Stepping on toes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your older daughter and let her know that it's really important to you to get to take her dress shopping for prom and homecoming. So if Dad all of a sudden springs on her that he and Tiffani want to take her shopping, she can deflect and say, "Sorry, Mom and I already have plans to shop next Saturday."

Beyond that, I would not mention a thing to your ex. He wants that. He did this to provoke you. Don't give him the satisfaction or power. It's good he is your ex.

oh god please don't put this on your kid to handle.

op, I get it. but I think you need to just let this slide rather than turning it into a Thing.

It is okay to communicate your needs and wants to your kids. It really is. It helps for kids to know what is important to you. That would be different than holding the kids responsible for holding a line for you or resenting them if they don’t. But it’s really a gift to make your hopes and needs clear rather than being passive. And it is excellent modeling for your child on how to handle difficult relationships.

No it really isn't. OP can talk to her ex but putting the child in the middle isn't fair to them. Telling your child they need to push back against their dad and stand up for your needs against him and be the one to not let him do things that might upset you is so incredibly unhealthy. The fact that you think using your kids as pawns is quite unfortunate. If OP has an issue - she should be an adult and talk to her ex, not expect her children to be the go between. It isn't on the child if OP is unhappy, or the child's repsonsiblity to manage the conflict between the parents. If mom and dad both inundate the child with their needs and wants and expect the child to manage not only their own needs and wants but also mom and dads - well you are creating a mess.

That would be reasonable if her ex was a reasonable person but clearly he is not. You don’t have a girlfriend take your daughter bra shopping or ear piercing. That’s outrageous.

The daughter is not a 4 year old, and it is helpful to know what parent priorities are because she has to manage living in two households and her dad is looking to score points to hurt mom. So if the dad says it’s important to teach her to drive and the mom says it’s important to her to take her in her first college visits, it’s good to get that out into the open. I’m NOT saying hold the child responsible for one adult’s priories or needs if the other adult enjoys getting their goat, but if her dad’s girlfriend is like, “hey, let’s go pen dress shopping!” She could at least be informed in her own mind that this is something her mom really wanted to do with her and make that decision for herself, rather than finding out after the fact that her mom was so sad to miss it, if she would rather have gone with her mom in the first place.

As a stepmom to a teen who is now in her 30s, I had to work hard to negotiate this because my stepdaughter was on kick to use me to hurt her mom’s feelings, as her mom had made some awful decisions moving in a guy she had just met int their apartment and basically ignoring my SD for her whole sophomore and most of junior year. I was not yet engaged to her dad but we had been dating for more than 2 years so she liked me well enough and basically lived full time with her dad after the awful boyfriend (who ended up dying a heroin addict? But that’s another story) moved in with her mom. We were polite and cordial but after her mom told her they were getting married with a week’s notice, all of a sudden she started posting on social media about her “2nd mom” and all the cool things we would do together. And it worked to really get her mom’s goat. When it came time for prom dress shopping she posted (without telling me) that she couldn’t wait to shop for dresses with her dad and 2nd mom and I ended up having a talk with her mom just to be upfront about how this wasn’t coming from me and I wasn’t trying to usurp her, but this was her daughter’s way to express how hurt she felt about the wedding being sprung on her.

It’s okay for adults to talk to kids about their feelings and needs at that age. You have to model how to negotiate successful relationships within a family.