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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband has been a public middle school teacher for 25 years. It is the only grade span he was insistent that we send our kids to private school.

What he regularly observes is that kids at that age will do things in a group that they would never do alone. So most kids wouldn't make an unprovoked snide remark to another student but put them in a group and someone can say something and another person in the group will make another snide comment then the rest of the group will laugh. Some of the behaviors that student engage in are so much worse when they are in a group and they do things they wouldn't dream of doing alone.

So unless you are a really secure kid or one who just doesn't care at all, you are slightly on edge when you speak in a group because someone might turn on you and the group will go along with it. So if someone else is being teased there can be a sense of relief it isn't you so you go along and laugh at someone else.

So what I noticed with my son (and of course it could be our experience is unique) was by 3rd grade at his large well regarded public school that students were cut down by other students if you couldn't do something well, if you tripped, if you missed scoring a goal, if you said something that wasn't perceived as being cool. There were at least 100 student per grade level. My son and best friend had other friends, were included, and always played sports with other kids at recess, so it wasn't something that we really noticed.

When my son started 4th grade at a private religious school (were aren't religious but it was what we could afford and it was close to our house) were there were around 30 kids in his grade. What I immediately noticed was that the students were much friendlier. The first day of class when the students lined up the boy in front of him did a double take and turned around. My son looked a little wary like he was going to say something mean, but the kid said - hi, you must be new and introduced himself and gave him a high five and turned back around in line.

That really was his experience until he finished 8th grade. There of course was some teasing but it was much gentler. He gradually became much more outgoing. It wasn't that he was shy before but he just got so much practice speaking to other students and staff members without any negativity. There were more opportunities to say something even if it came out a little goofy without fear of being laughed at, speak in class, present in front of the whole school, etc. So that became his expectation that if you speak to someone else, they will be friendly.

He is back at public high school with his best friend and his friend's parents comment how outgoing our son became  because they have noticed he just has an easier time now speaking to other students as well as to adults in the community. When they were together in elementary school they really had the same temperament. 
[/quote]

I didn't read your insanely long post, but I have two in private and I have to say. middle schoolers in private school are probably just as catty and mean to each other as in public school. There are just fewer kids in our school (100) as in the public school (1000). In some ways this might make bullying worse. We know one family that left our school in middle school because their daughter didn't fit in.[/quote]

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