Why do people proselytize their friends

[Anonymous]

Went for a walk with a mom from son's friend group. First 90 minutes went great. Last 5 minutes saying goodbye, she asks me if I've accepted Jesus as my lord and savior and starts blasting on about how much god loves me.

Why does anyone ever think this is a good idea. I'm taking the info that this is not a friendship that could go anywhere, but still, feels disheartening for things to seem fine and enjoyable and then get this.

Just programming? Superiority beliefs? Conditioning?

[Anonymous]

I'm jewish and can suss these people out pretty easily and avoid them. But I think they're TOLD to do this by their churches, and it's considered something that makes you look good in the eyes of the church to convert someone over to your belief system.

[Anonymous]

Ew. It's so arrogant and patronizing. That would be a hard pass for me. I think it's just a very self centered, immature world view. They literally have not considered that you are a fully formed adult who has developed your own beliefs, values and deeply held convictions.

[Anonymous]

I have never experienced this with a mom friend, but it's pretty easy to shut them down. Where do you live? That evangelical flavor has got to be pretty rare in DCUM land.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ew. It's so arrogant and patronizing. That would be a hard pass for me. I think it's just a very self centered, immature world view. They literally have not considered that you are a fully formed adult who has developed your own beliefs, values and deeply held convictions.

NP. I think many truly worry about spiritual harm to other person, so it comes from a place of concern. But just as you would not tell a recent acquaintance not to smoke or drive without a seat belt, it's presumptuous and off putting to inquire about the state of an acquaintance's soul. We're not that close.

[Anonymous]

I am a religious person. And this is NOT how I would ever approach this conversation.

But … some things to consider about your own heart before I get to hers …

If she was a Muslim woman and at the end of the conversation spent 5 minutes talking about Allah — or a Hindu woman and spent 5 minutes talking about Samsara — would you have been similarly offended, enough that you post here about it?

Or would you have brushed it off as some strange but ultimately harmless quirky belief that she has?

Next, there are all kinds of presumptions that people make — especially now — about how other people are supposed to vote or think and they make all kinds of comments based on these presumptions, regardless if people actually think this way. They don’t ask. I have an unusual mixture of beliefs and views — some perfectly in line with the status quo in this area and others not — but it never ceases to amaze me at how people just “assume” that you must think a certain way and people make many comments — more than 5 minutes at the end of a conversation — as the basis of the discussion. Many times I just smile and play along because I don’t want to get into it. But, yes, I find I rude and presumptuous. (Recently, I have stopped trying to do the smile and play along thing because I realize it is not being true to myself, and I care less and less what people think of me — but it’s still a hard habit to break).

Note: this is a red state and blue state problem. It’s a blue problem in the DMV. My parents however live in a very red state and it’s equally true there in the other direction (and my views would similarly not be in line with them either in many areas)

Now to get more to your question — religious people do in fact believe that their religion is factually true — otherwise, why believe in it?

I am a Christian. I believe that the Christian story is true as a factual matter. And if you do think it is true as a factual matter and it has changed your life — which it has for me too — then part of you does want to share it with other people. It is akin to finding the cure for cancer. If you felt like you found the cure for cancer, would you be expected to just keep silent about it?

THAT ALL BEING SAID — this is not how I would have approached it. I never ask people this directly because it can have the potential to offend and the opposite of the intended effect — regardless if the person has contradictions and inconsistencies within themselves like the ones I noted above.

Instead, I just try to become a genuine friend to someone. Do the things that friends do. Show care and kindness and empathy. Over a long period of time.

At some point, if you know me long enough, my church will come up in some way — either just as someone who goes to church on Wednesdays and Sundays as an aside and therefore isn’t available to do things on those days/nights, or I will talk about overseas missions trips because that’s what I did in the summer in lieu of a fancy European vacation like so many people in the upper class DMV.

And what I have found is that when I just talk about my own experiences in these ways in the context of a true friendship — and I am not doing the whole awkward, werid, Jesus loves you thing at the end of a walk with someone who doesn’t even really know me — people actually react with curiosity and respect about the role that religion plays in my life.

And then they become more willing to ask me questions — what exactly do you believe? Why? Where do you go to church? And that gives me a voluntary opening to sharing the Gospel. They can take it or leave it then and it is on their terms.

I also hope that as I try to reflect Christian principles in my own life — patience, kindness, love, forgiveness, a lack of fear, anger, worry, and materialism — a certain sense of inner peace and contentment — that other people see these things and are curious about why my life is different from theirs. But I also have found especially in the DMV that this doesn’t always happen because many people WANT to live in a constant cycle of outrage about the news and the world mixed with a strange blend of materialism and concern about what everyone else thinks of them — and when they find people that don’t embody those values at all — they are more confounded than curious. But that’s a subject for another day.

Bottom line: there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it and the way she did it was the wrong way.

But I also think you should consider why it offended you so much and if it was completely fair, for the reasons I stated above.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it about potentially saving the soul of someone you care about? The friend probably had the same reaction to the conversation (that the friendship is not going sny deeper).
Religion and values systems are also things other parents can care a lot about in terms of their children's friends. They may not want their child at certain homes for extended periods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a religious person. And this is NOT how I would ever approach this conversation.

But … some things to consider about your own heart before I get to hers …

If she was a Muslim woman and at the end of the conversation spent 5 minutes talking about Allah — or a Hindu woman and spent 5 minutes talking about Samsara — would you have been similarly offended, enough that you post here about it?

Or would you have brushed it off as some strange but ultimately harmless quirky belief that she has?

Next, there are all kinds of presumptions that people make — especially now — about how other people are supposed to vote or think and they make all kinds of comments based on these presumptions, regardless if people actually think this way. They don’t ask. I have an unusual mixture of beliefs and views — some perfectly in line with the status quo in this area and others not — but it never ceases to amaze me at how people just “assume” that you must think a certain way and people make many comments — more than 5 minutes at the end of a conversation — as the basis of the discussion. Many times I just smile and play along because I don’t want to get into it. But, yes, I find I rude and presumptuous. (Recently, I have stopped trying to do the smile and play along thing because I realize it is not being true to myself, and I care less and less what people think of me — but it’s still a hard habit to break).

Note: this is a red state and blue state problem. It’s a blue problem in the DMV. My parents however live in a very red state and it’s equally true there in the other direction (and my views would similarly not be in line with them either in many areas)

Now to get more to your question — religious people do in fact believe that their religion is factually true — otherwise, why believe in it?

I am a Christian. I believe that the Christian story is true as a factual matter. And if you do think it is true as a factual matter and it has changed your life — which it has for me too — then part of you does want to share it with other people. It is akin to finding the cure for cancer. If you felt like you found the cure for cancer, would you be expected to just keep silent about it?

THAT ALL BEING SAID — this is not how I would have approached it. I never ask people this directly because it can have the potential to offend and the opposite of the intended effect — regardless if the person has contradictions and inconsistencies within themselves like the ones I noted above.

Instead, I just try to become a genuine friend to someone. Do the things that friends do. Show care and kindness and empathy. Over a long period of time.

At some point, if you know me long enough, my church will come up in some way — either just as someone who goes to church on Wednesdays and Sundays as an aside and therefore isn’t available to do things on those days/nights, or I will talk about overseas missions trips because that’s what I did in the summer in lieu of a fancy European vacation like so many people in the upper class DMV.

And what I have found is that when I just talk about my own experiences in these ways in the context of a true friendship — and I am not doing the whole awkward, werid, Jesus loves you thing at the end of a walk with someone who doesn’t even really know me — people actually react with curiosity and respect about the role that religion plays in my life.

And then they become more willing to ask me questions — what exactly do you believe? Why? Where do you go to church? And that gives me a voluntary opening to sharing the Gospel. They can take it or leave it then and it is on their terms.

I also hope that as I try to reflect Christian principles in my own life — patience, kindness, love, forgiveness, a lack of fear, anger, worry, and materialism — a certain sense of inner peace and contentment — that other people see these things and are curious about why my life is different from theirs. But I also have found especially in the DMV that this doesn’t always happen because many people WANT to live in a constant cycle of outrage about the news and the world mixed with a strange blend of materialism and concern about what everyone else thinks of them — and when they find people that don’t embody those values at all — they are more confounded than curious. But that’s a subject for another day.

Bottom line: there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it and the way she did it was the wrong way.

But I also think you should consider why it offended you so much and if it was completely fair, for the reasons I stated above.

You are crazy

[Anonymous]

Anybody tries this with me...we won't be friends anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm jewish and can suss these people out pretty easily and avoid them. But I think they're TOLD to do this by their churches, and it's considered something that makes you look good in the eyes of the church to convert someone over to your belief system.

Yes, the Bible teaches to go out and make "fishers of men", ie, convert people.

I think these Christians need to tackle it differently. The Bible was written almost 2000 years ago. What worked then isn't going to work today.

[Anonymous]

I would say this,

Let me quote my favorite singer Billy Joel,

And they say there's a heaven for those who will wait
Some say it's better, but I say it ain't
I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
The sinners are much more fun

[Anonymous]

Their churches encourage this and they are also encouraged to spend time with fellow believers. She probably thought you'd make a good friend and she feels friendship with a non believer isn't an option.
I am practicing Catholic and a friend who joined one of these churches really pulled away from me when she realized I'd never be "saved". It bothers me a lot because we were extremely close friends.

[Anonymous]

I was sitting on a park bench with my toddler one day when a really nice grandmother sat next to me, made small talk and then offered to pray with me. The reason I let her is that she was not aggressive in the least and it all felt very benevolent. I am not about to convert to her religion at all, but it was a genuine moment which I appreciated.

But what you recount, OP, feels like a betrayal of a budding friendship. Clearly the person doing this has way fewer social graces and psychological know-how than the nurturing grandmother I encountered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their churches encourage this and they are also encouraged to spend time with fellow believers. She probably thought you'd make a good friend and she feels friendship with a non believer isn't an option.
I am practicing Catholic and a friend who joined one of these churches really pulled away from me when she realized I'd never be "saved". It bothers me a lot because we were extremely close friends.

I think these people really don't understand what it means to be a Christian.

The Old Testament says to not be unequally yolked ie, don't hang out or marry non believers. But, Jesus befriended the unbelievers, the sinners. Different ball game.

Unfortunately, too many churches are about being insular, and controlling people's lives.

[Anonymous]

"Have you heard the Good News about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"


"I have-- oh no, you haven't heard the bad news."