DD says “I’ll never have good friends”

[Anonymous]

I met my best friend the first day of third grade and we are still best friends, two decades later. We were such best friends that, we talked to each other so much in class to the point that, they had to switch one of us to a different class in third grade. We went to 3rd-12th grade together but, went separate ways in college but were super mature about maintaining our friendship. There was even a 2-3 period where we didn't talk but we had such good of a friendship that it was not a big deal.

So, I understand your kids want for a bestie, me and mine were inseperateble at that age, but she still has time, and next year she'll be in middle school and I'm sure she'll be able to find a best friend if she couldn't in elementery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my best friend the first day of third grade and we are still best friends, two decades later. We were such best friends that, we talked to each other so much in class to the point that, they had to switch one of us to a different class in third grade. We went to 3rd-12th grade together but, went separate ways in college but were super mature about maintaining our friendship. There was even a 2-3 period where we didn't talk but we had such good of a friendship that it was not a big deal.

So, I understand your kids want for a bestie, me and mine were inseperateble at that age, but she still has time, and next year she'll be in middle school and I'm sure she'll be able to find a best friend if she couldn't in elementery.

That's not really helpful. I'm 39 and never found that best friend. Some people don't. I have a handful of good friends and always have someone to hang with but I'm nobody's number one. I teach my kids to diversify their friendships so they aren't dependent on one person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 started a new school last year. Last year was socially tough; she was “friendly” with a bunch of kids, but no one she considered “friends”. I’d volunteer at school events and see her alone a lot. This year, she’s in a different class & socially it’s definitely better. When I see her at birthday parties & class events, she’s never alone anymore, she’s always talking with other girls. She’s been invited to play dates a couple times vs. zero times last year. I’ve gotten friendly with a few parents, and it’s probably in part because we get along, but in part also because they see their girls are friends with DD.

Even with things being so much better, DD still gets sad and says “I’ll never have good friends.” I’ve told her that things will change in middle school where kids will re-form their friend groups outside of their parents. I also think that a lot of her sadness has to do with her personality - she tends towards “glass half empty” and won’t recognize that a lot of girls are like her (i.e., casual friends only, no besties). I also think being overly focused on having good friends is self-defeating; she tends to focus on one girl, and it’s happened a couple times that the girl will start pulling away for whatever reason, then DD will get upset, maybe possessive or sensitive around said girl, which makes that girl want to pull away even more. I’ve told her to hang out with several girls instead of focusing on one, and she’ll be happier for it. But I feel like in this situation, as well as in general, she will understand and agree with what I’m saying, but still choose to be unhappy.

It makes me both sad and frustrated to see her like this. I don’t think my words help her. Should I just listen, not offer advice, and just let it go? Anything else I can do?

Ok this is a problem. Something is going on with your daughter, and I think the low self esteem is creating a downward feedback spiral.

My suggestion is that she find an activity that she likes and devotes herself to it for a while -- she'll get better at it, which will give her confidence that isn't dependent on other people, it will make her more interesting to her peers and she might grow close to other kids who do it.

Agreed. Girls this age will clock this behavior immediately and keep those kids at arms length. My daughter is the same age and has moved schools twice. By fourth grade the friendships are pretty well established at neighborhood schools and it takes more time and patience to get beyond surface level friendships. My daughter has a relatively easy time making friends because she has good social instincts and is extroverted in an inclusive way. If a potential bestie isn’t fully reciprocating, she pulls back immediately and focuses more on the friend group than a specific person in the group. She’s also learned to be okay reading a book at recess if nobody is inviting her into their conversations/games.

It’s a bit of a dance that some kids are naturally better or worse at. For mine, the trade off is a lot of internalized anxiety and too much focus on what’s “cool” (i.e., unfortunately, skincare nonsense, fashion, and lip gloss). To be honest, I’d much rather her not care as much about social dynamics and be comfortable with a few friends. But your daughter definitely needs to stop pushing so hard and focus more on “it’s okay if I don’t have close friends at school right now.”

[Anonymous]

Have her talk to the school counselor and/or a therapist. My daughter's therapist has been really helpful with navigating social situations.

[Anonymous]

Agree- have her get an outside check with therapy BUT be sure to get recommendations first.

[Anonymous]

get therapy Rocky ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met my best friend the first day of third grade and we are still best friends, two decades later. We were such best friends that, we talked to each other so much in class to the point that, they had to switch one of us to a different class in third grade. We went to 3rd-12th grade together but, went separate ways in college but were super mature about maintaining our friendship. There was even a 2-3 period where we didn't talk but we had such good of a friendship that it was not a big deal.

So, I understand your kids want for a bestie, me and mine were inseperateble at that age, but she still has time, and next year she'll be in middle school and I'm sure she'll be able to find a best friend if she couldn't in elementery.

That's not really helpful. I'm 39 and never found that best friend. Some people don't. I have a handful of good friends and always have someone to hang with but I'm nobody's number one. I teach my kids to diversify their friendships so they aren't dependent on one person.

+1 this is an incredibly unrealistic goal for most people. I would argue the fixation on have "a bestie" actually leads more girls and women to make poor choices in friendship than results in this kind of lifelong friendship.

Also fixating on pairing off into BFFs in elementary is partly responsible for some girls feeling left out -- if we encouraged more group play and having multiple friends, you'd be less likely to see kids on the outside looking in because joining a group is a lot easier than trying to break into a pair.

And while the PP might not have experienced this, I've seen kids who are limited buy "best" friendships because it cuts them off to new things. They don't want to try out for volleyball because their bestie won't do it. They don't want to go that cool summer trip abroad with the band because their bestie won't be there. Or they'll do those things without the BFF but never fully commit to making friends in those experiences because they are always talking about their BFF who isn't there and it's off-putting to others.

I'm a 45 year old woman who has never truly had a best friend, and I have a wonderful life with a variety of longtime friends from different parts of my life and feel fulfilled and happy. You don't need a BFF. Ever.

[Anonymous]

My DD is the same in 4th grade. She's in a classroom this year where she doesn't know anyone and the girls are really cliquey. For us, there's definitely a cultural issue- she's the only white girl in her class. She's so friendly but none of the other girls will come over for playdates and they all seem to know each other outside of school. She plays with herself a lot during recess. I wish they could eat lunch at any table they wanted, but her friends at least sit at the table next to her and they can talk across the aisle during lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is the same in 4th grade. She's in a classroom this year where she doesn't know anyone and the girls are really cliquey. For us, there's definitely a cultural issue- she's the only white girl in her class. She's so friendly but none of the other girls will come over for playdates and they all seem to know each other outside of school. She plays with herself a lot during recess. I wish they could eat lunch at any table they wanted, but her friends at least sit at the table next to her and they can talk across the aisle during lunch.

Please move your daughter to a school where she isn't an "only".

Signed, someone who was an "only." That experience will mess.with your self esteem forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD10 started a new school last year. Last year was socially tough; she was “friendly” with a bunch of kids, but no one she considered “friends”. I’d volunteer at school events and see her alone a lot. This year, she’s in a different class & socially it’s definitely better. When I see her at birthday parties & class events, she’s never alone anymore, she’s always talking with other girls. She’s been invited to play dates a couple times vs. zero times last year. I’ve gotten friendly with a few parents, and it’s probably in part because we get along, but in part also because they see their girls are friends with DD.

Even with things being so much better, DD still gets sad and says “I’ll never have good friends.” I’ve told her that things will change in middle school where kids will re-form their friend groups outside of their parents. I also think that a lot of her sadness has to do with her personality - she tends towards “glass half empty” and won’t recognize that a lot of girls are like her (i.e., casual friends only, no besties). I also think being overly focused on having good friends is self-defeating; she tends to focus on one girl, and it’s happened a couple times that the girl will start pulling away for whatever reason, then DD will get upset, maybe possessive or sensitive around said girl, which makes that girl want to pull away even more. I’ve told her to hang out with several girls instead of focusing on one, and she’ll be happier for it. But I feel like in this situation, as well as in general, she will understand and agree with what I’m saying, but still choose to be unhappy.

It makes me both sad and frustrated to see her like this. I don’t think my words help her. Should I just listen, not offer advice, and just let it go? Anything else I can do?

I have a popular kid and an unpopular kid, and it's obvious why. If it's not obvious to you, then you need to ask someone with higher EQ who sees your kid in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is the same in 4th grade. She's in a classroom this year where she doesn't know anyone and the girls are really cliquey. For us, there's definitely a cultural issue- she's the only white girl in her class. She's so friendly but none of the other girls will come over for playdates and they all seem to know each other outside of school. She plays with herself a lot during recess. I wish they could eat lunch at any table they wanted, but her friends at least sit at the table next to her and they can talk across the aisle during lunch.

Please move your daughter to a school where she isn't an "only".

Signed, someone who was an "only." That experience will mess.with your self esteem forever.

DP. In my case my sons are at a Catholic school where they are getting an excellent education, but by coincidence one son is the only white boy in his class. Do you really think that is a reason to leave the school? He might have just as much trouble making friends elsewhere.