Different rules for ND and NT kids

[Anonymous]

Hoping someone who’s been there has some advice for me.

Our son is 7 and has severe adhd (and I suspect mild ASD as well though his doctor disagrees). His hyperactivity and impulsivity are improved with a low dose of a stimulant, but because he can’t be medicated with a stimulant late afternoon/early evening, it makes social activities and things like going out to dinner difficult.

My husband wants to allow him to have an iPad during dinner the 1-2x a month we go out. I am super strict about iPad usage and the kids only get them on airplanes.

I think I could make an exception for my ND son sometimes in order for the rest of the family to have a pleasant dinner or be okay at a family event etc. but then my younger NT child will also want the iPad and they really don’t need it (they are fine playing with small toys at the table when we go out or socializing when we’re with friends etc.).

In general, how have you handled different standards for your ND and NT kids? And any thoughts on screen time for ND kids is appreciated too. I am sensitive to the impact of screens on kids and particularly ND ones - but things are at the point where we’re struggling as a family to do any normal things when he’s not medicated.

[Anonymous]

We only have one kid, so I cannot speak to the two kid dynamics, sorry OP. I will say that we did rely on the iPad and headphones at dinners out, just to otherwise "normalize" everyone else's dining experience, at earlier ages. It sometimes was an issue when dining out with parents who had a strict no screens at the meal for their kids. A bit stressful for sure, and you either make it work, or do parents only, or the friendship moves on without you and your kid. Babysitters, beyond the typical age, were part of the solution too.

I'll also offer that DS would take a small dose booster in the afternoons (administered by the school nurse) which would get him through aftercare, homework, and dinner if we were lucky. The extended release provided at breakfast just did not make it. We skipped this booster dose on weekends, unless we had organized afternoon plans (bday parties) or dinners out. I am not sure if you have tried a low dose booster, but if not it might be something to explore with the dr. With age came some maturity, thankfully, and DS kind of grew out of the booster dose, while staying at the same dose of extended release.

Best of luck in your decision and rollout. Keeping the peace for all AND getting out of the house is a tightrope balance for sure.

[Anonymous]

If you’re talking about brief periods of time a few nights a month, I think it makes sense to amend your super strict policies and let both kids use their iPads — if they want to. My concern would be that your younger child would see your older child being rewarded/privileged for reasons that you can’t really explain reasonably. You don’t have to make a big deal about it. “Kids, what do you want to being with you — a book? Small toy? iPad? “. You don’t want the iPads to become either overly attractive or appear to be rewards for difficult behavior.

[Anonymous]

My autistic/ADHD kid was fine with a book, so for the longest time, we would just bring books for both kids. Then the pandemic hit, we got them screens, and now they're young adults and teens and it's ALL screens. Sigh.

If the only way you can make it work for you is by offering screens to both, then that's what you have to do. No judgement from me.

[Anonymous]

I think it was easier for us because my ADHD kiddos the younger one, so my older kid was better able to understand why there were sometimes differences. Also she loves going out to eat, so she knew the only way it would happen was if we could control his behavior.

We didn’t really have to do screens for dinner, but definitely for car rides. Dinners we could get through with fidget toys and restaurants without a lot of waiting and where a little bit of noise wasn’t an issue. In another year or two things may well improve also. At 7 I rarely wanted to go out with him, at 11 I barely even remember how bad it was.

My kid gets more screen time than he should, and I do feel like his behavior is worse on days with a lot of screen time. He’s pretty good about entertaining himself if I say no screens-but they are always his default first choice. Luckily his choice of things to watch has improved a bit which has also helped. Less frenetic, bright videos and more calm, science and engineering or maker videos.

[Anonymous]

For us the iPad become a crutch - or, more kindly, a support we couldn’t fade. I really wish we hadn’t started it. Or used something else - books, word search, whatever he likes.

I would just wait for maturity to do its bit. You’re probably almost there.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids. I have no issues with different treatment for my ND child and no issues with different rules for the NT ones. You give each kid what they need. You don't hold back the ones who are more advanced or have greater skills. Everyone gets treated as an individual. No opinion on whether an ipad is the right call - only you know your child well enough to know if that makes sense. As an aside, we don't tend to go to nice restaurants too often - just causal, like Grills and pizza places. We always take games with us and we all play - mostly card games.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t do it, just keep bringing toys and stickers. Your discomfort now will pay off dividends in the end.

[Anonymous]

We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We use iPads more than we should at home, but electronics in a restaurant is a nonstarter for us. Eating in a restaurant socially with others is a life skill that my ADHD kid needs to learn as much as anyone else. We go out quite often, and have since my kids were little - mostly to neighborhood/casual places - if there arecrayons and a coloring sheet, great, but if not we chat and eat.

Op here. I agree with you but my son can’t tolerate sitting still and coloring for the duration of a dinner at even a kid friendly place. The other night, we went to a family friendly dinner (a very casual pizza restaurant) that only took 45 minutes and in that duration he was touching every salt/pepper/red pepper shaker on the table, spilling water into his toy cars, and then running around the restaurant after he ate (luckily it was very spacious and I was able to leave with him and take him outside to run around.) he has a way of playing with toys in atypical ways that creates enormous messes, disruptions etc. my other child who is NT will color, or play with toys in a deliberate way and can behave typically for a child. I don’t want to give either of them the iPad, but we’re in a tough spot because it is impossible for him to sit still while unmedicated without being disruptive - even with toys.

[Anonymous]

I think maybe you skip restaurants until he can handle it.

iPads while eating is a terrible habit to start and I have a kid with autism, so I get it. There are lots of things that we just don’t do as a family because he can’t handle it. Starting a bad habit to solve a problem is deliberately taking one step forward and two steps back while telling yourself you’re making progress.

[Anonymous]

For my dc, the Ipad helps them self regulate in places like restaurants. Restaurants can be noisy and busy. I'm ok with that-I want dc to do what they need to self regulate. At age 10, dc is starting to leave the Ipad behind sometimes, with maturity it's getting easier for them to be in loud busy places.

[Anonymous]

I would keep the rules the same for both kids for screens. Your ND kid probably needs more restrictions around screens anyway, to be honest. I get it, I know why you want to do this and I've done it too on occasion (though we try to resort to headphones and story podcasts rather than screens) but in my experience, ND kids become more reliant on screens as a coping mechanism, which makes them more addictive and harder to break the habit of.

Work on table skills at home with both kids but with extra support for your ND kid. My ND kid needs more scaffolding for these kinds of activities -- more discussion of what the "rules" are, helping to plan how they will approach, more understanding if they struggle.

Once you can get through a meal at home with both kids where they both sit at the table the whole time and there are not crises (say 45 minutes), start doing meals out at very low-stakes places. Fast casual restaurants that are family friendly and where you won't be waiting on a table, a waiter, or a check, in case you have to bail fast. Work your way up to more formal restaurants.

If you want meals out at nicer restaurants without dealing with this, book a sitter and just go with your spouse. You need and deserve the break. Yes it's a major expense and I know it's hard to find sitters for ND kids sometimes. But that's parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For my dc, the Ipad helps them self regulate in places like restaurants. Restaurants can be noisy and busy. I'm ok with that-I want dc to do what they need to self regulate. At age 10, dc is starting to leave the Ipad behind sometimes, with maturity it's getting easier for them to be in loud busy places.

The iPad is not helping him self regulate. The iPad is providing a small cocoon where he feels safe so that he doesn't have to self regulate. Perhaps your son is learning self regulation skills elsewhere and that is making it easier to do things without the iPad, but time on the iPad is not a form of self regulation. It is external coping device.

Adults also have this problem, FYI. Many of us also use screens to avoid situations where we'd actually have to manage our emotions. I think this is why so many of us fail to recognize what is happening with our kids when we put them on devices as a way to get through something.

[Anonymous]

without judging parents who use screens to cope at restaurants, I think you are totally reasonable not to rely on them. I think it would be impossible to let one kid use them and the other not.

OTOH your husband is also a parent with equal say.

What if you compromised and came up with a plan to handle behaviors without screens at restaurants and then see how it goes? This is actually a really good opportunity to up your discipline skills with your DS and think it through in advance.

If you are not already working with a behavioral therapist you really should be.