Gut check - am I being reasonable or overly anxious?

[Anonymous]

DH and I had our second child earlier this month. Our oldest was born in May and was well past the newborn stage by the time the holidays rolled around. Multiple family members, including DH, seem to think that I’m overly anxious about illness and that some of the positions I’ve taken on holiday gatherings and activities are unnecessary and could be perceived as rude. I think I’m being completely reasonable, that my positions are not that extreme, and that I’m just using basic common sense. Please give me a gut check here! I’m tired of family members hinting that I may have PPA just because I am in favor of exercising some basic precautions that are totally consistent with our pediatrician’s guidance.

Here are a few examples:
-I do not want to take the baby to our older child’s all-school holiday event.

-Our siblings want to visit us and meet the baby around the holidays. I’m fine with that, but I do want to make it clear in advance that, if anyone in our siblings’ families have any symptoms of illness, we will need to reschedule that family’s visit. (Our siblings all have young kids, so it seems almost inevitable that setting this expectation will end up requiring us to reschedule some visits.) I have communicated this expectation to my side of the family. DH is reluctant to communicate it to his side because “it will seem rude.”

-When our siblings visit, I do not want their children (who range in age from toddlers to early elementary) holding the baby or kissing the baby anywhere other than his feet. I haven’t asked DH to communicate this in advance, but I do think it’s a totally reasonable request to make when they arrive. I have no problem with other adults holding the baby, but I would strongly prefer that they not kiss the baby - at least on the face.

To me these all seem like basic, common sense precautions. Am I off base here? And if not, then why are various family members, including members of my own immediate family, acting like I’m being overly anxious and unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

You are totally reasonable but people will also be rude about it. Don’t let that stop you. A brand new baby at the holidays needs to be protected.

[Anonymous]

Those are reasonable for a newborn. The first 6-8 weeks are not when you want crowds of people or sick people around a newborn.

[Anonymous]

If you husband feels weird about telling his family, he should say the pediatrician said this.

[Anonymous]

It's fine but some of this I wouldn't communicate to others needlessly. Like the first, no need to get into whether or why you aren't taking baby to some event that doesn't involve extended family.

#2 seems common sense to me. I have young kids and honestly if they were at all sick and meeting a baby I would certainly reach out to the parent beforehand and see if we should skip visiting.

#3 will seem unusual but some of this is just stating your boundaries and dealing with whatever judgment. Other people are allowed to have opinions but you don't need to let that change the lines you are drawing.

[Anonymous]

I think these precautions are fine. And I actually don't even think you need the health concerns to justify them, though I understand those concerns. You have a baby who is a week or two old. You want to protect the baby and limit interaction with other people. This is not only normal, it is likely a biological imperative. These are perfectly normal instincts to give into for a child under 6-8 weeks of age.

In many cultures, it is not atypical for new babies to be secluded with their mother and maybe a handful of close family members for the first 6 weeks of life.

Consider sharing a resource like this with your DH: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/new-parents-and-newborns-are-visitors-ok

It's a practical guide for making these choices that emphasizes that newborns have immunity vulnerabilities and that it's okay for parents to set boundaries and limitations during these first few weeks. For instance, it is clear that the recommendation from healthcare professionals would be to keep your baby home from the holiday performance, which would be a "large crowd" -- there is simply no good reason to bring a newborn to something like that.

I would also emphasize with your DH, that your baby is X DAYS old. Like frame it that way. Say "when your brother and his family come to visit, the baby will be only 17 days old." Emphasize the difference between being in this stage, where you count the baby's lifespan in days to a 6 or 7 month old baby, as your older child was for his first holidays.

I fully support you in standing firm on this. I didn't stand firm on some of my boundaries during this postpartum period and later I felt like I'd been bullied into doing things I wasn't comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

I think these are totally reasonable limits for a newborn (less than 2 months old). If he gets even a mild fever, he's headed to the hospital for a spinal tap. Anyone who gives you any beef can be reminded of that fact. If he was like 6 months old I'd say you were being a bit uptight, but this is a really, really tiny baby.

Ignore your family. This is for sure none of their business.

However - your husband goes in a whole different category from your family. You need to hear him out and potentially be willing to compromise IF he the truly disagrees with your approach. NOT because he's concerned about being rude. If it's just that, you can work with him on the best ways to approach, and be open to the fact that there might be better ways to approach some things with his family rather than yours. Family cultures are different, even in subtle ways - he may be more comfortable turning someone away at the front door with a runny nose than telling EVERYONE in advance absolutely no sickness near baby, for example, and that's fine. You should be really flexible on how boundaries are presented/held with his family, as long as the boundaries you agree on are held.

If you're really at odds as to what makes reasonable boundaries, you can agree to use the pediatrician as a tie breaker and call him.

If you are hoping to be egalitarian parents, I would caution you against treating your opinions about the baby as more valid than his opinions about the baby simply because you're the mom. That starts you off on bad footing - if you're the decider, then you do all the research, and the buck stops with you. You're the manager of the family, and he's a helper/assistant/underling, and that is the beginning of a mental load that is incredibly crushing as the kids age (see: about a million threads on this topic in the relationship forum). The flip side of expecting your husband to handle his half of parenting, logistics, and the mental load is treating his opinions and approaches to childrearing as equal to your own, and that starts now.

[Anonymous]

You are being perfectly reasonable. Baby is new and it's germ season. I had a Dec 1st baby and kept them home that first holiday season-and that was before covid and so much rsv and all that. Even more reason to be cautious, now.

If you do end up with baby around others, like dh's siblings/kids, consider baby wearing. That way, baby is there but no one can kiss or hold them, because you are wearing them.

[Anonymous]

Your oldest child was born in May and this month you gave birth to a baby? Was your oldest adopted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your oldest child was born in May and this month you gave birth to a baby? Was your oldest adopted?

May of a different year. She's prob like 2 or 3.

[Anonymous]

Why even have people over? Seriously.
Are the visitors planning to stay in your house? No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why even have people over? Seriously.
Are the visitors planning to stay in your house? No way.

+1, if I had a baby in December, I would tell everyone we were excited to see them in January or February and would do FaceTimes with people on Christmas.

Actually with our first, that's basically what we did, and she was born in August. But by then we'd hosted and visited family and everyone had met the baby. But I just wanted to stay home and have a quiet Christmas just us, so that's what we did. We didn't even do a tree because we were too tired to deal with it, we just hung up some twinkle lights, bought each other gifts, watched holiday movies, and snuggled with the baby. It was blissful.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine but no need to go into details with family. Sounds like your extended family has diff behaviors with newborns.

I think the first one is a little bit dramatic about the school event, but it’s not my kid. It’s yours. So you have to do what you’re most comfortable with. And please make sure the grown-ups have TDAP boosters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those are reasonable for a newborn. The first 6-8 weeks are not when you want crowds of people or sick people around a newborn.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think these are totally within the prerogative of a mom of a less than 2 month old that hasn’t had their shots. I’d probably do the same and even if I thought you were being overprotective I think moms of little babies are allowed to be!!