When your kid starts to figure out his family is different.

[Anonymous]

My four year old nephew lives with his Dad who has full legal and physical custody. He sees relatives on his mom's side regularly, but only see his mom a few times a month for a few hours at that time, and during that time she does not interact with him much at all. He has no memory of her ever fixing him a meal, or reading him a story, or being alone with him.

This is how it's been since he can remember, and until recently he has simply accepted the idea that all families are different, and that he has lots of people who love and care for him. But in the past few months he has realized that most children live with their mothers, either all the time or maybe half time if the parents are divorced. He is asking a tons of questions about mommies and whether other people's mommy's love them, etc . . .

Has anyone helped a child make sense with this, or come to terms with it?

[Anonymous]

Either you or his Dad need to get him some age appropriate books about different families.
Todd Parr- The Family book ( I think that’s what it’s called)
There’s a Sesame Street book called “ were different, were the same”

We are a 2 mom white family with an adopted child of color.
When DD was about 2 at a gym class one day there was a Dad. And she said “ that’s a daddy, I no have a daddy, I have a mommy and a mama”
Big smile on her face because she was all proud she’d spotted the difference or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either you or his Dad need to get him some age appropriate books about different families.
Todd Parr- The Family book ( I think that’s what it’s called)
There’s a Sesame Street book called “ were different, were the same”

We are a 2 mom white family with an adopted child of color.
When DD was about 2 at a gym class one day there was a Dad. And she said “ that’s a daddy, I no have a daddy, I have a mommy and a mama”
Big smile on her face because she was all proud she’d spotted the difference or something.

He has all those books, and friends and relatives with 2 dads or 2 moms or who split time between two households. But none of them really cover his scenario. There are no cheery family books that talk about having a mom who you only see rarely.

[Anonymous]

I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

[Anonymous]

He’s still so young, and likely needs simple but consistent reassurance for now.

Expressing that his mom loves him but is ill and can’t be there most of the time might comfort him, without creating too much stress or expectation.

Obviously, dad consistently reassuring him of his love, and that he’ll stay with him always, is also very important.

[Anonymous]

So the answer you give is one that is appropriate for a 4 yr old. "Mommy is too sick to live with you. It's not the kind of sickness you can catch but it is the kind that means you can't do some things, like take care of a child."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the answer you give is one that is appropriate for a 4 yr old. "Mommy is too sick to live with you. It's not the kind of sickness you can catch but it is the kind that means you can't do some things, like take care of a child."

She isn’t sick in a way that prevents her from taking care of him. She had PPD, but that is resolved.

[Anonymous]

Just say mommy loves you in her own way. People love differently too. And focus him on all the people that love and take care of him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say mommy loves you in her own way. People love differently too. And focus him on all the people that love and take care of him

+1

[Anonymous]

Mommy isn’t able to take care of ANY babies or children. (So he doesn’t think there is something wrong with him specifically ). She knows that she can’t take care of children, and Daddy can take care of children. So you live with Daddy. Both Mommy and Daddy love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mommy isn’t able to take care of ANY babies or children. (So he doesn’t think there is something wrong with him specifically ). She knows that she can’t take care of children, and Daddy can take care of children. So you live with Daddy. Both Mommy and Daddy love you.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

You need to separate your feelings about his mother from everything you say to him about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

PP. What I meant by lurid or rude were things that might be true but beyond the understanding of a child. Like about an affair or something like that. Or dramatic, emotionally-loaded remarks.

I would definitely go for something like a polite explanation of a mental illness. I would not say "doesn't like being your mommy". I would say "She is a different kind of person. She doesn't feel a lot of loving feelings and she wants to be by herself a lot. She is this way with everybody". I don't think that sounds rude.

From what I've read, it's very important to make sure the child doesn't conclude that they are at fault. Saying "doesn't like being your mommy" leaves room for the kid to interpret that it could be their fault.

My family's pretty healthy but we had one negative maternal relationship a few generations back. The grownup family explanation was "She had too many kids, too close together". That's factual. If course there were some tremendous emotional impacts. But the factual statement is a lot better than "She couldn't stand being the mother of five small children, and broke under the pressure." The latter statement is what I mean by lurid. Your second statement above about "falling in love with a baby" tends in that direction. Not factual and doesn't describe how everybody bonds with their babies. "Brain is sick" is a little closer to where I'd head but I would soften that for a five year old.

At least this kid gets to see the mom. The kids who never do seem to have lots of questions and doubts. If you can keep reinforcing that the kid's dad loves them and that the mom has personal issues but still wants to make an effort on occasion because that's all she can do, I think it will be understood well enough.

A final thought or two about books...anybody can make a book these days. Maybe you can make a book out of photos of the kid and the dad. My youngest had an infant safe photo album that had pictures of family in it. There's also a board book called "I Love My Daddy Because..." (It has a companion book for moms...but obviously that is not useful for you here.) Maybe there's something in adoption books that will have helpful language about absent bio moms?

I wish you luck finding the right didactic material. Make sure the dad is on board with whatever messages you select.

[Anonymous]

PP above again. The mom I mention above is 3 generations ago. Those of us who look at her story without having known her believe PPD was the reason for her psychological issues. 2 of her 4 daughters chose not to have kids...likely because of this. Words and explanations do matter.

I also have a suggestion. If the mom is bad at relating to her son, it might be helpful if they do really fun things together when they do meet. Like a really fun craft or exciting aquarium visit or whatever. For a young child, the positive halo effect of fun from another source may spackle over the awkwardness or flat affect of the mother.