How to better manage hosting big family for holiday visit?
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Anonymous
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It seems that the baton for hosting Thanksgiving has been passed to me and I need to figure out how to make the long weekend a bit less stressful. Last year, DH and I hosted 15 family members (19 including us + our kids) - his parents, his aunt and uncle, my parents, my sister, BIL and their 3 kids and my brother, SIL and their 2 kids.
While I really enjoyed having a big family thanksgiving dinner, the problem is that everyone lives a plane ride away so it was multiple days of hosting a massive group and entertaining them. Some stayed with us and others stayed in hotels. We tried to give everyone suggestions for things to do but they all just congregated at our house for 4.5 days and it was completely overwhelming to be responsible for figuring out meals and activities for everyone around the clock. Everyone was happy to contribute financially so that wasn’t an issue, but they all just wanted to hang out at our house and didn’t want to do separate activities yet couldn’t agree on group activities - so we literally did not leave the house expect for one dinner out. I was so frustrated on Thanksgiving day when I was trying to prepare a huge meal for everyone and our families had just taken over the house and messed up the kitchen making lunch for everyone, having snacks and not being helpful. Actually, my sister and SIL did try to help and broke a bowl and burned something which was annoying. I am happy to host the dinner again this year but how do I get people to not move into our house for the whole time and also not expect that our group of 19 people has to do everything together or we do nothing at all? It would be great if they just came for 1-2 days but they all fly in Wednesday and don’t leave until Sunday/Monday and it’s just too much. |
Anonymous
| You don’t, you just plan better for it. |
Anonymous
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^^ paper plates only the day of Thabksgiving, until the big meal, and you make a no one allowed in the kitchen unless invited by you. Have spouse make a plan - take the family out for a hike, do the Turkey Chase (even the 2 mile fun run will get everyone out for a bit), or go down to the monuments.
This gives you the house to make the magic happen (set the table, make the meal, straighten up). When they come back, if it's too early, have out nosh and turn the TV on to the parade or football game, but ban them from the kitchen |
Anonymous
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Stock up on food they can help themselves too, ie pastries for breakfast, sandwich fixings for lunch, etc.
Order delivery/pizza for dinner, get the men to grill- keep it simple. |
Anonymous
| I would enlist your most reasonable and helpful sibling and make them help solve some of this. It's too much! I could not handle this. |
Anonymous
| Where’s your spouse in all this? Get them to gather kids and take them to a park, order in lunch and tell people what you need. “Lindsay, I need you to get Jayden and Brayden out of the kitchen- please show them how to turn on grand theft auto.” “Paul, please set the dining room table with this stuff.” |
Anonymous
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We did this for years. Breakfast was on your own- we had bagels, cereal, yoghurts, etc. DH would make a big breakfast on one morning.
Lunch- we would pull out some bread, honey-baked ham and turkey and a premade salad, plus chips. We have crackers, cheese, chips, and fruit for snacks. Homemade pizza one night.Dinner reservation for one night out was negotiated in advance. We never had difficulty getting people to go out for an activity or event. Maybe we just told people what activities we were doing. |
Anonymous
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We have this situation too. We host my husband’s side of the family for Thanksgiving every other year — ends up being about 40-45 people and no we don’t have it catered.
It starts Wednesday with pizza and salad dinner. Very easy and with paper plates. they get a room block at a hotel and then that also serves as another home base. They are invited on Thursday for apps at 2 and dinner at 4. Before that everyone does their own thing. Friday morning folks seem to find something to do and then show up around lunch time for leftovers. Everyone then disperses and appears back for take out from a family fav Chinese restaurant. Folks head out on Saturday (so a day or so less than your crew). It’s exhausting but so fun and rewarding to get everyone together. I agree with people not needing to do everything together. We’ve had folks do things such as the movies, bowling, walk around DC, hiking, turkey trots, day trips, etc. I think you need to reset the expectations if this is going to be at all enjoyable for you. |
Anonymous
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I would never have allowed this in the first place. And there is no playing around in my kitchen on holidays when I need to cook a large meal. How on earth are you chill about this? You have nerves of steel, or you are in denial of your own suffering 
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Anonymous
+1. And one relative on your side and one on DH's side need to be told that the whole group can't hang around the house all week. Find a nicer way to communicate that, but communicate it. Outings need to be planned and executed by DH and the siblings need to figure it out. That said, I'd also build in some time for everyone to hang together for at least a couple afternoons/evenings. |
Anonymous
Some of us grew up this way. It seems quite normal. DH hates anyone in the kitchen when he cooks. I prefer to have multiple people- some acting as sous chefs and others just sitting/ chatting. |
Anonymous
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Take the decisions away, don’t make suggestions, make plans. Start brainstorming now with your closest family members. Movies, parks to hike, fields for a family football game, etc.
Plan easy meals now. Hit costco for bulk options (muffins/croissants), get paper products. Prep and Freeze some of the Thanksgiving meal in October Then delegate: Appoint 2 to be on trash duty Appoint 1 person to keep an eye on toilet paper in the bathrooms Make sure someone is in charge of caring for the pets (if you have them) so you don’t have to think about it. |
Anonymous
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If you are truly happy to host, you just need to create more structure to the madness. Recognize that part of the challenge is that the first day everyone is together is ALSO the day you are trying to get the holiday meal cooked and on the table - and get the word out that there will be hangout time on Friday and Saturday, but people need to stay out of your way on Thanksgiving morning.
The poster who laid out a rough schedule has it right (and you should do paper plates/utensils for everything but Thanksgiving dinner): Wednesday night: pizza and salad, paper plates Thursday: breakfast on own, no one is allowed at the house until 2pm (or time of your choosing). Enlist whoever is most capable to organize an activity for that morning. Friday: get someone to pick up/bring over breakfast, leftovers for lunch, Chinese or Thai for dinner. Ideally there is a movie outing or family football or game tournament or other activity to break up this day. Saturday: same as Friday The other thing I'd suggest is to put specific people in charge of specific items: paper plates and utensils, nonalcoholic drinks, beer/wine.(This only works if your relatives are reliable, but you know that better than we do.) |
Anonymous
| I have never hosted this many people, but people say just have stuff on hand. Do you just buy three dozen bagels on Wednesday a bunch of gallons of milk, 50 yogurts, 10lbs of chicken plus food for thanksgiving? Where do you store all of this food? |
Anonymous
6 units flying in...does each rent a car? How do they get to/from your house? Same hotel? This is 15 people spending their waking hours at your house for 4.5 days. If it was a beach vacation and meeting at a beach from several rentals you'd have the beach but this is just your house. Get a "beach" equivalent for each non Thanksgiving day - zoo, museums, Kennedy Center. |