How to talk to dd about friend who constantly baits her ?
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Anonymous
| My 15 yo dd has a friend who she isn’t particularly close with but whenever she’s over I hear the friend constantly if she likes certain people. I also overhear this girl talking about people the majority of the time that she’s over. I think this friend is trying to find her group - to her credit I think she has tried to be proactive with making friends but I also sense she might be trying to make friends by sharing gossip that she gathers. When I overhear the conversations it really feels like she’s baiting my daughter to say something negative about others. My daughter is not the most socially savvy so I’m not sure she picks up on this. I want to tell my daughter what I think her friend is doing but also don’t want to be negative about her friend or create paranoia. How do I educate my daughter without it coming off as criticizing the friend or being negative? |
Anonymous
| "Girls, stop gossiping. Gabi, stop pumping Larla for gossip." |
Anonymous
Personally I would not do this in front of the other girl. If anything I would gently mention to your daugher what you've seen and ask her what she thinks...offering your advice if she seems amenable. |
Anonymous
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she’s at an age where anything you say she may or may not heed your advice.
I say teens have to learn the hard way. This once happened to my daughter and i heard them discussing in the car. I knew anything i said would be criticized. She came out of it in a bad way where the friend shared their negative discussion w others of course not including their role in it and she lost friends. We did discuss it a few weeks later. I asked what she thought and how to move forward. She said be careful who you trust and also recognized her own mistakes. good luck OP!! teen girl drama is hard especially when they haven’t found their circle of trust yet |
Anonymous
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Tell her, not in connection with naming this girl specifically, but tell her about the evils of gossiping, how people can report what you said, feelings get hurt, etc. And this includes listening to or reacting to gossip, not just stating gossip yourself.
Stress to her that it’s best to keep things positive or neutral. And if someone is fishing around for gossip, then you need to be especially on your guard. Safest is to never say something about someone that you wouldn’t say to their face. Being two-faced is not being our best selves. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I'm just very direct and don't care that much about managing people's feelings. |
Anonymous
| I would make sure to mention that if this person is gossipping to you then they are most likely gossiping about you as well. |
Anonymous
| If you're eavesdropping you've already heard what your DD said. Just stay out of it. Let her manage. |
Anonymous
| I'm pp and if you can't help yourself, just send her a link to an article about gossip or bring it up naturally at dinner. Don't associate it with this friend. |
Anonymous
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I agree with talking with your DD, when the friend isn't around, about gossip generally, but not making it about her friend. Make it about you sharing your values with her and talking about why you choose not to gossip in your own life, or how you handle it when a friend starts talking about others to avoid engaging in gossip.
One thing I have done with my daughter regarding gossip is tell her a personal story from my past about being the subject of gossip and how it hurt me. One element of this story that really resonated with my daughter is that the gossip was not true, and in fact this was one reason it got passed along like wildfire. People wanted to talk about it because it was information that seemed contrary to what they knew about me, and that made people enthusiastic to discuss it. It felt "juicy" specifically because it was improbable. I have enough emotional distance from this memory to talk about it with DD without getting emotional or upset, so the conversation isn't about her feeling sorry for me or trying to make me feel better. I think that's key. Your child is not your therapist. Instead, I use it as an object lesson for why I don't gossip and why I hope she won't either. I also tell her that I did gossip sometimes before that happened, so it was a lesson for me as well. And now whenever I hear information about someone, I always think about whether they would personally want me to pass that information on before I talk about it with anyone else. I also question sources when people tell me about others and never trust info about another person unless I have first person knowledge or know it from them directly -- people lie, misunderstand, and misremember. |
Anonymous
Yes, please tell her this! I learned this the hard way much later in life than I should have. One thing about being someone who doesn't gossip is that you don't realize how it worked. I mistakenly thought that when people shared gossip with me they were telling me, not to gossip, but because they knew I'd never share it with anyone else. I thought they were confiding. in me because I was trustworthy. And then I'd confide in them. It literally never occurred to me that they were discussing everything I told them with everyone they knew. Because I don't have a gossip mentality, I just didn't get it. |
Anonymous
| My 11 y/o still takes my advice so this may not work for your situation, but I observed something similar recently and later told my daughter about the old adage that interesting people talk about ideas and boring people talk about other people. |
Anonymous
Not at 15. These are freshman or sophomores in HS and you are eavesdropping. You don’t know how close they are and stop listening to their conversations. Let your daughter manage this. |
Anonymous
| But adding to my post above, in general tell your DD not to talk about others negatively and especially not to post things online if she needs some help socially. Gossip will get around. Don’t mention this friend and bring it up casually. |
Anonymous
Ok but inintended consequence would be that DD no longer talks with friends in front of you. |