Reply to When your kid starts to figure out his family is different.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would develop an explanation that aligns with the true issue with his mom.  But isn't lurid or rude.[/quote]

I am not sure what a lurid or rude explanation would be.  But a true explanation might be

“She doesn’t like being your mommy.”

“She didn’t fall in love with you when you were a baby because her brain was sick.”

I can’t really come up with a way that isn’t hurtful.

[/quote]

PP.  What I meant by lurid or rude were things that might be true but beyond the understanding of a child.  Like about an affair or something like that. Or dramatic, emotionally-loaded remarks.

I would definitely go for something like a polite explanation of a mental illness.  I would not say "doesn't like being your mommy".  I would say "She is a different kind of person.  She doesn't feel a lot of loving feelings and she wants to be by herself a lot.  She is this way with everybody".  I don't think that sounds rude.

From what I've read, it's very important to make sure the child doesn't conclude that they are at fault. Saying "doesn't like being your mommy" leaves room for the kid to interpret that it could be their fault.

My family's pretty healthy but we had one negative maternal relationship a few generations back.  The grownup family explanation was "She had too many kids, too close together".  That's factual.  If course there were some tremendous emotional impacts.  But the factual statement is a lot better than "She couldn't stand being the mother of five small children, and broke under the pressure."  The latter statement is what I mean by lurid.  Your second statement above about "falling in love with a baby" tends in that direction.  Not factual and doesn't describe how everybody bonds with their babies.  "Brain is sick" is a little closer to where I'd head but I would soften that for a five year old.

At least this kid gets to see the mom.  The kids who never do seem to have lots of questions and doubts.  If you can keep reinforcing that the kid's dad loves them and that the mom has personal issues but still wants to make an effort on occasion because that's all she can do, I think it will be understood well enough.

A final thought or two about books...anybody can make a book these days. Maybe you can make a book out of photos of the kid and the dad.  My youngest had an infant safe photo album that had pictures of family in it.  There's also a board book called "I Love My Daddy Because..."  (It has a companion book for moms...but obviously that is not useful for you here.)  Maybe there's something in adoption books that will have helpful language about absent bio moms?

I wish you luck finding the right didactic material. Make sure the dad is on board with whatever messages you select.

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