cotillion question

[Anonymous]

Just transitioned from public to private for middle school, where half the grade is doing Capital Cotillion, and there is general consternation about how new girls can't participate because they don't have enough boys.

This is not an issue for me as we wouldn't be doing it regardless, but it does make me pause and wonder: How does thing remain so popular and yet so totally frozen in amber? I have so many questions... If you are sending your young adolescents, do you worry about how alienating it may feel to LGBTQ adolescents who aren't "out" yet, and how do you handle that?

The website says "While we embrace tradition and the importance it plays in our society, we believe that keeping current with the needs of today’s youth is equally important. We prepare our students with social skills for the “elite experience” without promoting the elitist paradigm of the past."

The fact that they won't deviate from their 50-50 gender ratio just seems AWFULLY out of step. Can someone explain why someone can't do something more inclusive? There are plenty of ballroom dancing studios that manage to do better ....

(Also, a little more snarky now: How DOES "the elite experience" differs from "the elitist paradigm of the past"? Anyone able to explain?)

[Anonymous]

It’s because the kids are partnered boy-girl for dances. So it needs to be equal. I get what you’re saying, but it’s one of those “that’s just the way it is.”

[Anonymous]

I didn't send my boys because I view it as elitist (and dumb). I was asked by a number of moms (of both girls and boys) to sign my kids up with theirs and I refused to do so.

[Anonymous]

I sent DD last year and I thought it was worthwhile. We talked about the gender stuff with DD at home, because it is old fashioned, but I also think there's value in knowing the traditional behavior that many people practice and expect, and that includes some gendered etiquette.

As a small example, I'm a woman and will hold the door for people around me. But I work with several men who will move to get the door or let me exit first, and there's value in knowing how to gracefully accept that courtesy instead of being surprised or awkward about it. And someone being gay does not alter the social expectation around who gets the door.

[Anonymous]

They learn manners. That can't be bad. Isn't a LGBTQ issue

[Anonymous]

Cotillion is a part of traditional society. If a family finds it valuable and is invited, then go. If a family decides it is not valuable, then skip.

Make whichever choice makes sense for your family's situation, but either way one should expect any cotillion to be fairly traditional culturally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cotillion is a part of traditional society. If a family finds it valuable and is invited, then go. If a family decides it is not valuable, then skip.

Make whichever choice makes sense for your family's situation, but either way one should expect any cotillion to be fairly traditional culturally.

I sure wish someone would come up with something a little more 21st century, because GOODNESS kids need so.much.help with etiquette and social skills and it's such a shame that you would limit participation based on BALLROOM DANCING RATIOS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They learn manners. That can't be bad. Isn't a LGBTQ issue

My north star on manners has always been Emily Post's quote: "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

In my world, having sensitivity to the existence of LGBTQ teens falls under that umbrella.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They learn manners. That can't be bad. Isn't a LGBTQ issue

It is if the idea of girls dancing with other girls is so scary that they'd rather exclude girls who want to participate.

[Anonymous]

My parents forced me to do this when I was in MS. Girls had to wear white gloves and we weren't allowed to pick our own snacks -- we had to wait for boys too bring it to us. I would never send my kids there and I don't understand how it's still popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cotillion is a part of traditional society. If a family finds it valuable and is invited, then go. If a family decides it is not valuable, then skip.

Make whichever choice makes sense for your family's situation, but either way one should expect any cotillion to be fairly traditional culturally.

I sure wish someone would come up with something a little more 21st century, because GOODNESS kids need so.much.help with etiquette and social skills and it's such a shame that you would limit participation based on BALLROOM DANCING RATIOS.

What about an etiquette class?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, as a mom of a 6th grade boy who was practically begged to attend by a classmate, that's a hard "no". I can teach him how to be polite and kind and hold doors and use silverware. I don't need to send him to a place with outdated gender norms just so more girls can attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cotillion is a part of traditional society. If a family finds it valuable and is invited, then go. If a family decides it is not valuable, then skip.

Make whichever choice makes sense for your family's situation, but either way one should expect any cotillion to be fairly traditional culturally.

I sure wish someone would come up with something a little more 21st century, because GOODNESS kids need so.much.help with etiquette and social skills and it's such a shame that you would limit participation based on BALLROOM DANCING RATIOS.

What about an etiquette class?

If anyone has any suggestions of one that's more than just forks, I'd love it. We've bought various kid etiquette books (eg Brooke Romney's) and we make our kids read them and pass quizzes on the forks etc (for rewards - they think it's fun). But would welcome other IRL classes etc that aren't cotillion. (And if there aren't any I can't help feeling like someone could do well in the DC area starting a new business.)

[Anonymous]

My daughter has been doing it for three years. She loves it. It teaches dancing and manners. They never mention to the kids anything about LGBTQ. They teach everyone in the class how to tie a tie, how to write a thank you, rsvp, and how to talk to new people. It's very informative for the kids. For those in the closet, since they probaly would need to pick if they would rather be in the more leading role or the other role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They learn manners. That can't be bad. Isn't a LGBTQ issue

It is if the idea of girls dancing with other girls is so scary that they'd rather exclude girls who want to participate.

THIS.