If you were in an abusive relationship/marriage, how do you forgive
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Anonymous
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others who knew it and looked away and didn’t help you to get out?
Other than accepting that ultimately I have to look out for #1, how do you get over the fact that family members and even friends tried to convince you to stay, for their own image and benefit and not for your own wellbeing? |
Anonymous
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First of all, I'm so sorry.
In order to work on forgiveness in my own (somewhat different, but related) situation, I'm doing the following: 1) Looking at the things I've been forgiven of or want to be forgiven of - even by myself. Knowing you aren't perfect helps you forgive others. 2) Understanding that forgiving isn't always forgetting/reconciling. I can still want what's best for other people (forgive them) without restoring my relationship with them to what it was. If someone has shown who they are and isn't ready to apologize and change, that means I will treat them more guardedly from now on. But it doesn't mean I will want them hurt or obsess over their bad behavior. I'll just...let them go. This is hard if they are in a position to repeatedly continue to hurt you, so boundaries are necessary if they won't change. 3) Trying to believe the best about people. This means understanding their own mitigating factors. If someone is super image conscious, then...you just can't expect better of them and that's really rough. I'm so sorry that you have gone through a lot, OP. And you should be proud of yourself for trying to forgive, for your own sake. |
Anonymous
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It took strength to get out of that relationship, OP and you should reflect on that. And as you say, you're looking out for yourself. Using that same mindset, your family's concern about image and appearances shouldn't matter to you. Not one bit.
Please consider moving into your next chapter with grace, not bitterness. |
Anonymous
| Read Judith Herman's 'Trauma and Recovery.' It's not uncommon to be more angry at bystanders than perpetrators. Be easy on yourself. The human mind is complicated. Decide who's worthy of you and on what terms. I'm sorry. Been through something similar with my parents. |
Anonymous
| Did you ask for help? The decision to be leave lies with the victim. |
Anonymous
| You can move on without forgiving them. |
Anonymous
This is really offensive and you clearly don't understand the question. |
Anonymous
| OP, It’s been years and I’m just starting to forgive my mom for not trying to protect me. Therapy helped. Setting boundaries with her and my dad has helped. Taking care of myself has helped. Not letting her emotions and her guilt manipulate me has helped. Putting a bit of distance between us has helped a lot. Good luck, you are a survivor! Hugs. |
Anonymous
All of this is excellent advice but the bolded is particularly pertinent. You can forgive someone but that doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them going forward. |
Anonymous
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Why do you want to forgive them?
My opinion is usually unpopular, but I don't believe in forgiveness as a free for all. Some people dont deserve forgiveness. I dont think it poisons the person holding the grudge, I look at it as protecting myself from them. They didn't care then, they don't care now, they won't care in the future. Why do I want to have these people around me if they arent adding joy and happiness to my life, but actively taking it away? No thank you. |
Anonymous
| I think getting over that, and forgiving it are two different things. Work on the first in therapy and don't bother forgiving. |
Anonymous
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Agree with PPs who say forgiveness is not required.
There are people who are truly evil and soul-less. They enjoy inflicting pain and heartache on others because it feeds their psychopathy and their sick sense of controlling others. These are people who are NOT remorseful and never will be remorseful. They don't have the human capacity for it. These are not always people who were abused or damaged somehow themselves. Some of them are simply born that way. We know enough about psychology now to understand there are psychopaths among us - and the vast majority of them aren't killers but they are still highly destructive nonetheless. When you find a psychopath in your life, my recommendation is to cut them off as soon as possible for your own protection. |
Anonymous
| Forgiveness is not important. What's important is that you put yourself first and move on. Obsessing about forgiving someone who didn't give a crap gives them too much power. The advice about distancing yourself is spot on -- only distance allows us to emotionally separate. At the end of the day you have to understand that all of us are out there for self-interest. |
Anonymous
You think about whether you want to waste your energy thinking about these people vs. using your energy to live your best life. How do you want to spend your energy, OP? You only live once. |
Anonymous
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OP, own up to your own decisions
You aren't. Not completely yet They may not have known how bad it was You may have been difficult to deal with How about you accept this: people you choose to have in your life -- that's your choice. Embrace that it's your choice. It's in your power. You are entitled to a preference. I assume you aren't financially dependent on them in any way. You need to be able to completely support yourself - financially and emotionally. |