Low-stakes neighbor issue

[Anonymous]

Come along with me on a tale of low-stakes neighborhood woes. (Or don't-- if your inclination is to spit vitriol at others to make yourself feel better, please do not read further. Your tired contribution is assumed.)

A nearby house is owned by a family; we were close, but they moved a few hours away during the pandemic, kept the house, and rent it out. I'm better friends with the mom than the dad, and our kids have stayed close (via text, online gaming, and occasional visits.)

The dad, let's call him Bob, has been dealing with a problem renter. I've been helping in very small ways (getting mail delivered to my house so the problem renter doesn't intercept it), and mostly just listening sympathetically. I know the renter to be a jerk, probably with mental health issues, so it's been easy to take Bob's side. Whenever Bob is in town to deal with landlord stuff, we invite him for a meal, catch up on our families, listen to his troubles. Ordinary neighborly stuff. He is here this week and he's invited for dinner tonight.

Last night I heard screaming, looked out the window and saw Bob being totally menacing to another neighbor-- one I know to be pleasant and kind. Top volume, finger in the face, etc. I couldn't make out what he was saying, but the vibes were aggressive and not at all neighborly. Bob doesn't even live here, so I'm not sure why he thinks it's ok to scream at people who do. I'm definitely questioning his poor-me vibe and victim narrative. Anyone who screams at a neighbor like that has to be part of his own problems, right??

So. Tell Bob's wife he's behaving badly? She would never behave like this, and I don't think she'd condone it. Cancel dinner tonight? Carry on like I didn't see it and let the relationship fade? I definitely am not going to stay friendly with someone who's so uncivilized as to scream at someone on the street for the whole neighborhood to hear.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it, but phase Bob out.

[Anonymous]

Time to do the slow fade before you get sucked in.

[Anonymous]

I'd consider checking with the pleasant and kind neighbor to make sure they're okay.

[Anonymous]

Umm....why don't you ask him about it?

How is this not the obvious answer?

He comes over for dinner and say "Hey Bob, yesterday I saw you having some sort of heated exchange with Larla. What was that about?

[Anonymous]

I’d keep the dinner invitation open for tonight. I wouldn’t broach the topic of the shouting at the neighbor, but if he talks about it, I’d listen- just to be aware if there is another side to the story. You never know.

[Anonymous]

"Everything okay with Sara? We could all hear you screaming."

Maybe Sara was giving him crap about the horrible tenants and his ego got bruised so he got too emotional.

[Anonymous]

This is easy. Carry on like nothing happened. Bob doesn't even live nearby. Both sides of the story may or may not come out. After that you can takes sides or not.
Every man has a breaking point. Nobody knows what Bob is going through.
You had no idea that even the nicest people can lose it? I'd be worried about Bob if he has never behaved like that before. Perhaps even the neighbor is when they go home and have time to think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is easy. Carry on like nothing happened. Bob doesn't even live nearby. Both sides of the story may or may not come out. After that you can takes sides or not.
Every man has a breaking point. Nobody knows what Bob is going through.
You had no idea that even the nicest people can lose it? I'd be worried about Bob if he has never behaved like that before. Perhaps even the neighbor is when they go home and have time to think about it.

Okay so just so you know, this is an important point. People who sometimes "lose it" often have this belief that it happens to everyone or anyone pushed the way that they were pushed would have yelled. But actually, it's not true. Lots of us would never angrily yell at someone except for like, in a moment of immediate physical peril. But a neighbor? Never. I would sue you before I yelled at you. Seriously. I mean I don't sue my neighbors either, I'm just saying that yelling would not happen even if there were a serious conflict.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t tell on him, but I would ask him if everything is OK with him in the neighborhood and that you saw him screaming. Not in a confrontational way just out of curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Why are they still receiving mail in your town and why are you allowing them to use your address? I sense tax fraud or residency fraud for the purposes of tuition or homestead tax credit or something similar. Don't be a party to that.

I would let Bob know that you could not avoid witnessing his altercation with your neighbor and ask what it was about. I would tell him that it seemed very out character for him and made you concerned/uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is easy. Carry on like nothing happened. Bob doesn't even live nearby. Both sides of the story may or may not come out. After that you can takes sides or not.
Every man has a breaking point. Nobody knows what Bob is going through.
You had no idea that even the nicest people can lose it? I'd be worried about Bob if he has never behaved like that before. Perhaps even the neighbor is when they go home and have time to think about it.

Okay so just so you know, this is an important point. People who sometimes "lose it" often have this belief that it happens to everyone or anyone pushed the way that they were pushed would have yelled. But actually, it's not true. Lots of us would never angrily yell at someone except for like, in a moment of immediate physical peril. But a neighbor? Never. I would sue you before I yelled at you. Seriously. I mean I don't sue my neighbors either, I'm just saying that yelling would not happen even if there were a serious conflict.

And OP didn’t even describe it as merely yelling. Bob was physically menacing the other neighbor.

OP, was the neighbor who Bob was menacing male or female? It’s wrong either way, but Bob really can’t control himself if he’s doing this to women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is easy. Carry on like nothing happened. Bob doesn't even live nearby. Both sides of the story may or may not come out. After that you can takes sides or not.
Every man has a breaking point. Nobody knows what Bob is going through.
You had no idea that even the nicest people can lose it? I'd be worried about Bob if he has never behaved like that before. Perhaps even the neighbor is when they go home and have time to think about it.

Okay so just so you know, this is an important point. People who sometimes "lose it" often have this belief that it happens to everyone or anyone pushed the way that they were pushed would have yelled. But actually, it's not true. Lots of us would never angrily yell at someone except for like, in a moment of immediate physical peril. But a neighbor? Never. I would sue you before I yelled at you. Seriously. I mean I don't sue my neighbors either, I'm just saying that yelling would not happen even if there were a serious conflict.

OP here, and I wholeheartedly agree with this. I do not keep people in my life who "lose it". This has not always been acceptable; it's only in the last generation that "everyone can lose it" became a pass for antisocial behavior. We see so much wildly inappropriate behavior on social media, and on our discussion boards (you know who you are), that we've forgotten that screaming at a neighbor used to get you shunned, and rightly so. There should be an expectation of civility, not an expectation that "everyone can lose it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Everything okay with Sara? We could all hear you screaming."

Maybe Sara was giving him crap about the horrible tenants and his ego got bruised so he got too emotional.

OP again. There is literally nothing the neighbor could have done short of physical violence or intentional destruction of property to justify public top-of-lungs screaming. Bruised ego? Too emotional? What sad, low expectations you have.