Are middle schoolers generally awful to each other?

[Anonymous]

My 8th grade ds is having a tough year. Kids are teasing him and making snide remarks to him. He moved from private to public school this year. But he had some friends in town so he knew people. It’s hard for me to tell if he’s being bullied or outcast or if he is just being sensitive to middle schoolers being rude middle schoolers. Like he said he will say things and some rude boys will say, “no one cares” some girl called him “Billy badass” today in response to something he said. I can’t tell if this is normal

[Anonymous]

Yes. I'm not excusing it, and I hope my 7th grader is kind (we talk a lot about it) but as a group they are awful.

The best path is to get him into an activity where he has or can make friends and positive interactions, so that school isn't his only social time.

[Anonymous]

My son has experienced the same thing. I’m also not sure how much it’s bothering him. I had heard of mean girls but mean boys has been just as bad!! I’m telling him and very much hoping that all this petty dumb mean MS stuff doesn’t happen when he goes to HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has experienced the same thing. I’m also not sure how much it’s bothering him. I had heard of mean girls but mean boys has been just as bad!! I’m telling him and very much hoping that all this petty dumb mean MS stuff doesn’t happen when he goes to HS.

Generally, kids chill out a lot by the middle of 9th grade. Being in the same building as juniors and seniors doing their thing is helpful.

But there are outliers, and sometimes meanness. It's just less big and loud.

[Anonymous]

Middle School is and always has been the absolute worst.

[Anonymous]

Yes middle schoolers can be really awful. It’s a terrible age for group dynamics. It makes you feel bad about humanity.

It gets better. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

My husband has been a public middle school teacher for 25 years. It is the only grade span he was insistent that we send our kids to private school.

What he regularly observes is that kids at that age will do things in a group that they would never do alone. So most kids wouldn't make an unprovoked snide remark to another student but put them in a group and someone can say something and another person in the group will make another snide comment then the rest of the group will laugh. Some of the behaviors that student engage in are so much worse when they are in a group and they do things they wouldn't dream of doing alone.

So unless you are a really secure kid or one who just doesn't care at all, you are slightly on edge when you speak in a group because someone might turn on you and the group will go along with it. So if someone else is being teased there can be a sense of relief it isn't you so you go along and laugh at someone else.

So what I noticed with my son (and of course it could be our experience is unique) was by 3rd grade at his large well regarded public school that students were cut down by other students if you couldn't do something well, if you tripped, if you missed scoring a goal, if you said something that wasn't perceived as being cool. There were at least 100 student per grade level. My son and best friend had other friends, were included, and always played sports with other kids at recess, so it wasn't something that we really noticed.

When my son started 4th grade at a private religious school (were aren't religious but it was what we could afford and it was close to our house) were there were around 30 kids in his grade. What I immediately noticed was that the students were much friendlier. The first day of class when the students lined up the boy in front of him did a double take and turned around. My son looked a little wary like he was going to say something mean, but the kid said - hi, you must be new and introduced himself and gave him a high five and turned back around in line.

That really was his experience until he finished 8th grade. There of course was some teasing but it was much gentler. He gradually became much more outgoing. It wasn't that he was shy before but he just got so much practice speaking to other students and staff members without any negativity. There were more opportunities to say something even if it came out a little goofy without fear of being laughed at, speak in class, present in front of the whole school, etc. So that became his expectation that if you speak to someone else, they will be friendly.

He is back at public high school with his best friend and his friend's parents comment how outgoing our son became because they have noticed he just has an easier time now speaking to other students as well as to adults in the community. When they were together in elementary school they really had the same temperament.

[Anonymous]

Middle school comes by its reputation honestly…yes, it can be awful.

I’m sorry your son is experiencing this. My DS went thru this starting half-way thru middle school and it wasn’t fun. Things were so much better in 9th grade.

To be honest I didn’t mind so much when Covid caused my younger kid to be in virtual school for the end of 7th grade and nearly all of 8th grade. That timing skipped the madness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been a public middle school teacher for 25 years. It is the only grade span he was insistent that we send our kids to private school.

What he regularly observes is that kids at that age will do things in a group that they would never do alone. So most kids wouldn't make an unprovoked snide remark to another student but put them in a group and someone can say something and another person in the group will make another snide comment then the rest of the group will laugh. Some of the behaviors that student engage in are so much worse when they are in a group and they do things they wouldn't dream of doing alone.

So unless you are a really secure kid or one who just doesn't care at all, you are slightly on edge when you speak in a group because someone might turn on you and the group will go along with it. So if someone else is being teased there can be a sense of relief it isn't you so you go along and laugh at someone else.

So what I noticed with my son (and of course it could be our experience is unique) was by 3rd grade at his large well regarded public school that students were cut down by other students if you couldn't do something well, if you tripped, if you missed scoring a goal, if you said something that wasn't perceived as being cool. There were at least 100 student per grade level. My son and best friend had other friends, were included, and always played sports with other kids at recess, so it wasn't something that we really noticed.

When my son started 4th grade at a private religious school (were aren't religious but it was what we could afford and it was close to our house) were there were around 30 kids in his grade. What I immediately noticed was that the students were much friendlier. The first day of class when the students lined up the boy in front of him did a double take and turned around. My son looked a little wary like he was going to say something mean, but the kid said - hi, you must be new and introduced himself and gave him a high five and turned back around in line.

That really was his experience until he finished 8th grade. There of course was some teasing but it was much gentler. He gradually became much more outgoing. It wasn't that he was shy before but he just got so much practice speaking to other students and staff members without any negativity. There were more opportunities to say something even if it came out a little goofy without fear of being laughed at, speak in class, present in front of the whole school, etc. So that became his expectation that if you speak to someone else, they will be friendly.

He is back at public high school with his best friend and his friend's parents comment how outgoing our son became because they have noticed he just has an easier time now speaking to other students as well as to adults in the community. When they were together in elementary school they really had the same temperament.

It’s odd to make this about private vs public school. Some cohorts of kids are worse than others just based on luck of draw and who the kids are in your setting. A lot of times in private school settings when there is social trouble or mean kids, there is no way to get away from them. At least in a larger setting there is hope to avoid and/or find new kids.

OP my son was definitely teased a lot in 7th/8th grade. Boys at that age can absolutely be mean. I do think it calms down in high school and also they start peer handling things more. Eventually the mean kids get iced out by peers.

[Anonymous]

Yes, middle school sucks for pretty much everyone involved. My 6th grader rides the bus with a kid who loves to tell her “no one cares” when she talks (among other things). And she has one class where the awful behavior of a few kids disrupts the whole class. Hopefully your son can find some good/kind friends as well (or who will be kind most of the time, at least). I would keep an eye on things to be sure it doesn’t rise to the level of bullying, though.

[Anonymous]

Your son is too sensitive. He needs to shake things off, and be able to joke around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle School is and always has been the absolute worst.

+1. My youngest had a very hard time. It’s not a ton better in 9th yet, but I see tiny glimmers of hope. Not sure why some kids have to be such a-holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been a public middle school teacher for 25 years. It is the only grade span he was insistent that we send our kids to private school.

What he regularly observes is that kids at that age will do things in a group that they would never do alone. So most kids wouldn't make an unprovoked snide remark to another student but put them in a group and someone can say something and another person in the group will make another snide comment then the rest of the group will laugh. Some of the behaviors that student engage in are so much worse when they are in a group and they do things they wouldn't dream of doing alone.

So unless you are a really secure kid or one who just doesn't care at all, you are slightly on edge when you speak in a group because someone might turn on you and the group will go along with it. So if someone else is being teased there can be a sense of relief it isn't you so you go along and laugh at someone else.

So what I noticed with my son (and of course it could be our experience is unique) was by 3rd grade at his large well regarded public school that students were cut down by other students if you couldn't do something well, if you tripped, if you missed scoring a goal, if you said something that wasn't perceived as being cool. There were at least 100 student per grade level. My son and best friend had other friends, were included, and always played sports with other kids at recess, so it wasn't something that we really noticed.

When my son started 4th grade at a private religious school (were aren't religious but it was what we could afford and it was close to our house) were there were around 30 kids in his grade. What I immediately noticed was that the students were much friendlier. The first day of class when the students lined up the boy in front of him did a double take and turned around. My son looked a little wary like he was going to say something mean, but the kid said - hi, you must be new and introduced himself and gave him a high five and turned back around in line.

That really was his experience until he finished 8th grade. There of course was some teasing but it was much gentler. He gradually became much more outgoing. It wasn't that he was shy before but he just got so much practice speaking to other students and staff members without any negativity. There were more opportunities to say something even if it came out a little goofy without fear of being laughed at, speak in class, present in front of the whole school, etc. So that became his expectation that if you speak to someone else, they will be friendly.

He is back at public high school with his best friend and his friend's parents comment how outgoing our son became because they have noticed he just has an easier time now speaking to other students as well as to adults in the community. When they were together in elementary school they really had the same temperament.

I didn't read your insanely long post, but I have two in private and I have to say. middle schoolers in private school are probably just as catty and mean to each other as in public school. There are just fewer kids in our school (100) as in the public school (1000). In some ways this might make bullying worse. We know one family that left our school in middle school because their daughter didn't fit in.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the boys are very mean. They say mean things and do mean things. They call people names, trip people, shove, hit in back of head, etc. I was shocked how misbehaved the boys were. There are a few kind ones, but you really have to search.

[Anonymous]

I check in with my kid on a regular basis because I heard MS is awful but he has not had any issues. I ask him if he sees his friends having any issues, there are a couple that would be easy targets for bullying, and he says he has not seen anything. Listening at Scout camp outs, I have heard a few kids discuss fights in the cafeteria, mainly girl fights, but no real comments about other bad behavior.

I am sure that there are kids at his school having a hard time but he has not nor have his friends. They are at a larger public school.