or less told him that, and as usual, it goes in one ear and out the other and he insists he is correct. This is who he's been all his life. And my mother defends him or tries to explain away his behavior. As far as I'm concerned, the only way to deal with the situation is to not visit. Remove the source of negativity and not invite the treatment upon ourselves. I bring my mother into this because she's the one who insists on the visits and wants the kids at their house. Do we visit more than we need to at this point? There's not much of a grandparent-grandchild relationship if every time my kids see them my father can't stop himself from being a jerk (and my husband doesn't like him much either, never did). |
Anonymous
| Can you invite your mother to stay at your house every now and then? Or stay in a hotel near their home and inveigle your mother to come out and do things? I would be very blunt with your father. |
Anonymous
OP here. She won't travel without him. She won't even sit in a Starbucks alone. She would never leave him out. Again, she defends him and even treats him as if he's her kid (hence why I need her help reining in his behavior, he won't accept any criticism of his behavior from me). If they weren't my parents, I'd avoid them, but alas, it is what it is. I have a sibling who is in her 40s and still relies on them extensively support, so she hears no evil, sees no evil. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, when my dad was in his eighties, basically me and my siblings would go and visit my parents, but we no longer took the family. Once they hit that grouchy stage, they also tend not to care too much about anyone other than themselves -- they usually lose interest in your kids and even you. Just want to talk about their aches and pains and their metamucil consumption. |
Anonymous
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This is a no go OP.
I stopped taking my kids to my parents because both are verbally abusive. Why in the world would you subject your kids to this? |
Anonymous
| Mom comes to you from now on or she doesn’t see them. Full stop. Your kids don’t deserve this. |
Anonymous
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No more or very limited visits
Kids should be super busy soon so that should also make it easier Don’t subject your kids to their terrible behavior and banter. |
Anonymous
That's a shame. My mother tends to be like this too, but she does fight back now and again vis-a-vis my father. They get into tiffs. She does go out for walks with her friend to get a breather from my father, sometimes, so I guess I should be thankful for small mercies... I think you should limit contact despite your mother's requests. Your children are your priority, and after that it's YOU who is your priority  Everyone else comes after. Don't become your mother, and put everyone else first.
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Anonymous
| We visited my abusive grandfather frequently. He didn’t abuse us grandchildren but did make similarly inappropriate comments. We watched him repeatedly degrade and scream at my grandmother and humiliated us with the way he would treat retail and restaurant staff. My mom spent a lot of time explaining to us why his behavior wasn’t unacceptable. Yet we kept going back. Personally, I think my parents should have limited our contact with my grandfather much more severely. |
Anonymous
| You don’t even say how old your damned kids are. |
Anonymous
She shared enough about their age range. Check the title of the thread .. pre teen and teen You do the math |
Anonymous
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To answer your question, you:
-stay at a hotel -visit without kids -stop visiting altogether As for your mother laying on the guilt trip about short visits, ignore. It’s okay to say to her that they really aren’t pleasant given the way your father behaves. She may have made her bed and accepts this is her fate. That doesn’t mean she gets to pull you into the quicksand with her. |