When your kid starts to figure out his family is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

“Her brain is sick so she can’t do things that other Mommies can do.”

That isn’t hurtful. It wasn’t hard to phrase it that way.

We adopted DS as a young teen. His birth mom was a relative of DH. She really wasn’t able to ever parent him even with lots of support. Luckily, he had a lot of other people in his life that showered him with love. Stability was the piece that was missing, though. We had to provide that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

You need to separate your feelings about his mother from everything you say to him about her.

This, for sure. You may not be the one who can talk about it in a way that is helpful for a kid, given your framing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

Yes you can you do not want to.

[Anonymous]

It's never come up for my son. Lots of different families. That said, your explanations are super hurtful. Don't add to the trauma please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's never come up for my son. Lots of different families. That said, your explanations are super hurtful. Don't add to the trauma please.

Those were examples of things I wouldn’t say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

You need to separate your feelings about his mother from everything you say to him about her.

I know that. That is literally why I am here asking. Because if I followed the direction to explain the “true” reason it would come out like the above, and those are obviously not the right things.

He has siblings who also live with Dad but who get a lot more attention from her, so the “she can’t take care of any child” explanation doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

You need to separate your feelings about his mother from everything you say to him about her.

I know that. That is literally why I am here asking. Because if I followed the direction to explain the “true” reason it would come out like the above, and those are obviously not the right things.

He has siblings who also live with Dad but who get a lot more attention from her, so the “she can’t take care of any child” explanation doesn’t work.

OK. Do you think she doesn't like conversations with small children - is this age dependent? Does she resent him for being the straw that broke the camel's back? Are the older children more bonded to her?

This is a long shot but have you carefully discussed feelings with the older children? A younger child is likely to hear the older siblings' explanations of "what is wrong with mom". Perhaps it might help to know their thoughts. Ask the dad if he knows.

I would go with "Mom has trouble feeling feelings and wants to live by herself". Not entirely satisfactory but it might work.

Sometimes I remember my friends from Russia who grew up not knowing their dads. They were o.k. about it and much of the mindset that having one loving parent is enough. There are a lot of deadbeat dad issues in Russia because it is a unhealthy and dangerous place for low-income men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

His mom is sick. Mental illness is a sickness like anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mommy isn’t able to take care of ANY babies or children. (So he doesn’t think there is something wrong with him specifically ). She knows that she can’t take care of children, and Daddy can take care of children. So you live with Daddy. Both Mommy and Daddy love you.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom. But isn't lurid or rude.

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be. But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

His mom is sick. Mental illness is a sickness like anything else.

A child with a physically sick mom might also need help understanding why his mom
isn’t available to spend time with him. They might also feel sadness as they come to terms with their mother being different from other moms.