Expectations for 3rd grader

[Anonymous]

My kid is starting 3rd grade. Until now, I’ve woken her in the mornings, made her breakfast and lunch, and packed her bag. She gets herself dressed while I do those things. What should I start to transfer to her? I want her to become independent, but I also honestly enjoy the connection in the morning of making her lunch, helping with her bag, etc.

[Anonymous]

I still make my kids lunch and she’s in MS.
I’ve never packed her bag though, that’s something she does.
If she doesn’t get up on her own you could transfer that to her. Get her an alarm and she gets up and dressed

[Anonymous]

What you’re doing now seems perfectly normal. She’s still young and needs parenting.

[Anonymous]

When you say you wake her up and make breakfast and lunch, does she help with little things or contribute? Things I could see adding include:

-setting her own alarm (but you are there in case she doesn't get up!)

-breakfast she can set the table with fork and napkin, get her own drink, carry her dish to dishwasher. If you make a side of toast, she can butter/jam. If you make pancakes, she can get the syrup out. That kind of thing.

-You pack main lunch, she can choose a snack or dessert she adds to her own lunch and then she can finish putting lunch in her own backpack

[Anonymous]

I wake my kids up, make them breakfast, and pack their lunch. They are middle and high school. I like the connection and they do too. These aren’t hard things to do and doesn’t need to be explicitly taught. They have the rest of their lives to be on their own. I also make my husband lunch. These are acts of love and caring for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wake my kids up, make them breakfast, and pack their lunch. They are middle and high school. I like the connection and they do too. These aren’t hard things to do and doesn’t need to be explicitly taught. They have the rest of their lives to be on their own. I also make my husband lunch. These are acts of love and caring for your family.

Ditto. I enjoy cooking and want to cook for my family. In part to make sure they eat a healthy breakfast. They wouldn’t if left to their own devices! I also eat breakfast with my kids most days - or at least sit with them. It’s a good time to talk.

[Anonymous]

I think it's very important that you inform your 3rd grader that it's not their responsibility to reach out to you to schedule regular checkpoints where you can discuss expectations and areas for improvement. Would then introduce them to a dashboard where you both can see how they're tracking to key performance indicators in real time. At the end of School Year, you will discuss the previous years performance and whether they're approved for any increase in allowance or toys.

[Anonymous]

I still prepare breakfast and lunch for school days for my kids (oldest is a freshman). They do their own during the summer and on weekends (my youngest started doing this at about 6).

School mornings are rushed, and it's easier for me to make sure they are taking healthy food if I do it. I don't mind, but when they aren't as busy, they are in charge of feeding themselves (and have all also cooked full dinners for the family starting at about 8.)

[Anonymous]

I have never packed my kids' school bags. They started Kindergarten packing their own. OP- I would start there.

[Anonymous]

She should pack her own bag the night before and make lunch as much as possible the night before. Then sgg go e can finish packing lunch in the AM.

[Anonymous]

I started a job when my oldest was halfway through second. I simply couldn't maintain everything at home anymore so now my kids (fourth and first grade) have been making their lunches, doing their laundry and packing their backpack for a while now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wake my kids up, make them breakfast, and pack their lunch. They are middle and high school. I like the connection and they do too. These aren’t hard things to do and doesn’t need to be explicitly taught. They have the rest of their lives to be on their own. I also make my husband lunch. These are acts of love and caring for your family.

I like this response. Something I think about often when it comes to independence in my kids is whether they are ready to independently do something up to a standard that would be appropriate for a healthy, functional adult. If the answer is yes, I'm happy to hand it over to them. If the answer is maybe, then it's something I need to facilitate but maybe they can take more responsibility for. And if it's no, then I need to keep doing it for them because they need to keep seeing the example of how it needs to be done properly. Examples:

Making beds. Making a bed is not hard and also it doesn't need to be impeccable to be serviceable even for an adult. Once a kid can adequately make their bed, I ask them to start doing it themselves.

Haircare for a kid with long hair. This takes a while to learn but also kids want autonomy over their appearance. So this is one where I will provide the tools and let her do it herself, but also make myself available to help as needed because sometimes it will be needed. It's okay that she's not totally independent on it, but I do want her to feel like the task belongs to her and I'm just there to scaffold.

Making lunch. If I put my 3rd grader in charge of making her own lunch, she'd pack a bunch of goldfish and cookies and nothing else. If I want her to eat protein, fruits, and veggies, I have to prepare them (and put effort into making sure they are prepared in a way she will eat). I'd rather make her lunch for her for the foreseeable future, knowing she is eating a healthy, balanced meal every day, then push her to do it independently before she's ready and deal with the negative consequences (not just the poor nutrition, which of course we can make up at home, but being hangry and irritable at school all day because she didn't pack a filling, nutritious lunch).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's very important that you inform your 3rd grader that it's not their responsibility to reach out to you to schedule regular checkpoints where you can discuss expectations and areas for improvement. Would then introduce them to a dashboard where you both can see how they're tracking to key performance indicators in real time. At the end of School Year, you will discuss the previous years performance and whether they're approved for any increase in allowance or toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's very important that you inform your 3rd grader that it's not their responsibility to reach out to you to schedule regular checkpoints where you can discuss expectations and areas for improvement. Would then introduce them to a dashboard where you both can see how they're tracking to key performance indicators in real time. At the end of School Year, you will discuss the previous years performance and whether they're approved for any increase in allowance or toys.

Well played sir (or ma'am)!!

[Anonymous]

By 3rd grade the kid should be setting their own alarm, getting up/getting ready, packing their backpack, etc... Making breakfast and packing the lunch box should def be your responsibility - maybe involve the kid in what food they will be getting the next day. You should make sure your kid sets alarm properly and does what they need to do, but after a few weeks there is almost no need. My 2nd grader did all this this and my preschooler can get up, brush teeth and get dressed for the day (most of the time, no alarm yet either). So it really depends on your kid too.