BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Help me out here.
My BIL (husband's brother) got engaged a couple of years ago. He and his fiancee live in Australia and this will be second wedding for each. When they got engaged we thought their wedding would follow soon after - they are in their 50s, own their own home, no kids, financially comfortable, so no need to "save up" for the big event. When we visited shortly after she was excitedly showing me the cathedral (yes, really) where she wanted to be married. We were very happy for them, especially as BIL has struggled to settle with anyone long-term.

Fast-forward two years and still no sign of a wedding.

I'm celebrating a big birthday this year, and DH and I booked a small but lavish party for our dearest friends (venue, band, catering etc). As one of my children suddenly got a posting order overseas over that date and wouldn't be able to make the party, we booked a really good restaurant for the following weekend when he's briefly home, just for me, husband, all our children and my brother (my only living close relation). All this was booked, invitations sent etc four months ago.

BIL called my husband at the weekend "Guess what, we're getting married!" In four weeks' time. Right in the midweek between both my birthday celebrations (not in the cathedral, btw). My husband explained that because of short notice, booked commitments, distance to travel etc, we would sadly not be able to attend.

His side of the family are now ganging up on him. His other brother is going - but he had already arranged to visit with his kids anyway, which is maybe what spurred the Australia brother to accelerate wedding plans. My father in law lives in a care home (not far from us, so we see him regularly) and not able to attend. But my BIL has obviously been in contact with him as FIL is expressing his disappointment in my husband that we're not going.

Time and again my husband has told them that we had already made plans over that period for my birthday but he's hearing "People are coming from all over the world for this - they dropped their plans to be with us."

For my part, I find it disrespectful that they are urging him to abandon the plans we made for my birthday in favour of an event that appeared at such short notice. Part of me feels it might be gracious to drop the family dinner the weekend after the party, but it's so rare that we're all able to be together, and that date is closest to my birthday anyway. My husband could just about get out to his brother's wedding and back again for the family meal - but he'll be shattered by the travel.

Whatever we do, or don't do, will upset someone. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Is there any chance to do the dinner another date? I see the party you can't move, but maybe the dinner you can. I have always regretted the close family wedding I couldn't attend.

[Anonymous]

Traveling to Australia on four weeks notice is. not. reasonable.

[Anonymous]

It feels a little extra to lock down a whole week to celebrate an adult's birthday

[Anonymous]

No, four weeks notice to fly to the other side of the world? Absolutely not. I don't care that "everyone else" dropped their plans. It doesn't work for your family, so you won't be attending.

If it was that important to BIL that his brother and family, he wouldn't be pulling this. He's expecting you to jump when he says jump. Don't.

[Anonymous]

I think the answer depends on whether your DH wants to go to the wedding. If he is fine missing it, then you should send your regrets and move on. They made a last minute decision that works from them, but doesn't work for your family.

If your DH wants to go, then I think he should go solo, after your dinner party.

[Anonymous]

Four weeks' notice on the other side of the world is pretty nuts. They should be shocked anyone can make it, not that some people can't. I honestly don't think the birthday parties should be the focus because the expectation is insane even without prior plans.

From their POV when you say "but we have a nice dinner booked the following weekend" it sounds like a crazy reason not to come to their wedding. But the real reason is the event is in a handful of weeks in Australia. Just say you're sorry you can't make it and then stop talking about it.

[Anonymous]

Drop the dinner.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t going because you have dinner reservations?

Obviously, you don’t need to go, and you can do what you like, and your BIL shouldn’t pressure you, but your reason seems to be a dinner reservation.

I can see why he is hurt.

[Anonymous]

You are focusing on the wrong thing, OP. Or rather, there are more issues here. Yes, I suppose you could cancel the party and he dinner and go to the wedding. If the wedding was in Baltimore, that would be the right discussion to have.

But it's in Australia. They expect you to fly to Australia on 4 weeks notice (apparently, because it worked with the schedule of another family member?). That's lunacy. The party/dinner is the icing on the cake.

Also, if it was so important to them to have you there, they should have (i) given more notice, and (ii) asked if you have any immovable conflicts on the proposed date.

I would have so little tolerance for this pressure I'd have to let someone else handle it, because I'd say something I'd regret.

[Anonymous]

I would let your husband make the decision. It sounds like not going would alienate him from his family and I wouldn't want to be responsible for that.

But I also wouldn't go to Australia. I'd have my husband go solo. Then I'd proceed with the fancy dinner without him. You get to celebrate with him at your big party anyway.

Even though I totally get your POV, it is always going to come across as you throwing yourself two expensive birthday parties for yourself...and then telling your husband he can't go to his brother's wedding.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

[Anonymous]

You send invitation to dinner for you, husband, all our children and my brother? Sorry, it is easy to rebook a restaurant dinner for that group. You will seem petty to die on that hill.

[Anonymous]

You show up, with a smile on your face. Or at least your husband shows up. How is this even a question?

[Anonymous]

A month's notice to fly to Australia is bananas.