Getting unstuck post divorce

[Anonymous]

How do you find peace and acceptance post divorce? Especially if you were dumped. I find myself doing really well for days and weeks and then XH does something stupid and hurtful to me or our kids and it feels fresh again. I’ve learned to laugh at the little stuff and just keep moving. But sometimes it’s just too big and I get stuck. I really, really want to move past this part of my life. I’m tired of being sad. How do you quickly shut down the sadness/anger spiral? I’ve got a therapist, and it’s first on the list for the next session. But if you’ve been in this crappy place, what helped you get unstuck?

[Anonymous]

What’s he doing that’s so hurtful?

[Anonymous]

Gurl ….
Detach.
Limit your contact.
Care wayyyyy less

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s he doing that’s so hurtful?

OP here, I’m trying really hard not to focus on the upset or causes of it, and more how I can reframe things as they come. There are things that would be nothing to some and enraging to others – everyone had their own sensitivities. I do not react or take bait, other than internally. It’s 100% about me trying to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s he doing that’s so hurtful?

OP here, I’m trying really hard not to focus on the upset or causes of it, and more how I can reframe things as they come. There are things that would be nothing to some and enraging to others – everyone had their own sensitivities. I do not react or take bait, other than internally. It’s 100% about me trying to move on.

I think that you recognize that it’s a journey, but not a linear one. It’s three steps forward, two steps back. Soon it’s 10 steps forward and one back. Time plus therapy plus creating new “normals” and habits plus allowing yourself to grieve will eventually lead to a place where you’re in a completely new place.

Give yourself grace to be on that journey right now. Time has to pass, and there’s nothing you can do to speed that up. Try not to beat yourself up when you find yourself upset or taking the bait or whatever. Stay the course with all the things you are doing to move forward.

Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same struggle but still in the divorce process. I think it’s made worse because most of the resources I’ve found for women in this situation are from the perspective of a woman who has initiated the divorce, and are very congratulatory and focused on celebrating her choice to empower herself. It is much more unusual for a DH to initiate divorce, so it is no surprise that the feelings that come from the other side would be more lonely, isolating, long-lasting, or shameful. I feel that me not initiating the divorce gave DH a huge sense of power and control that he enjoys wielding, and you might be in a similar situation, OP.

I have really bad days and days when I don’t even think of it, but I am trying to make peace with the fact that his decision is a reflection of him and his character and is not a reflection of me.

It is very difficult to not react or take his bait. I only communicate in writing and am working on routines to manage my physical response to things like when he files motions, sends nasty emails, or says awful things to our kids.

[Anonymous]

Are you the one who can’t ski anymore because your ex stopped you from going to the ski house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the one who can’t ski anymore because your ex stopped you from going to the ski house?

😩

[Anonymous]

This is OP. No – I’m definitely not the ski house person.

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same struggle but still in the divorce process. I think it’s made worse because most of the resources I’ve found for women in this situation are from the perspective of a woman who has initiated the divorce, and are very congratulatory and focused on celebrating her choice to empower herself. It is much more unusual for a DH to initiate divorce, so it is no surprise that the feelings that come from the other side would be more lonely, isolating, long-lasting, or shameful. I feel that me not initiating the divorce gave DH a huge sense of power and control that he enjoys wielding, and you might be in a similar situation, OP.

I have really bad days and days when I don’t even think of it, but I am trying to make peace with the fact that his decision is a reflection of him and his character and is not a reflection of me.

It is very difficult to not react or take his bait. I only communicate in writing and am working on routines to manage my physical response to things like when he files motions, sends nasty emails, or says awful things to our kids.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, too. Yes, I’ve found the same congratulatory resources, and even among friends, I am an outlier. It’s feels very isolating and I’m working on not feeling so ashamed – for being so unceremoniously dumped, for not seeing it coming, and for struggling so hard to put a happy face on this.

Similarly, I only communicate in writing and even that is as infrequently as possible. I think it has saved my sanity. It helps to be able to go back and see exactly what was said, although that doesn’t stop his gaslighting and outright lying. Much like you, I have days when I don’t think about it and am doing fine and have had some huge personal wins. And then he does/says something cruel and I feel myself backsliding into the abyss.

I think that you recognize that it’s a journey, but not a linear one. It’s three steps forward, two steps back. Soon it’s 10 steps forward and one back. Time plus therapy plus creating new “normals” and habits plus allowing yourself to grieve will eventually lead to a place where you’re in a completely new place.

Give yourself grace to be on that journey right now. Time has to pass, and there’s nothing you can do to speed that up. Try not to beat yourself up when you find yourself upset or taking the bait or whatever. Stay the course with all the things you are doing to move forward.

Peace to you.

Thank you for this. I think the holidays really shine a light on things that I try to ignore day to day. I try to do nice things for myself from time to time and remember that it was a hugely disruptive life event and I’m doing the best that I can.

Logically, I know there’s no fast forward. I’m working through it. I’m in a far better place than I was when the bomb was dropped, and that’s important to remember.

Thank you both.