DD says “I’ll never have good friends”

[Anonymous]

DD10 started a new school last year. Last year was socially tough; she was “friendly” with a bunch of kids, but no one she considered “friends”. I’d volunteer at school events and see her alone a lot. This year, she’s in a different class & socially it’s definitely better. When I see her at birthday parties & class events, she’s never alone anymore, she’s always talking with other girls. She’s been invited to play dates a couple times vs. zero times last year. I’ve gotten friendly with a few parents, and it’s probably in part because we get along, but in part also because they see their girls are friends with DD.

Even with things being so much better, DD still gets sad and says “I’ll never have good friends.” I’ve told her that things will change in middle school where kids will re-form their friend groups outside of their parents. I also think that a lot of her sadness has to do with her personality - she tends towards “glass half empty” and won’t recognize that a lot of girls are like her (i.e., casual friends only, no besties). I also think being overly focused on having good friends is self-defeating; she tends to focus on one girl, and it’s happened a couple times that the girl will start pulling away for whatever reason, then DD will get upset, maybe possessive or sensitive around said girl, which makes that girl want to pull away even more. I’ve told her to hang out with several girls instead of focusing on one, and she’ll be happier for it. But I feel like in this situation, as well as in general, she will understand and agree with what I’m saying, but still choose to be unhappy.

It makes me both sad and frustrated to see her like this. I don’t think my words help her. Should I just listen, not offer advice, and just let it go? Anything else I can do?

[Anonymous]

I'd tell her "to get good friends you have to BE a good friend" and then point to situations where she can be a good friend.

[Anonymous]

Teach her about positive thinking and the brain’s feedback loop. Explain the science to her or watch a TED Talk about it. Half full.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell her "to get good friends you have to BE a good friend" and then point to situations where she can be a good friend.

We’ve talked about how to be a good friend. I think she’s considered a nice person, and she told me the other day that one of her friends said “You’re maybe too nice.”

I think it’s hard for her to make good friends because 1) everyone already has their bestie or clique, and 2) kids this age are attracted to kids they think are cool, funny and/or popular, rather than just nice. I think not having friends last year made her on the margins “uncool”, and chances are she won’t be able to overcome this until she changes schools/goes to middle school. Because she is nice, she has friends, but those friends will always prefer their original bestie or someone they deem cool over her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach her about positive thinking and the brain’s feedback loop. Explain the science to her or watch a TED Talk about it. Half full.

Thanks, I will! I was trying to explain to her that negative/positive thinking is self-fulfilling, but a TED Talk will be much more convincing.

[Anonymous]

There is a really great book called “Growing Friendships” that she might benefit from. There are so some American Girl books on friendship that are good too. If she tends towards being too intense that can make it hard to make more than surface level friendships so I would try to help her with that.

I have a similar age daughter and there’s a lot of drama going on around her. I think friendships feel kind of vulnerable at this age because of the mean girl thing that can pop up sometimes. My DD also doesn’t have a best friend but has a few groups of friends, some good friends including some from outside activities. Can she find a friend group through an activity like GS or gymnastics or something?

[Anonymous]

What adults look for in friends and what kids look for in friends are different. Adults look for adults who get them. Kids look for kids who get them. Neither want to feel unsafe, but neither also want pollyannas, goody-two-shoes or mother Teresa. If you have a hard time making friends, check out a therapist who runs social groups.

[Anonymous]

Poor baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What adults look for in friends and what kids look for in friends are different. Adults look for adults who get them. Kids look for kids who get them. Neither want to feel unsafe, but neither also want pollyannas, goody-two-shoes or mother Teresa. If you have a hard time making friends, check out a therapist who runs social groups.

Word 🥗 salad!

[Anonymous]

The concept of a “bestie” happens but not as much as we think based on books, tv, social media. Tell her that!

Practice general gratitude in your house, not just about friends. At dinner have everyone say one thing they’re grateful for. It really can change mindsets if this is what they hear on the daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What adults look for in friends and what kids look for in friends are different. Adults look for adults who get them. Kids look for kids who get them. Neither want to feel unsafe, but neither also want pollyannas, goody-two-shoes or mother Teresa. If you have a hard time making friends, check out a therapist who runs social groups.

Word 🥗 salad!

If you think being kind makes a kid a good friend, think again. If you think that means all kids are mean, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What adults look for in friends and what kids look for in friends are different. Adults look for adults who get them. Kids look for kids who get them. Neither want to feel unsafe, but neither also want pollyannas, goody-two-shoes or mother Teresa. If you have a hard time making friends, check out a therapist who runs social groups.

Word 🥗 salad!

If you think being kind makes a kid a good friend, think again. If you think that means all kids are mean, good luck.

I don’t know what that means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What adults look for in friends and what kids look for in friends are different. Adults look for adults who get them. Kids look for kids who get them. Neither want to feel unsafe, but neither also want pollyannas, goody-two-shoes or mother Teresa. If you have a hard time making friends, check out a therapist who runs social groups.

Word 🥗 salad!

If you think being kind makes a kid a good friend, think again. If you think that means all kids are mean, good luck.

I don’t know what that means.

If you’re teaching her how to be a good friend, and she’s not making friends, you don’t know what kids want in a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What adults look for in friends and what kids look for in friends are different. Adults look for adults who get them. Kids look for kids who get them. Neither want to feel unsafe, but neither also want pollyannas, goody-two-shoes or mother Teresa. If you have a hard time making friends, check out a therapist who runs social groups.

Word 🥗 salad!

If you think being kind makes a kid a good friend, think again. If you think that means all kids are mean, good luck.

I don’t know what that means.

If you’re teaching her how to be a good friend, and she’s not making friends, you don’t know what kids want in a friend.

You’re too stupid for words

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD10 started a new school last year. Last year was socially tough; she was “friendly” with a bunch of kids, but no one she considered “friends”. I’d volunteer at school events and see her alone a lot. This year, she’s in a different class & socially it’s definitely better. When I see her at birthday parties & class events, she’s never alone anymore, she’s always talking with other girls. She’s been invited to play dates a couple times vs. zero times last year. I’ve gotten friendly with a few parents, and it’s probably in part because we get along, but in part also because they see their girls are friends with DD.

Even with things being so much better, DD still gets sad and says “I’ll never have good friends.” I’ve told her that things will change in middle school where kids will re-form their friend groups outside of their parents. I also think that a lot of her sadness has to do with her personality - she tends towards “glass half empty” and won’t recognize that a lot of girls are like her (i.e., casual friends only, no besties). I also think being overly focused on having good friends is self-defeating; she tends to focus on one girl, and it’s happened a couple times that the girl will start pulling away for whatever reason, then DD will get upset, maybe possessive or sensitive around said girl, which makes that girl want to pull away even more. I’ve told her to hang out with several girls instead of focusing on one, and she’ll be happier for it. But I feel like in this situation, as well as in general, she will understand and agree with what I’m saying, but still choose to be unhappy.

It makes me both sad and frustrated to see her like this. I don’t think my words help her. Should I just listen, not offer advice, and just let it go? Anything else I can do?

Ok this is a problem. Something is going on with your daughter, and I think the low self esteem is creating a downward feedback spiral.

My suggestion is that she find an activity that she likes and devotes herself to it for a while -- she'll get better at it, which will give her confidence that isn't dependent on other people, it will make her more interesting to her peers and she might grow close to other kids who do it.