Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

[Anonymous]

I’m 39 and have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We get along well day to day. We’ve had only two arguments while being together. However, when we fight he gets VERY upset. He seems to have a hard time controlling his emotions, gets overwhelmed, and says he doesn’t want to be together anymore. I try to escalate in the moment but it doesn’t work.

Both times it’s taken him a few weeks to clear his mind and realize that he overreacted. He’s under a lot of family and work stress now which he says adds to things.

This is our only problem, but it’s a big one obviously. I’m trying to figure out if this is worth trying to work on. I’d like to get married (no kids), I’ve dated a lot. Outside of this issue he’s the best partner I’ve had. But again this isn’t a little issue.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you're not wrong in those situations?

[Anonymous]

This is how he deals with minor relationship stress. How is he going to deal with big issues? Someone gets sick? Someone loses their job? Someone gets into a car accident?

A man who can't control his emotions is a major red flag, and a potential danger to any intimate partner.

And btw, it doesn't matter who is wrong, how you handle conflict is a very important skill. Him being single with no kids at 40 likely means he hasn't learn these very basic things and no one else wants him.

[Anonymous]

He threatens to break up every time you fight. Are you ok with being threatened? Would he accept your stress as a valid reason for you to fly off the handle and make threats?

You say it's the best relationship you've ever had, and it sounds dreadful. His emotions overwhelm him to the point that he lashes out, and these things rarely get better past about age 16. I'd say dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it'd be a dealbreaker for me. I want someone stable.

[Anonymous]

He's inclined to not stay together. That's why that is what bubbles up.

[Anonymous]

This would be a total dealbreaker for me

[Anonymous]

DTMFA and don’t look back.

What a loser.

Total dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be a total dealbreaker for me

+1

[Anonymous]

It actually sounds like he's just looking for an excuse to leave. The fight is a convenient excuse, he's just too chicken sh*t to follow through. He throws a temper tantrum expecting YOU to do his dirty work. He sounds like an unstable AH.

[Anonymous]

I have to say that when DH and I quarrel I have trouble managing my emotions and have screamed "then just divorce me!" at least 5 times during our 40 year marriage. Obviously I am a deeply flawed person. But that it takes OP's BF "weeks" to come to his senses and and reassess it troubling. I usually am ashamed and remorseful in minutes.

[Anonymous]

Absolute Dealbreaker. You know this. Move on.

[Anonymous]

It is and has been a dealbreaker for me but that's because I can't handle putting things on the back burner for two weeks while someone figures themself out. I don't need immediate resolution, but I couldn't handle this.

My husband and I dealt with our differences in handling conflict when we were dating (he didn't do anything like this, but his reaction to things was rooted in his childhood and didn't make sense to me until we addressed it). My husband was willing to do the work to figure out what his childhood had done to him and take the steps to keep it from affecting us (as was I). So it's possible your boyfriend would be willing to do the same, but honestly, the intensity of his reaction makes me wonder if it will ever get better.

At the end of the day though, the only question that matters is if it would be a dealbreaker for YOU.

[Anonymous]

Op, let me tell you my experience with a situation like this. I am 44 and just broke up with my GF/fiancee who is 43 of 3 years. At starting, things were good and we only had 3-4 arguments during the first year but after that things started going downhill, after every argument she got very worked up when I tried telling her calmly that I would handle anything that she has an issue with. Keep in mind that I am very well educated, makes a lot more than her and covered all our expenses including vacations, expensive gifts etc. Things would be good for a month or two and then it would blow up and she would shut down for days or run out of the house and then get normal like nothing has happened. Some of the issues happened when she was pushing me to handle my kids issue in the way she found right and I told her I'll take care of it after the weekend but she kept on nagging me. Of course, I am at fault with a few of these things and reacted poorly when pushed too far as I don't like to be controlled but she would never say sorry that easily. Shutting down and threatening the relationship was her default and it never made me feel safe in the relationship after the first year. Eventually, I broke up with her and went no-contact. She would write me long texts/emails as how she would work on things along with a list of items which followed by an angry text if I didn't respond. You guys need therapy and he also needs individual counseling otherwise please bail.

[Anonymous]

Dealbreaker