BFF’s sibling is lighting fires in the house

[Anonymous]

Title says it all:
My kid has a close friend, said friend’s sibling has been caught lighting matches 5-6 times in their bedroom. Melted some stuff, torched stuff in a trash can. No major blazes…yet.
I have enacted a policy of no sleepovers with that family. The mom is shocked and deeply offended by this.
I am correct and she is insane. Right?
I’m wondering if I need to escalate to no house visits at all.
Also: mom tells child to come to her or DH and they will light candles together, if kid gets urge to light a fire. That’s how she’s dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I wouldn't allow sleepovers knowing that.

But I also remember being way too interested in fire as a kid, and I think it's likely that most kids with access to matches have struck them in the house at some point. So the real difference here is that you have confirmation there's a little firebug in residence, not that the sibling is a uniquely deranged individual bound for an asylum or anything.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. If I understand, you are not allowing your child to sleep over and spend time at that house. I'm in favor of that - sounds like a bad situation. But, I hope that you have your child's friend over to yours still since they are not the pyro.

I think your reaction is correct and hers is not quite dealing with the issue.

FWIW, a girl I went to high school with was doing this same stuff and ended up setting a major fire in her house. Not good at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I wouldn't allow sleepovers knowing that.

But I also remember being way too interested in fire as a kid, and I think it's likely that most kids with access to matches have struck them in the house at some point. So the real difference here is that you have confirmation there's a little firebug in residence, not that the sibling is a uniquely deranged individual bound for an asylum or anything.

Yeah, I remember that phase as well. Did some stupid stuff, but it was outside and with firecrackers and old GI Joes.

[Anonymous]

You don't say how old the kid is. But, here's my take as a friend of someone who died in a house fire that spread so fast that by the time the smoke alarms went off, my friend was trapped and could not get out. I would NEVER allow my child to go to that house. If the friendship ends, so be it. But your child's safety is so much more important than the friendship.

I don't think it's unusual to play with fire as a kid, but clearly the parents here cannot control it.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that this is a more extensive issue with permissive parenting with that family. I don’t see any need for you to tell them why but I would also be very careful about sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I wouldn't allow sleepovers knowing that.

But I also remember being way too interested in fire as a kid, and I think it's likely that most kids with access to matches have struck them in the house at some point. So the real difference here is that you have confirmation there's a little firebug in residence, not that the sibling is a uniquely deranged individual bound for an asylum or anything.

But if the parents are not disciplining the kid and still allowing matches in the house - that’s the issue. I’m just guessing but in a house where lighting fires in the bedroom is considered something non-serious, there is probably a lot of other chaos.

[Anonymous]

I definitely agree on no sleepovers. Invite the friend over to your place instead.

[Anonymous]

The way I banish a child is I say "For some reason when my child and your child come together, they both encourage each other to make bad decisions, or they are unable to deter each other from making bad decision. I'm not sure why the combination isn't working but I am going to stop their interactions until they can mature a little more."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way I banish a child is I say "For some reason when my child and your child come together, they both encourage each other to make bad decisions, or they are unable to deter each other from making bad decision. I'm not sure why the combination isn't working but I am going to stop their interactions until they can mature a little more."

Good language for when it’s a direct relationship. Unfortunately the issue here is a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely agree on no sleepovers. Invite the friend over to your place instead.

This is the best solution.

[Anonymous]

My husband, when he was 5 or so, nearly set fire to their home when he was left unsupervised. He was lighting matches and throwing them in the trash can.

The parents need to address this, and you are correct that there cannot be sleepovers at their house.

[Anonymous]

How many is the child? My brother had a fascination with matches and started a minor kitchen fire at age 10 while my parents had gone out. Luckily another adult in the house managed to control the situation and it didn’t happen again.

[Anonymous]

Control what you can. No more sleepover for your child.

[Anonymous]

No sleepovers or play dates. Everything at your house.