Getting cold feet about divorce

[Anonymous]

I told my husband in late October that I wanted to divorce, after thinking about it for years. He has always had anger issues and has been emotionally abusive at times. I was afraid he would explode, but he actually broke down and has been trying to convince me to give him a chance to change. Of course, since the first divorce conversation, he has not lost his temper and we are getting along better than ever before. We are semi-separated at this point. He's finally accepted that. This is what I want and is willing to just get it done already. And now I'm getting scared. Being a single parent (we have one child in elementary school) it's the last thing that I ever wanted. But I've been dreaming for years about not being married to him anymore. I know that if I stay, I will never be able to trust the peace in our home, even if he never ever loses his temper again, and I will never feel love for him. I'll just be sleep walking through the rest of my life.

Is it typical to get cold feet about divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband in late October that I wanted to divorce, after thinking about it for years. He has always had anger issues and has been emotionally abusive at times. I was afraid he would explode, but he actually broke down and has been trying to convince me to give him a chance to change. Of course, since the first divorce conversation, he has not lost his temper and we are getting along better than ever before. We are semi-separated at this point. He's finally accepted that. This is what I want and is willing to just get it done already. And now I'm getting scared. Being a single parent (we have one child in elementary school) it's the last thing that I ever wanted. But I've been dreaming for years about not being married to him anymore. I know that if I stay, I will never be able to trust the peace in our home, even if he never ever loses his temper again, and I will never feel love for him. I'll just be sleep walking through the rest of my life.

Is it typical to get cold feet about divorce?

What you’re describing? That’s not confusion. That’s clarity finally catching up to fear.

Cold feet before a divorce is about as typical as second-guessing yourself when the exit ramp finally appears after years of white-knuckling the drive. You didn’t imagine the miles behind you just because the road got smooth for a moment.

Here’s the thing: people can behave better when the house is on fire. That doesn’t mean the wiring wasn’t faulty for years. It just means the alarm finally went off.

You’re not scared because you made the wrong decision. You’re scared because you’re standing at the edge of a life you didn’t plan for...even if it’s one you asked for. Freedom can feel a lot like fear when you first touch it.

And that “peace” you’re feeling right now? You already named the truth: you don’t trust it. And trust, real trust, is the foundation. Without it, you’re not living, you’re just managing the quiet, hoping it lasts. That’s not marriage. That’s waiting.

You’re not cold-footed because you stopped wanting out. You’re cold-footed because you’re brave enough to actually walk through the door.

No one dreams of being a single parent. But a lot of people dream of being whole. Of showing their child what it looks like to choose honesty over endurance. To choose a life that’s awake instead of sleepwalking.

You’re not crazy. You’re not heartless. You’re not late.

You’re just early in the next chapter, and yeah, the first page always shakes a little when you turn it.

[Anonymous]

If you can't be at peace with him, truly at peace, you need to walk away. Change is hard, and that's why you have cold feet.

[Anonymous]

Maybe take this opportunity to negotiate a good post nun with favorable terms to you and do marital therapy? You can always divorce him a year from now, with the post nup terms.

[Anonymous]

It is possible to rebuild and fall back in love again, with a lot of hard work and commitment. You need the help of a Gottman style marriage therapist. And he needs to start working with a anger management therapist ASAP

Please please give it a try, and see if you can save your family and get back to the man you once loved

[Anonymous]

He knows he can’t trust or count on you ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband in late October that I wanted to divorce, after thinking about it for years. He has always had anger issues and has been emotionally abusive at times. I was afraid he would explode, but he actually broke down and has been trying to convince me to give him a chance to change. Of course, since the first divorce conversation, he has not lost his temper and we are getting along better than ever before. We are semi-separated at this point. He's finally accepted that. This is what I want and is willing to just get it done already. And now I'm getting scared. Being a single parent (we have one child in elementary school) it's the last thing that I ever wanted. But I've been dreaming for years about not being married to him anymore. I know that if I stay, I will never be able to trust the peace in our home, even if he never ever loses his temper again, and I will never feel love for him. I'll just be sleep walking through the rest of my life.

Is it typical to get cold feet about divorce?

What you’re describing? That’s not confusion. That’s clarity finally catching up to fear.

Cold feet before a divorce is about as typical as second-guessing yourself when the exit ramp finally appears after years of white-knuckling the drive. You didn’t imagine the miles behind you just because the road got smooth for a moment.

Here’s the thing: people can behave better when the house is on fire. That doesn’t mean the wiring wasn’t faulty for years. It just means the alarm finally went off.

You’re not scared because you made the wrong decision. You’re scared because you’re standing at the edge of a life you didn’t plan for...even if it’s one you asked for. Freedom can feel a lot like fear when you first touch it.

And that “peace” you’re feeling right now? You already named the truth: you don’t trust it. And trust, real trust, is the foundation. Without it, you’re not living, you’re just managing the quiet, hoping it lasts. That’s not marriage. That’s waiting.

You’re not cold-footed because you stopped wanting out. You’re cold-footed because you’re brave enough to actually walk through the door.

No one dreams of being a single parent. But a lot of people dream of being whole. Of showing their child what it looks like to choose honesty over endurance. To choose a life that’s awake instead of sleepwalking.

You’re not crazy. You’re not heartless. You’re not late.

You’re just early in the next chapter, and yeah, the first page always shakes a little when you turn it.

Okay thanks ChatGPT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is possible to rebuild and fall back in love again, with a lot of hard work and commitment. You need the help of a Gottman style marriage therapist. And he needs to start working with a anger management therapist ASAP

Please please give it a try, and see if you can save your family and get back to the man you once loved

Be careful with this advice- DH lasted almost a year on his best behavior after 18 years married, 1 year separated and I thought he had finally gone back to his old self- (happy, loving, charming, not the narc jerk who had been showing up for almost 10 years) and we reconciled after living apart for almost a year. Well the cracks started showing about 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year- they keep creeping back up, lasting longer and now I’m the person who called wolf stuck in a shitty marriage with an almost 18 year old DC headed to college. Wondering where my life went and where do I go from here. How this person I have loved for half my life can be such a thoughtless, selfish, uncaring jerk - making digs about the pasta sauce not being hot enough, despite never cooking a meal or cleaning the house even though I work longer, harder and make 3 times what he makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is possible to rebuild and fall back in love again, with a lot of hard work and commitment. You need the help of a Gottman style marriage therapist. And he needs to start working with a anger management therapist ASAP

Please please give it a try, and see if you can save your family and get back to the man you once loved

Be careful with this advice- DH lasted almost a year on his best behavior after 18 years married, 1 year separated and I thought he had finally gone back to his old self- (happy, loving, charming, not the narc jerk who had been showing up for almost 10 years) and we reconciled after living apart for almost a year. Well the cracks started showing about 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year- they keep creeping back up, lasting longer and now I’m the person who called wolf stuck in a shitty marriage with an almost 18 year old DC headed to college. Wondering where my life went and where do I go from here. How this person I have loved for half my life can be such a thoughtless, selfish, uncaring jerk - making digs about the pasta sauce not being hot enough, despite never cooking a meal or cleaning the house even though I work longer, harder and make 3 times what he makes.

It's not too late for you to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband in late October that I wanted to divorce, after thinking about it for years. He has always had anger issues and has been emotionally abusive at times. I was afraid he would explode, but he actually broke down and has been trying to convince me to give him a chance to change. Of course, since the first divorce conversation, he has not lost his temper and we are getting along better than ever before. We are semi-separated at this point. He's finally accepted that. This is what I want and is willing to just get it done already. And now I'm getting scared. Being a single parent (we have one child in elementary school) it's the last thing that I ever wanted. But I've been dreaming for years about not being married to him anymore. I know that if I stay, I will never be able to trust the peace in our home, even if he never ever loses his temper again, and I will never feel love for him. I'll just be sleep walking through the rest of my life.

Is it typical to get cold feet about divorce?

Did you ever do therapy -- individual or joint? If you're clear on your issues, you just leave. However, I wouldn't want to take my issues with me. That's the only way I'd have peace. We talked about splitting, had individual therapy for a year and joint therapy for a year. Decided to stay together, but I felt like I had a handle on my own issues that I'd worked on.

[Anonymous]

^^And wouldn't have second guessed leaving if that had been my decision because I'd be clear on my desires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is possible to rebuild and fall back in love again, with a lot of hard work and commitment. You need the help of a Gottman style marriage therapist. And he needs to start working with a anger management therapist ASAP

Please please give it a try, and see if you can save your family and get back to the man you once loved

Be careful with this advice- DH lasted almost a year on his best behavior after 18 years married, 1 year separated and I thought he had finally gone back to his old self- (happy, loving, charming, not the narc jerk who had been showing up for almost 10 years) and we reconciled after living apart for almost a year. Well the cracks started showing about 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year- they keep creeping back up, lasting longer and now I’m the person who called wolf stuck in a shitty marriage with an almost 18 year old DC headed to college. Wondering where my life went and where do I go from here. How this person I have loved for half my life can be such a thoughtless, selfish, uncaring jerk - making digs about the pasta sauce not being hot enough, despite never cooking a meal or cleaning the house even though I work longer, harder and make 3 times what he makes.

Have you clearly said the bolded?

[Anonymous]

Have you done couples therapy? Has he done anger management classes?

It seems like he wants to work things out.

[Anonymous]

If there are kids involved, for your own peace of mind for the rest of your life, you should try everything before calling it quits. Go through a therapy process with him, and come out on the other side either a better functioning couple, or without any second thoughts bc you exhausted all remedies.

[Anonymous]

Ehhhh. You’re flip flopping.

Staying won’t improve your marriage or make the dynamics w your husband better. Seems you want him to beg you you stay.

Ma’am divorce.