Stepping on toes

[Anonymous]

I need to vent… my ex husband introduced his new gf to the kids for the first time yesterday. Their first activity together was getting the kids’ ears pierced. I am ok with the piercing, although it would have been nice to have a heads up, or be offered the chance to be present or take them myself.

Ex has a history of doing this. A previous gf took my daughter shopping for her first bra, the next gf inserted herself into a stepmom role for several years before kicking ex and my kids out of her house one night and never speaking to them again. Now he has this new gf he introduced to them weeks before Christmas… no doubt he intends to have her there at Christmas (we alternate holidays and he has the kids for Christmas this year).

He knows my feelings on missing out on “milestones” with the kids (like the bra shopping). Why should another woman get to do these things with my kids when she is new in their life and most likely not permanent? I don’t understand why a woman who has her own kids wouldn’t recognize that perhaps ear piercing was an activity that a mother would like to be involved in. As a mother l, I feel like she would know this. My ex is oblivious and/or enjoys trying to get a reaction out of me.

I don’t have control over any of this, I’m really just venting. I feel like I need to give ex a list of things I would like to be present for…. teaching them to drive, prom dress shopping, etc. Missing out on things I expected to do as a family is one of the hardest aspects of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is a teenager right? Can you talk to her about this? I love my mom, but I didn't put nearly as many feelings into these experiences as she did. I never found them to be milestones to be made a big deal out of, so it wouldn't occur to me that it would be something my mom would have wanted to do with me. Don't make her feel guilty about it, but you can head off the issues like prom by talking to her now about how you'd like to be the one to take her. Or whatever other experiences you're looking forward to. Personally, I think having multiple people teach someone to drive is better than just one.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he would use that list for his girlfriends.

I think you should try to reprioritize things like ear piercing and bra shopping, since you can’t control it anyway. These things honestly aren’t particularly important in the scheme of things. It’s good that these women are trying to be kind to your kids. It could be so much worse. I’m sorry you feel left out.

[Anonymous]

Yes, one is a teen, the other is 10. I know in the big picture these events are not overly significant (more sentimental to me than the kids). It just feels disrespectful that I birthed, raised, and sacrifice so much as a mother, and then random women get to have experiences with them that I can’t. I know they’ll have multiple adults teaching them to drive, etc. But I would compare this to allowing a random new boyfriend of mine to take our kid for her first drive, instead of asking if her dad would like to.

I can almost guarantee that ex would like me to bring this up, so that I appear like the crazy ex to this new woman. She’ll have to learn about him on her own. I do feel like there is a mom code she is breaking. I wouldn’t pack her kid up and take them to their first college dorm or something. Blah.

[Anonymous]

I can talk to my older daughter about this, but I don’t want to make her feel bad. She’s already stuck meeting and spending time with another of her dad’s girlfriends, and she’s old enough to recognize that they’ve all been temporary.

[Anonymous]

I think you handle it be being proactive and finding other ways to celebrate the milestones. Like a trip out just to buy earrings or maybe a jewelry box to store them. Maybe a first trip to Pink for bras. With homecoming and prom dresses, you know when they will be happening so start to make dates with your girls to do them. For prom make a jewelry shopping event and a shoe shopping day.

I’m sure this is frustrating but you can’t keep being second to planning for these things if it’s important to you and if you are second you need to find a way to insert yourself into the milestone.

[Anonymous]

You are right. I can plan farther ahead for things that I consider milestones. I feel calmer…. was definitely needing to vent.

[Anonymous]

Looks like he’s your ex for good reasons. Be proactive making plans with your kids for milestones that feel important to you. Don’t hand him a list, just quietly do your thing.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your older daughter and let her know that it's really important to you to get to take her dress shopping for prom and homecoming. So if Dad all of a sudden springs on her that he and Tiffani want to take her shopping, she can deflect and say, "Sorry, Mom and I already have plans to shop next Saturday."

Beyond that, I would not mention a thing to your ex. He wants that. He did this to provoke you. Don't give him the satisfaction or power. It's good he is your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your older daughter and let her know that it's really important to you to get to take her dress shopping for prom and homecoming. So if Dad all of a sudden springs on her that he and Tiffani want to take her shopping, she can deflect and say, "Sorry, Mom and I already have plans to shop next Saturday."

Beyond that, I would not mention a thing to your ex. He wants that. He did this to provoke you. Don't give him the satisfaction or power. It's good he is your ex.

That’s so not fair to the child. It’s not the child’s responsibility to manage this and the child has no ability make things happen in a way mom’s feelings are protected. Also it could alienate dad and that’s also not fair to suggest a child do that. What a way to set up a child to fail and feel terrible about it.

It’s so easy for OP to be proactive and do things early. And, in those situations where a first happens with dad, figure out another first for the situation. Don’t let dad define what matters.

[Anonymous]

I feel your frustration OP. Your XH probably knows these are things you would want to do with your kids so he’s intentionally planning them to get a rise out of you. I agree with the PP that you take your daughter out to pick out a special pair of earrings with you- I guarantee that memory will stay much longer with her than the act of getting her ears pierced.

I’m sure you already know this but vent to us, don’t make a deal out of it with your XH and never let on any of this bothers you.

[Anonymous]

If you give him a list of milestones that are important to you, I guarantee he will use it as a guide to try to take over all of it.

Don’t do it!

The only thing you can do is give him no reaction. Look up gray rock and use those strategies

[Anonymous]

Do the things that are important to you first.

Also, if your DD needed a first bra , why didn’t you already get her one? I wonder if that’s a case of everyone seeing a need but you didn’t take care of it so they did.

[Anonymous]

Ear piercing should be joint but why are you not doing things like getting your daughter's bras?

[Anonymous]

I was the mom who felt slighted by these things but later came to realize it is good to have help. Now, I would pay good money to have someone take over Prom prep from my plate. It would certainly preserve my sanity, time and money.