Highly disagreeable teen and emotional damage

[Anonymous]

Teen’s negativity, anxiety and continual emotional “dumping” on DW is taking its toll. It impacts me too but absolutely destroys DW. Teen is now in college, this dynamic began at some point in MS, around time of puberty. Has improved somewhat with therapy and medication, but even with the space of living apart, it still feels like we are living our lives in fear of the next crisis (or perceived crisis). Anyone else going through this and have any wisdom? Is this the dynamic we will live with for the rest of our lives?

[Anonymous]

No, you’ll learn to encourage them to solve their own problems instead of taking them on as your own.

[Anonymous]

You and your wife need for better tools to manage your own emotions. It’s not your daughter’s fault for sharing problems with you. Now that she is an adult, you need to drop the burden of her problems.

[Anonymous]

Your wife needs to develop emotional coping strategies. I also wonder if she has untreated anxiety herself -- my mom did and her entire life changed for the better on anxiety medication (Effexor for her). I could even tell when she forgot to take it for a day. She went on to have a glorious and fulfilling life.

Teens are going to teen and things do get better when they get a little older. But you have to be the adults here and let it roll off. You absolutely cannot blame the teen, that will make everything worse. The last thing your kid needs is to hear that they are the cause of your problems.

[Anonymous]

I can't tell from your post how much of your and DW's feelings are because an imminent crisis is realistically imminent because your child's anxiety isn't yet effectively managed or if it's a hangover from previously difficult years and waiting for the other shoe to drop. If the former, you/teen need to be honest with the treating psychiatrist and make med adjustments (a atypical antipsychotic did wonders for my irritable, unhappy teen). If the latter, therapy for you/DW.

[Anonymous]

Is DW in therapy? I would suggest it for learning how to deal with DD’s issues.

[Anonymous]

CBT for all of you. Your wife’s thoughts cause her own “emotional damage.” Thats an opinion.

[Anonymous]

Why kind of crisis? For example, doesn’t get along with her roommate, hates her classes or broken up with her boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Therapy for you and DW centered around setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks for the responses. We both have tendencies toward anxiety so obviously that's something we are working on in our own lives.

DD had pretty significant issues in MS and early HS, but the medication and therapy and maturity/time has helped. That said, we are still dealing with the scarring (for lack of a better word) from that time period and, despite the vast improvement, she still tends to have outsized reactions to her setbacks. When those are relayed via text, it feels like we are back to the very dark place of just a few years ago. We've tried asking her to say "can we talk tonight" instead of sending a barrage of scary texts, but she seems to "need" to release that negativity via text. Just wanted to know if anyone has dealt successfully with this type of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Just because she sends a text doesn’t mean you have to read it right away. Again, this is a You problem. You can choose to read her texts at night.

[Anonymous]

If encourage her to send an email instead of a bunch of texts. That way the email can be read (or not) when her mom wants. It sounds like your college aged DD hasn’t matured much.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs that your wife needs to learn to manage her anxiety around your DD's texts. I'll also suggest that it's likely your wife's responses to the reports of disaster from your DD are likely feeding the dynamic.

You mentioned "scary texts." Can you give an example?

You also mentioned "perceived crises," so I'll address those. These aren't crises, so there's nothing to get sucked into. Seriously. Keep saying this to yourself over and over. "This is not a crisis, so I'm not going to act as if it is." And the thing is, MOST things are not crises, no matter how upset DD is. She lost her keys, argued with her BF, got a C on a test, has an ugly pimple, spilled something on her keyboard--none of these things are crises. They can be managed without anyone losing their cool. They can certainly be managed without you or your wife losing their cool. And they should be managed that way, because there's a powerful message for her when you do so: I'm not losing my cool/overreacting/getting sucked in/sharing your anxiety over this because it's not a crisis. Don't say those words to here--SHOW her by your reaction.

It's also important that she solve these "crises" herself, or learn to live with them until they correct themselves (pimple, bad hair day, slept poorly, have a cold, etc etc). Don't step in to solve "crises" for her. She needs to learn that she can manage--that's an important part of tackling anxiety.

The correct reaction to these things is, "Sorry to hear that!" That's all. Where appropriate, maybe "Well, I'm sure it will work out" or something like that. And when the handwringing over something that is not a crisis goes on for longer than a few minutes, it's time to disengage. Change the subject or stop talking/texting. Engaging feeds the anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Are we talking suicide ideation/attempts, verbal/physical abuse, or just "talk drama"?

[Anonymous]

Unless your kid is threatening to kill themselves, or you feel they need to be involuntarily committed to a psych ward, I really don’t get what your hang up is.

Just empathize with them and move on. There is doing for you do to do. Detach. She can take herself to a doctor or therapist now. “I’m sorry to hear you are having a rough time.” That’s all.